Children who have a narcissistic parent often experience anxiety when it comes to communicating with that parent. Often, the narcissistic parent can only think about their feelings, and so without realizing it, they neglect to think about what the child might be feeling, or worse, the child is ashamed of their feelings.
For example, let’s say a young child is feeling tired and doesn’t want to talk, but when they express this, the narcissistic parent gets angry and tries to guilt-trip them: “Why don’t you want to talk to me? After all I do for you. Good kids always want to talk to their moms. I’ll think twice about your birthday present.” As opposed to a healthy response like, “You’re tired. You’ve had a long day. I get it. Me too. Can I help with anything? Get some rest, honey. I love you.”
When a child feels ashamed of their feelings, anxiety is triggered. The constant experience of guilt and shame toward oneself often leads to the child’s sense of self-being dismantled. If a child is made to feel anxious every time they have a feeling or opinion that doesn’t match what the narcissistic parent feels, the narcissistic parent may impose guilt and shame to manipulate the child into thinking the way they do. Essentially, a child is rarely allowed to have a feeling or opinion of their own that differs from the narcissistic parent without being emotionally punished.
It is important to get help for the child, otherwise they may be deprived of a peaceful and secure childhood. Prolonged feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety tend to sabotage a child’s mental health. However, how can a parent help a child without speaking negatively about the narcissistic parent? One way to help without blaming the other parent is to stick to the process, not the content. Keeping things general and maintaining the overarching goal of educating the child about healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics is crucial.
Take the example above. The parent may take a moment in the following days to remind the child that how they feel is important. Recognizing, understanding, and expressing emotions, especially negative ones, is indicative of healthy emotional regulation. When a child can identify when they are feeling angry, sad, disappointed, hurt, or frustrated, they will usually not act out inappropriately. Additionally, by identifying the difficult feeling state, they can seek help and support. This is critical to a child’s continued mental health and well-being. Tell your child that if someone in their life rejects or belittles them because of the way they feel, that person is treating them in an unhealthy way.
It is important to explain to the child that while another person may respect and honor their feelings, this does not mean that the child will automatically get what they want, but it does mean that feelings should be respected in close relationships. For example, the person might say, “You are angry. I understand. You have every right, but you cannot hit.” Or, “You are frustrated because we are going to the store. I understand. I promise we will eat afterward.” The feeling state is respected, but expectations are maintained.
Alternatively, confronting a narcissistic parent about the content of their interactions with the child may be counterproductive. For example, asking, “Why are you using Christmas presents as leverage over the child?” The narcissistic parent may deflect responsibility and place blame on the parent confronting them. The narcissist suffers from many severe cognitive distortions that alter reality for them to make it clearer to their ego. Playing the victim is common, so instead of examining their actions to assess their validity, they may assume the victim’s role and accuse the other parent of disconnecting from their parent.
By helping a child identify the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, they may be better able to understand what is happening to them with a narcissistic parent. When they realize that shame and guilt may be the result of manipulation, it may be easier for them to let go. Permitting children to politely stand up for themselves or to respectfully end an inappropriate interaction is essential.
Examples include:
My feelings matter. They matter too.
I don’t feel like this conversation is right. Can we take a break?
I’m not ready to do what you want me to do. Please don’t force me.
This doesn’t feel right. Please take me home.
Focusing on the process rather than the content gives a child the opportunity to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy interactions. Giving a child permission to apply this knowledge to their relationships is crucial. Permitting children to respectfully stand up for themselves when an unhealthy interaction occurs is crucial. An empowered child may be able to help themselves in situations where a parent is unable to do so. It is important to note that if a narcissistic parent becomes verbally or physically unsafe, immediate action should be taken. Insults and physical violence are unhealthy and unsafe practices in relationships.
