The most interesting thing about the gray rock is how completely lacking in interest it is. Think of all the gray stones you’ve passed without noticing. It turns out that no one cares about them except the occasional geologist. For someone trying to avoid running into a manipulator or someone trying to lose the attention of a narcissist, this is inspiring.

Narcissists can’t stand it when they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve. If their victims apply these few suggestions consistently, they may succeed in losing the predator’s care. After all, you can’t get blood from a stone, that’s what emotional vampires feed on.

Gray Rock Principle #1: Channel your inner cavity

Narcissists and manipulators look for emotional disturbances. The more drama you cause, the better. So, if you, like me, are deeply concerned with avoiding living in a poorly acted soap opera, you become stiff and ultimately uninterested in all your responses. No eye contact is best. Stare at your phone or out into the distance. Modify your voice so that it is monotone.

This is especially important if you have to interact with someone at work or in co-parenting regularly. Sometimes, the object of your unresponsiveness will try to overturn your Zen behavior. Don’t let them. Get angry or cry later, but don’t give predators access to your inner world. The Bible says that a soft answer drives away anger, which is the same trait that narcissists are likely to display. It has worked for me on several occasions. Once with a narcissistic principal who enjoyed bullying her faculty, and also with my ex-boyfriend who found my threats amusing until they failed to elicit a reaction.

Gray Rock Principle #2: Keep it short

Yes or no answers, whenever possible, are the general rule. Communicating with a narc is a bit like being in a courtroom. They’ll ask you loaded questions, feed you ridiculous accusations, and claim you made a commitment you didn’t. Your best bet is to avoid answering any questions you don’t want to answer. Never volunteer any information. Communicate via text or email when possible.

Avoid falling into their stories. If a toxic person starts launching into something they’re sure will blow your mind, unsubscribe. Apologize for a previous appointment, work you need to finish, or anything that feels real at the moment. Toxic people tend to look for interesting answers to their questions. But just in case inquiring minds want to know if work is okay, family is okay, things are normal, and you should move on.
Principle #3: Keep your eye on the prize

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The reason to channel your inner gray rock is no different than any of the camouflage techniques used in the animal kingdom. Here in Alaska, hares and ptarmigan turn white in the winter and brown in the summer. They are only spotted when they want to be spotted. I struggled with this at first. I need to be authentic at all times. I tend to be open and honest. So I had to look for a written precedent. I finally realized that many Bible passages talk about this.

Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak into the ears of a fool, for he despises the wisdom of your words.

I like the fact that the Bible tells us to avoid even talking to fools. While the Bible warns us against calling anyone a “raka” or a “fool,” this is a warning against contempt. We should avoid contempt for ourselves because it serves as a starting point for pride. However, Paul, in 2 Timothy 3, lists the characteristics of narcissists and ends with instructions not to deal with them. The goal is to avoid any unnecessary attacks, emotional or otherwise, from individuals who mean to harm us. You’re not pretending to be someone else. You are simply making yourself unavailable. Realistically, you should be as wise as a snake and as harmless as a dove when it comes to any of the Cluster B disorders.

Fourth Principle: Do not lose yourself in this role

I think one of the challenges of being an actor is that actors sometimes lose sight of who they are. Stay too long, and the lines become blurred. I think the real key is knowing who is safe and who is not. Some experts suggest dressing in boring clothes, while others warn against indulging in a gray rocker persona. I haven’t changed the way I dress, probably because he’s not particularly ostentatious anyway. But considering that your goal is to avoid attracting the attention of predators above your head, some khakis probably aren’t a bad idea.

GrayRock Principle #5: Don’t let them know it’s intentional

Nor does a rabbit shout to a hawk flying overhead, saying, “Hey! I’m hiding here!” The more accurate you are in responding to your Eye of Mordor, the better off you’ll be. The goal is not to enroll them. Instead, you make it difficult for them to outperform you. Developing at least some semblance of unwavering calm is how you win. This is not easy. This means that you must remain brave in the face of horrific gossip, ridiculous accusations, and scathing insults. If they belong to the Group B club, they will try all of these things.

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So don’t miss out on what your game plan is. Even the Lord does not let his enemies know what his plans are. Sometimes, even his children aren’t so sure. But as far as I can tell, no one wins against a true narcissist. They just escape with more or less damage. Try to make it less expensive by listening to your gut and to those who came before you. But if you’re on the run, your only place to hide may be in plain sight.

I wish I had learned this the first time I left my narcissistic ex. But in all honesty, I was stuck in an intense love bombing that only lasted a couple of months. But if you have to be in such a hellish relationship or are trying to leave it, your only real weapon is the gray swing. The rocks show very little of themselves and are completely self-sufficient. Yell at a rock all you want, and its reaction or lack thereof doesn’t change. And it’s durable. Jesus compares himself to a rock, so maybe we can learn from him.