Key Points
People with schizotypal personality disorder have difficulty trusting others because they believe people are unsafe.
The key to being friends with someone with schizotypal personality disorder is to take it slow, be patient, and avoid asking intrusive questions.
Most people with schizotypal personality disorder crave close relationships but are afraid of being entrapped and offended.
Their defenses include detachment, keeping their distance, becoming self-reliant, and substituting a rich fantasy life for real relationships.My clients with schizotypal personality disorder have experienced a combination of abuse, lack of harmony, neglect, and extreme interference in their early childhood. Many of them were also born with a sensitive temperament that made them more vulnerable than the average child to this type of abuse and maladjustment.
As a result of their childhood experiences, my clients with schizotypal personality disorder lack basic trust in the motives of others, feel insecure around most people, are extremely cautious about sharing their feelings and thoughts with others, and are extremely sensitive to controlling and intrusive behavior.
However, contrary to what many people believe, most people with schizotypal adaptations crave close relationships but are deeply afraid that the price will be too high. They were typically treated as an “object” to be used during childhood, not a real person. Negotiation was not possible, and the price of connection was allowing one to be controlled and used by the other person.
My clients with DID tell me that they coped with their difficult childhoods by learning to disconnect from their bodies when they felt stressed, keeping their distance from others, being fiercely independent, and replacing a rich fantasy life with close relationships. They still use these coping mechanisms today.
Those who have close relationships often maintain their sense of independence by finding ways to ease intimacy. For example, they may repeatedly move in and out of the same relationship. They leave when they feel trapped and then return when they feel less afraid and isolated. It is common for people with DID to choose people who are unavailable for a full-time relationship because they live too far away, are too busy with work, or are married.
Note: In this article, I use the terms schizophrenia, dissociative adaptation, and DID as shorthand ways to refer to someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of DID. Although the term schizotypal disorder sounds similar to typical schizotypal disorder and two psychotic disorders—schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder—it is a completely separate disorder and much less severe than the three disorders mentioned above.
So… how do you get someone with such a horrific background to open up to you?
The basic way is to build trust and create safety. Personal safety is the basic need of every person you have ever met who has schizotypal personality disorder. Yes, they want other things, like love, respect, and feeling understood, but their priority is to feel safe with the other person.
Everyone is different, but in general, if you want someone with schizotypal personality disorder to open up to you, I suggest the following:
Be patient
These people can be slow to warm up and trust new people. They believe that other people are untrustworthy, don’t care about their thoughts or feelings, and are likely to take advantage of them in some way.
Be slow
Don’t over-involve them more than they want to. Take it slow and try to follow their cues about how comfortable or uncomfortable they are feeling as you develop the relationship.
Sometimes, I see clients with schizotypal personality disorder who are overly trusting and form intense close relationships too quickly. In almost every case, the person with schizotypal personality disorder panics about the amount of intimacy and pulls back too quickly because they suddenly feel insecure.
Relationships that have generally lasted involve getting to know the other person gradually, and lots of testing to see if a new friend or potential lover is truly trustworthy and if enough personal distance has been built into the relationship.
Listen to Them
Some of my clients with DID say that I am the first person to listen to them, show genuine interest in their feelings and opinions, and try to understand what is worrying them. Taking the time to listen and showing interest in your schizophrenic friend’s thoughts and real reactions to life (without being too nosy) is likely to increase the person’s desire to connect with you.
Tell the Truth
Most of my schizophrenic clients respond well to the truth – even when it is embarrassing. They like to know what is going on and it reduces their fear that you have a hidden agenda.
Be Predictable
My clients with DID feel safer when there are predictable rules that everyone follows. They tend to relax when they know what to expect from the people around them. In their childhood experience, unpredictable adults were likely to be dangerous.
Don’t
Don’t tell them how they feel
My clients with schizophrenia often find it frightening that others assume they are telling them how they feel—even when the other person is right. They tell me that this feels intrusive and arrogant, and takes away their ability to choose how and when to reveal themselves.
Don’t tell them what to do
They spent their early lives being told off by others. Now that they are finally in control of their own lives, they want to make their own decisions. This also means that you should avoid giving them unsolicited advice.
Don’t assume you know what’s going on inside them
Most of my clients with schizophrenia are difficult to understand. Even after more than 40 years of therapy, I still can’t guess what many clients with DID are thinking and feeling. They can put on a normal, relaxed face. When they do reveal their true feelings to me, I am often surprised.
Don’t be bossy
Some people with BPD don’t realize they can say no to other people’s requests. They may be polite because they’re used to being pressured, or because they have trouble figuring out what they want. It’s best for your friendship that you don’t take on the controlling role when you’re frustrated by their indecisiveness or slow pace. Let them set the pace.
No means no
There are three reasons why you may be more sensitive to the weakest “no” you receive from someone with schizotypal personality disorder:
It is very difficult for many people with schizotypal personality disorder to learn that they have the right to say no to others.
If you convince them to say yes, it can cause them so much stress that they detach themselves from their feelings and the situation to cope.
If you do not accept their response and continue to pressure them, they will feel unsafe with you. If they do not feel personally safe, they will not open up to you. Instead, they may distance themselves physically and emotionally from you.
Summary
Most people who develop schizotypal personality disorder as adults have had very difficult childhoods. As a result, people with schizotypal personality disorder are often very private, self-sufficient, and reluctant to trust others. If you want someone with schizotypal personality disorder to open up to you, you need to focus on creating personal safety, respecting their need for independence, and not being overbearing or controlling.
