Whether you’re embarking on a new relationship with someone who lives far away, you’re moving away from your partner, or your partner has started traveling a lot for work—distance brings its own set of challenges (and benefits!) to romantic relationships.
It’s natural for distance to feel a little daunting, but there are plenty of skills you and your partner can learn to give your relationship the best chance of surviving, and even thriving, despite the distance.
CommonChallenges in Long-Distance Relationships
Can distance increase the intensity of the heart? Sure, but maybe not without a little struggle.
According to licensed clinical social worker Alyssa Casimiro, LCSW, the physical distance in long-distance relationships can leave partners feeling a lack of intimacy—both physically and emotionally.
Without the built-in connection that comes from living with your partner, or seeing them a few times a week, long-distance relationships can also face communication barriers, Casimiro says.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Annaliese Lucero, MS, LMFT, says jealousy can also arise in long-term relationships (as in all relationships) due to a longing for shared experiences.
Finally, long-term relationships tend to be tested when either partner’s future goals change.
“The couples I work with in long-term relationships find that challenges arise when life goals change, when one partner wants to move forward with having children or getting married, or when responsibilities in their dynamic change,” Lucero says. “This also applies to temporary changes, like illness or celebrating big things.”
But what relationship is lacking in challenges? There are plenty of skills that each partner in a long-term relationship can learn that can keep their love alive.
Tips for Making Long-Term Relationships Work
- Know Why It’s Worth the Effort
Putting in the hard work needed to keep a long-term relationship happy and healthy becomes a lot easier when you understand its value.
“Being in a relationship is a choice,” Lucero says. “If you find yourself choosing that person, despite the obstacles that come up, it’s worth it.”
Casimiro advises paying attention to the strength of your emotional connection with your partner. If you’re both willing to work on your relationship, maintain communication, and share relationship goals, those are signs that the relationship is worth keeping, she says.
You can also try writing a gratitude list for the things you enjoy about your partner and your relationship. That can be helpful when times get tough.
- Communication is Everything
It’s always about communication.
Strong communication is, of course, essential in a long-term relationship, given the potential issues that arise when you can’t spend a lot of time with your partner. When people in long-term relationships talk openly about their emotional, physical, and communication needs on an ongoing basis, they can increase feelings of trust, security, and intimacy, according to Casimiro.
What does clear, honest communication look like? Being able to express your needs and feelings to your partner (and listen to their needs and feelings), for starters. Long-term relationships “particularly thrive on the intimacy that develops through talking, texting, sending snaps, and sharing memes,” Lucero says.
“All the ways that typical relationships connect, but I find that couples in long-term relationships often go deeper and share more vulnerability in these moments,” Lucero says. “If you feel a deep connection during shared moments when you’re apart, you may be able to overcome the challenges of long-term relationships.”
Keep in mind that the ideal amount of communication varies for every relationship.
“It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your communication needs and expectations. This may also change over time, depending on what’s going on in your lives,” says Casimiro. “Have open, ongoing conversations about communication and connecting and identify any potential barriers like work schedules, time zone differences, etc.”
- Set clear boundaries early on
Long-term relationships, in particular, benefit from a little planning.
Partners should be clear about the expectations and boundaries they have for the relationship early on, says Casimiro. These aren’t the kinds of conversations you have just once—they should continue throughout your relationship.
“Being clear about boundaries and expectations in a relationship is essential for long-distance couples,” says Lucero. “These boundaries will be unique to each couple, and there’s no right or wrong answer if the couple is making them together.”
- Schedule virtual dates
It can be hard to feel like you’re missing out on a lot of the excitement of dating, like hanging out, when you’re apart from your partner. But with a little creativity, you can find ways to adapt to your situation and still enjoy quality time on date nights (even if they look a little different now).
“The special moments you normally share in person can bring a lot of sadness if you’re routinely missing out on each other’s lives,” Lucero says.
Schedule regular virtual dates to create moments of bonding during your breakup. You can cook dinner together over FaceTime, play multiplayer video games together, or hit play on a movie at the same time.
Virtual date nights can help ease the feelings of resentment and frustration that can creep in along with the difficulties of aligning in-person schedules that require travel.
- Book a plane ticket
Virtual dates are great and all, but nothing beats seeing your partner in person.
It’s helpful to plan reciprocal visits so you can bridge the physical distance sometimes (especially if one of your love languages is physical touch).
There’s a lot of joy to be gleaned from feelings of anticipation. By scheduling trips to visit each other on a fairly regular basis, you can enjoy seeing your partner and anticipate the next time you’ll be together.
Again — there’s no “right” number of times to visit each other. It all depends on what works for your relationship.
- Don’t shy away from conflict
Most people don’t enjoy conflict — but that doesn’t mean it should be avoided.
Conflict can arise for many reasons in a long-term relationship: jealousy, lack of communication, overstepping boundaries, unmet needs or expectations, frustration with circumstances, etc.
Casimiro says it’s best to address conflict “directly” whenever it starts to escalate in a long-term relationship. Research shows that people in successful long-distance relationships tend to resolve conflicts more quickly rather than letting them fester and breed resentment.
“By maintaining trust and transparency, you can build security in the relationship,” Casimiro says.
- Know There Are Benefits
Long-distance relationships work great—and are even preferable—for some people.
For those with busy lifestyles, it can be easier to maintain long-distance relationships that allow you to spend more time on other parts of your life and less time seeing your partner constantly.
“When I first started my therapy practice, my husband was deployed to Saudi Arabia,” Lucero says. “I was grateful that I didn’t have to show up for our relationship because I was exhausted by the end of the day, and what energy I had went to our three kids. It worked for us, and it works for many other couples, too.”
- Discuss your shared goals for the future
How long will this distance last? Where do you see us as a couple in five years? What do you want to do with your life—and how can I fit in?
Research shows that one of the most common reasons long-term relationships end is that they fail to progress to the next level. It’s important to have conversations about the future in any type of relationship to make sure you’re on the same page.
Challenges in long-term relationships arise when life goals change, according to Lucero. But these challenges aren’t insurmountable if you’re open to communicating about the future and how your lives will adapt to changing goals.
“There can also be uncertainty about the future in long-term relationships,” says Casimiro. “It can be helpful to have ongoing conversations about the long-term goals of the relationship and how you’ll work together to achieve those goals.”
