It’s an unfortunate truth that many amazing women find themselves in relationships with men who seem like “the one,” and then turn out to be emotionally unavailable — or worse, emotionally abusive.
The repetitive pattern of dating toxic men is exhausting.
If you want to move forward and find true love in a healthy, lasting relationship, you must learn how to recognize the signs of emotionally unavailable men, as well as the manipulative and dangerous traits associated with personality disorders.
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Have you ever been with a man who closed down and became emotionally unavailable at the moment you needed him most?
Did he seem emotionally mature and responsive when you first met, and then start to freeze, shut down, pull away, and withdraw just as you seemed to be getting closer?
Maybe you were upset with him when he wasn’t there for you. Or perhaps it justified his withdrawal. He may have told you that it was your fault, that you were too needy, or that your feelings were overblown.
Eventually, you may have started to wonder if he’s the right man for you and if you should break up with him. If this pattern continues long enough, the relationship will likely end.
With time and healing, you found the courage to try again with a new man who seemed able to give you the love and support that the last man did not. You told yourself that he was everything the old man was not, and you opened your heart again and began to express your feelings.
Then you couldn’t believe it. It was happening again.
The new man began to freeze and withdraw – just like the last man. The voice in your head started screaming, “How could I let this happen to me again?!”
No shame or blame. It’s not your fault.
The problem you are experiencing is common. Try not to torture yourself or go into a shame spiral if this happens to you.
Instead, let me teach you how to identify the type of men who are most likely to do that to you.
They’re not necessarily evil. They may not realize their inability to be emotionally available.
So why do you keep falling for these emotionally unavailable men?
Dr. Harville Hendricks, author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and co-founder of Imago Relationship Therapy with his wife, Dr. Helen Lakeley Hunt, has an interesting theory that we tend to be attracted to people who remind us of our parents’ negative traits.
Sounds crazy, right? Why would anyone be drawn to that?
Hendricks suggests that’s because we’re drawn to what looks and feels like home.
When we are attracted to a new person who reminds us of the parental figure who did not give us what we needed, we are deeply attracted to him or her because it fulfills our childhood fantasy that we will finally have the love of the mother or father we love. never had.
The best way to ensure that you can spot the signs of a man who will be emotionally unavailable is to take things slowly.
You won’t be able to know if he will be emotionally available or emotionally abusive until you spend some time.
It takes about two years for the new love “dopamine high” phase of a relationship to wear off. Once this happens, the true character of the person you are dealing with will be revealed.
Waiting two years may seem like a long time, but you need to dig deeper to understand who a person is if you want to make sure they don’t end up acting in manipulative and dangerous ways.
It is also important to trust your feelings.
How do you feel when you are with him during everyday moments of life? Does he respond to you when you feel sad, not just when you feel happy?
It’s your job to take care of yourself and tell yourself when someone isn’t right for you, no matter how tempted you are to try to have a relationship with their work by “fixing” it.
To simplify things for you, here is a list of personality traits divided into categories that mental health professionals use to describe people with personality disorders that cause them to have difficulty connecting emotionally with others, as well as those common in men with avoidant attachment styles.
People with antisocial personality disorder, also known as sociopaths or psychopaths, are thought to make up about one to four percent of the population.
You should be afraid of this.
Of the three types of emotionally unavailable men described here, these are the most abusive and manipulative. They are dangerous and difficult to recognize because they often rely on superficial charm and humor to attract people and then manipulate their emotions.
Men with this problem often end up in prison.
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Men with antisocial personality disorder typically display the following traits, characteristics, and behaviors:
- Disrespect
They lack respect for legal, moral, or ethical rules of right and wrong. They lack guilt and remorse when they break the law or hurt others.
- Breach of trust
They lie frequently and use others for personal gain, seeing people as objects to take advantage of.
They have little or no concern about how their manipulation will cause mental, physical, or emotional harm to anyone other than themselves.
- Impulsiveness
They tend to be impulsive and refrain from planning for the future. They live in the moment and have difficulty delaying gratification. In addition, they often have addictive behaviors.
- Aggression
They tend to become irritable and aggressive to the point of fighting with or assaulting others.
They can become angry when they do not get what they want and will use intimidation or physical violence to control others.
- Recklessness
They do not care much about their safety or the safety of others. They are often thrill seekers and will take dangerous risks.
- Disclaimer
They will likely not fulfill their financial obligations, because they enjoy coming in and deceiving others to get what they want.
Traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are thought to make up about 6 percent of the population. This is the personality type that is easiest to relate to.
These men will give you the impression that they are very successful. They often appear larger than life. They will attract you and use praise to suck you up. Once they get you, they will be dismissive and even belittle you.
They have little ability to be emotionally available. They demand admiration and are easily angered.
Men with narcissistic personality disorder typically display the following traits, characteristics, and behaviors:
- Greatness
Being great and expecting to be recognized as superior to others.
- Unrealistic
Preoccupied with delusions of unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or perfect love.
- Self-obsessed
Believing that they are “special” and should associate with people of high status.
- The needy
Requires excessive admiration and a sense of entitlement.
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- Predatory
Exploiting others to achieve their own goals.
- Lack of interest
- Lack of empathy and unwillingness to recognize the feelings and needs of others.
- Envious/paranoid
-Envy of others and the belief that others envy them.
- Arrogant
Having arrogant behaviors or attitudes.
Traits associated with an avoidant attachment style
People with an avoidant attachment style make up about 25 percent of the population.
This is not considered a psychological diagnosis. Alternatively, the roots of this attachment style in adult love relationships can be traced back to the presence of emotionally unresponsive parents in childhood.
While these people can lead normal productive lives, they have difficulty communicating emotionally in their adult relationships.
They will overwhelm you when you have emotional needs. They will withdraw and remain silent. They will have a negative reaction to you if you are a clingy and insecure person.
You are likely to be drawn to this attachment style if you have an anxious and insecure attachment style.
These guys look strong and reliable. The problem is that when you get close to them, they will find it difficult to give you emotional comfort. This in turn will make you more insecure.
Men with an avoidant attachment style typically display the following traits, characteristics, and behaviors:
- Social discomfort
They are somewhat uncomfortable when close to others.
- Lack of trust
They want emotionally close relationships but have difficulty trusting or relying on others.
- Self-protection
They worry that they will get hurt if others become too close.
- Emotionally inhibited
They often feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
- Negative
They have negative opinions about themselves and the people they love.
- Self-hatred
They view themselves as unworthy of response from their partners.
- Suspicious
They do not trust their partners’ intentions.
- Far away
They seek less intimacy from partners and often repress and deny their feelings.
Understanding attachment styles and their impact on intimate relationships is one of the best ways to ensure healthy relationships.
Emotional availability is key to what is called secure attachment. It is the emotional connection that creates strong attachment bonds and helps relationships last a lifetime.
So know when to run…and how fast.
Consider running away from men with antisocial personality traits. And be careful about staying in a relationship with a man with narcissistic or avoidant personality traits, especially if you are insecure in relationships.
The bottom line is: don’t settle.
Everyone deserves to have a loving emotional connection. We all want a soft place to land. A relationship we cherish and listen to. Being able to identify people who are most vulnerable to emotional unavailability gives you a huge advantage in making good choices.
