One of Benjamin Franklin’s most famous essays, “In Conversation,” discussed how to make people like you, and his advice is still good today.
You can feel when you are in good company. Lovable people are lovable for a reason. They make us feel good because we feel seen and heard. They genuinely care about the conversation and offer kindness and support in return.
There are a lot of people vying to tell you how to make people like you, and each has their own way of becoming more likable. I recommend listening to someone a little older and more authoritative on this subject: Benjamin Franklin.
His advice has stood the test of time, and is still the best way to make yourself more likable, even in modern times.
Ben Franklin effect
Franklin wrote a large number of articles on a range of different topics. He wrote in his autobiography:
“The person who once did you a favor will be more willing to do you something else than you yourself have obligated.”
This statement inspired psychologists to examine what is now called the Ben Franklin effect, the counterintuitive phenomenon that inspires loyalty in others by making small requests.
Franklin wrote about using this phenomenon to improve a relationship between himself and a rival legislator in Pennsylvania, and asked to borrow a rare book. Apparently, it worked, and Franklin recorded a significant improvement in their relationship moving forward.
Although the Ben Franklin effect is incredibly interesting, it’s not the only advice Benjamin Franklin had to give about the talent of making people like you.
“The two great conditions in the art of pleasing are contentment and good manners.”
The art of making others like you: 10 communication mistakes
More than just a simple trick, Franklin also has two important factors that make a person more likable to others:
They are genuinely interested in what others have to say; And the,
They actively listen to people and ignore their mistakes.
Franklin narrowed down these two personality traits by noting common mistakes people make in conversation with others that make us dislike them:
Talk too much – Talk too much
Always talking about ourselves and our own affairs – talking too much about ourselves and not engaging meaningfully with others
Impatience with coughing or pausing – filling the silence or speaking only to be heard
Seems completely indifferent to the conversation – becomes distracted or distant during the conversation, or ignores others.
Insolent curiosity – asking a lot of questions, or prying into the intimate business of others
The spirit of controversy and disagreement – discussion and debate with the ideas and beliefs of others without reason or provocation
Storytelling – Telling long stories and drawing attention to yourself that is not relevant to the conversation, perhaps using them to compete with others in the group.
Sarcasm: Making fun of others, misjudging others, or jumping to conclusions without knowing the full story.
Scandal – Gossiping, either about yourself or others, in an attempt to be clever
Noise and nonsense chaos – interrupting others so that no one can get a word out of place
“In short, be his study to control his temper, learn human manners, and adapt accordingly.”
Although we live in a very different time than Benjamin Franklin, the basic rules of human interaction are not very similar. We all know that annoying person (or more!) who loves their own voice, thinks they know everything about everything, and isn’t afraid to let you know.
They are likely to be someone we avoid at all costs, but unfortunately, some of these little traits and behaviors may be unconscious or difficult to realize that you are doing them yourself. Fortunately, it is not difficult to break it once you are aware of it and start taking action against it.
How do you make people love you according to Benjamin Franklin?
Good manners can take time and practice. You have to keep them in mind and implement them consciously during social interactions. Fortunately, following Franklin’s advice, there are only two to remember, and here are some ways you can practice them.
- Practice active listening
Active listening is a way of listening that keeps you engaged with others as they speak. Instead of just listening to someone, active listening means that you focus entirely on what is being said and withhold judgment and advice.
There are many different ways to practice active listening, but the main idea is to maintain eye contact, not interrupt, and prevent yourself from getting distracted by paraphrasing others to make sure you heard correctly.
Active listening not only makes you an easier person to like, but it also improves your relationships with others because they feel heard and valued.
- Monitor your nonverbal communication
You may be saying all the right things, but if your body language is doing all the wrong things, you’re not going to make anyone love you. Pay attention to where you look. During a conversation, you should maintain comfortable eye contact with the other person.
Looking around or away from the room makes it very clear that you are bored and perhaps daydreaming. Stay open to the conversation, and try not to close it down with crossed arms or hunched shoulders, as this may make you feel difficult to talk to.
- Refrain from filling the silence
We’re all a little uncomfortable with silence. It can be embarrassing and we often feel the need to fill it. But, when we try to fill the silence, we risk speaking just for the sake of speaking, seeming full of ourselves, or annoying others. Not a way to make people like you!
Try to relax into the silences, breathe through them, and stay calm. Try to start speaking again only when you feel meaningful.
- Refrain from passing judgment, and never make fun of others
Not only should you listen to others, but you should never judge, interrupt, or make fun of others. We all have our flaws, and none of us like to have them pointed out. You don’t have to agree with everyone, and there will be those with whom you have to strongly disagree, but disagreement is no reason to be rude.
If you want to be a truly likable person, being considerate and respectful of others is one of the most important things you need to do.
The gist of Benjamin Franklin’s advice on how to make people like you is:
“Always be ready to hear what others have to say…and do not blame others or reveal their faults, but rather make excuses or hide them.”
It may seem like I’m paraphrasing all the things we learned as children; Manners, kindness, patience and caring are all it takes to have good friends. Well, the truth is, I am.
Taking the time to master these simple things can make a big difference when it comes to making friends. Getting someone to like you is not as difficult as it seems. It doesn’t take a miracle or a lot of fancy psychological tricks.
