Growing up with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — a disorder in which a person has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, likely derived from genetic and environmental factors, and is more common in men — can be a struggle for many children who They are raised by people with BPD to maintain healthy relationships as they age and break out of the unhealthy relationships that were designed for them.
“Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves, and feel emotional detachment or boundaries as rejection,” says Dr. Dana Dorfman, Ph.D., psychotherapist and co-host of the podcast “2 Moms on the Couch.”
Related: 12 Mind Games Narcissists Play At Your Expense
How do you know if you were raised by narcissistic parents:
As such, people may have been raised by narcissists if they struggle to separate themselves from their parents emotionally or struggle to gain empathy when they go through the basic struggles of growing up. Narcissistic parents are self-involved, can view their children as property, and struggle to see their children’s actions as more than an extension of themselves.
If their parents are extremely sensitive to criticism, either put their children on a pedestal, humiliate them with barely any interactions, or if children feel they have to compromise their sense of self to receive love from their parents, they are likely to He was raised by narcissists.
Because children only have their parents as models of what is considered normal adult behavior, impressionable children struggle to stand their ground against parents who appear too self-involved and may not even know that their childhood was anything but normal.
Children raised by narcissists can struggle to empathize with others, have a sense of entitlement, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a tendency to either idealize or devalue themselves or others, have no emotional boundaries, and insist on receiving admiration from others.
These behaviors often appear in small moments of manipulation, and children who grow up with parents who exhibit this behavior can believe it is normal because quite frankly, those are the only parents they know.
But it is not. As children of narcissists grow up and start their relationships and families, they may have difficulty finding a positive parenting role model and believe that the way they were raised was normal. This is not the case.
Here, Dr. Dorfman talks to us about the habits that children raised by narcissists must get rid of to become good parents.
Related: 12 Mind Games Narcissists Play At Your Expense
Children raised by narcissists may have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships with romantic partners, friends, and children as they grow into adulthood. “They are predisposed to be ‘pleasers,’ having mastered the art of adapting to the emotional needs of others, often to their detriment,” says Dr. Dorfman.
While this may make them an attentive and caring partner or parent, these behaviors often come at the expense of their sense of self and true emotional happiness. It can also create an emotionally volatile environment, as children of narcissists struggle to understand emotional boundaries between themselves and others, something they did not learn as children.
People raised by narcissists often have low self-worth and will bend over backward to improve their sense of self. Chronic feelings of emptiness and wasted feelings of self-worth are also common.
Those raised by narcissists often engage in “hiding” parts of themselves from their partner or spouse that they felt they had to hide from their parents as they grew older, and are likely to experience love as “conditional,” according to Dorfman.
In practical terms, this means that small mistakes can seem like the death knell for a relationship for someone raised by narcissists – on both sides of the line. These beliefs can derail a happy relationship if they are not addressed.
So, how do you healthily deal with these issues? Those raised by narcissists are healthier when taking the following steps.
Related: The Obvious Sign Of A Narcissistic Father You Probably Feel Too Guilty To Notice
#If you grew up with narcissistic parents, here are 7 ways to break the vicious cycle for your children:
1. Work through your childhood before having children
The most insidious part of being raised by parents with BPD is that the cycle of narcissistic abuse can repeat itself, even if the person raised by parents with BPD does not have BPD.
“If one does not study or examine their parenting, it is possible to replicate some of their parents’ parenting style—making love conditional, viewing children as extensions of themselves, having difficulties maintaining or creating boundaries, and relying on their children for communication,” he says. Dr. Dorfman: “It meets their emotional needs, and children’s difficulty empathizing with or validating their feelings.”
If an adult is raised by parents with BPD, going to therapy before having children is a must. Otherwise, they may pass on the traits they struggle with themselves, and the symptoms of narcissism will resonate for generations, affecting their children’s relationships with others and with themselves.
2. Do not stop treatment
Therapy, of course, is extremely helpful and highly recommended for people raised by parents with BPD, but treatment is limited beyond that.
Outside of the quiet room with the couch, parents need to take real steps, practice setting boundaries, and check in with themselves daily to make sure they’re not creating the same environment their parents created, intentionally or unintentionally, and for their children. Husband.
“Self-awareness and insight are key to creating change and preventing the cycle from repeating itself,” Dorfman says.
Related: 10 Subtle Signs The Person You Love Is A Narcissistic Sociopath
3. Remind yourself that your child is not an extension of yourself
Dorfman points out that parents need to remind themselves of the fact that their children are separate from them and appreciate that difference. Children will do disappointing things and that is not a reflection of their mother and father.
They will choose different paths than mom and dad, and this does not reflect their skills as parents. They may even make terrible mistakes, which is what they are bound to make.
In other words, parents need to remind themselves that their children are not extensions of themselves. Parents also need to practice empathizing with and validating their children’s feelings — without belittling or devaluing them or the entire situation related to them.
After all, according to Dorfman, narcissism often plays out in ignoring other people’s feelings if they differ from one’s own. This is an important cycle that needs to be broken.
4. Seek emotional fulfillment in other relationships
A common behavior of people with narcissistic personality disorder is to place almost all of their emotional reserve in their children. This leads to children feeling pressured to please their parents, hiding their failures, and not being emotionally honest with them about their wants and needs.
This is a lot for kids to handle — and parents who are trying to break the cycle of narcissistic abuse need to release their children from time to time.
“Parents should develop open communication and consistent check-in with a parent or spouse,” says Dorfman. “They can get their emotional needs met through relationships with adults — and not burden their children with them.”
Related: 17 Disturbing Reasons Why Narcissists Prey On Anxious People
5. Remind yourself that others’ rejection is no reason to be ashamed
People with narcissistic personality disorder or those raised by people with narcissistic personality disorder often experience rejection or emotional detachment from others. This makes parenting especially difficult, as children begin to separate themselves emotionally from their parents — and even reject their judgment and guidance — as they get older.
Parents raised by narcissists need to remind themselves that such rejection is not only developmentally inappropriate, but not appropriate for them, and therefore nothing to be ashamed of. Even when the rejection is about them (for example, in the case of a divorce or the breakdown of a friendship) they still need to remind themselves that they are enough and should not be ashamed of who they are, according to Dorfman.
6. Watch your child through the stages of development
One way parents can break the cycle of narcissistic abuse is to monitor their children’s behavior through developmentally appropriate stages.
As children begin to become more challenging in puberty, parents who struggle with boundaries and realize that their children’s actions are not a reflection of them can remind themselves that puberty makes children become little monsters.
These little reminders will make even the toughest stages of growing up easier for parents who can realize that it’s not about them—it’s biology.
Related: Narcissistic Parents Assign Roles To Their Children — Which Is Yours?
7. Apologize when you make a mistake
Dorfman says parents who want to break the bonds of abuse apologize when they overstep their bounds. One thing that parents with BPD often do not do is acknowledge when they have reacted disproportionately to their child’s actions or apologize when they have committed wrongdoing. They often blame others.
One of the most powerful ways to differentiate yourself from your childhood self is to apologize for the mistakes you made and admit your shortcomings to your children. That’s huge, according to Dorfman.
