Have you ever been in a situation where you wondered how to get rid of a narcissist, but felt that no matter what you did, you couldn’t escape their toxic stronghold?
Have you experienced the endless Hoover where they won’t stop calling you, delivering flowers, checking your Facebook page, or even stopping at your place without warning?
Before you know it, they were calling your friends, family, or even your boss to “ask about you”?
Or maybe you’re in the midst of a custody battle and it looks like the three-ring circus will go on forever?
To make matters worse, keep reading about other people who have left their toxic partners and seem to be living in dreamland, while you feel completely powerless to do anything about your situation.
The early days of trying to maintain no contact can seem impossible. You seem to be facing an all-consuming life sentence and feel completely ill-equipped and unprepared to deal with it. You feel anxiety, guilt, and fear and feel like another encounter with the narcissist will push you over the edge in La La Land.
Are you wondering… is freedom in the cards for me or am I doomed to a life of emotional servitude?
And if freedom is possible, what can I do to obtain it?
Today, I answer these questions for you. Usually, what seems like an impossible situation involves seeing things from a different perspective and realizing that you have far more power than you give yourself credit for. Much of what the narcissist seems to have in complete control of your life involves making practical adjustments and cutting out various forms of self-sabotage that keep you entangled with the narcissist.
How to get rid of a narcissist in 6 steps
Technically there are hundreds of ways, but I’m going to give you the six most popular ones that I’ve seen work in the real world.
1 – Prevent the narcissist from contacting
This may seem obvious, but I’ve seen it thousands of times on recovery forums and comment sections of various blogs. People get frustrated because the narcissist texted them or left a voicemail, and wouldn’t leave them alone when they made it clear to the narcissist that they wanted to end things.
This approach leaves all power in the hands of the narcissist.
If a narcissist can contact you, you haven’t gone to No Contact. No contact involves more than simply not calling them or not responding to their texts and voicemails. This is a no-brainer and as long as the narcissist has a way of reaching out to you whenever he wants, it will be impossible to move forward. You cannot take a negative stance when it comes to getting rid of narcissists.
If you have not withheld the narcissist’s phone number, this is an indication, whether conscious or unconscious, that you are not yet serious about ending the relationship. Maybe you’re secretly holding out hope that they’ll finally change, or at least telling you how sorry they are. Sadly, neither of those outcomes will ever happen – even if they apologize, it’s all a smokescreen… You’ll also find out that you have to make the decision not to respond.
2 – Change your cell phone number if necessary
You may have blocked the narcissist, but now they have resorted to calling you from different, blocked, or unknown numbers. In this case, you will need to increase the upfront price.
It wouldn’t be convenient and might sound like the equivalent of going to a 15-panel job interview, but if the narcissist starts calling you from different numbers, you’ll need to change your cell phone number—even if you share children, and even if you use your number for work.
If you share custody of your children with your ex, not sharing your cell phone number with them is part of Extreme Modified Contact’s approach. Allow them access to your landline, instead. If you don’t have one, get one and then change your cell phone number.
If you use your number for work, it is not as difficult as you might think. I changed my number several times, even though I use my number for work.
This step is important because it can be easy to mistake narcissists’ attempts to contact you as meaning they miss you when in reality they just want your energy. This energy may be positive or negative, it does not matter. For narcissists, they are equally satisfying. They often enjoy negative energy more. This is what is meant by emotional vampirism.
You can stop leaking your energy to them – which drains you and makes them feel energized – by blocking them completely.
3 – Don’t subscribe if they stop at your place
If you want to make a point and show the narcissist that you’ve got your power back, the only way to do that is to not engage if they show up – especially if they stop by your place without warning.
The average person will realize that if they are being held back from contacting you, you are serious about moving on without them… and will accept it and move on too.
They are not narcissistic. Like a jungle cat chasing down a small antelope, it often doesn’t give in to simply blocking access to a cell phone. Don’t mistake them for having an epiphany and realizing the depth of the pain they’ve caused you—even if they’re holding flowers or begging.
If they try to engage you, they intend to cause more damage and trauma because they intuitively understand that this is how they can keep you hooked.
Avoid trying to explain and defend. It will only lead to a hamster wheel conversation that leads nowhere – except for an emotional breakdown on your part.
Mark any delivered packages or flowers as “rejected” or “return to sender”
Don’t mistake packages or flowers for regret or missing you. This is exactly what the narcissist is counting on. In other words, tears + acting and flowers = prop. Trust me on this.
Keep in mind that a restraining order may be necessary.
4 Letting go of the need to “do something”
You’ve probably been obsessed with writing a narcissist a letter, sharing your discovery of their disorder with them, calling their spouse or sideshow, telling them in public, suggesting couples therapy, telling them you’re seeing a therapist or coach because of them, agreeing to “just be friends” or any variations of trying to force an outcome.
We have learned as a society that we can achieve the impossible if we don’t give up. While this may be true in many cases when it comes to narcissistic abuse, following this advice will lead to your complete and utter downfall. No amount of counseling, religion, or supernatural efforts on your part will change the outcome. Not because you lack the skills or can’t influence positive change in your life, but because you’re dealing with a narcissist. When you finally stop trying to help, go after, or change another person—especially someone who doesn’t want to change—you’ll, ironically, feel so much more empowered.
5 – Find the Rock of Gibraltar
Many people don’t realize that the reason they feel insecure and needy after no contact is because they have an insecure attachment style, which manifests itself in an open emotional wound, as well as a crippling feeling of abandonment and rejection in the wake of narcissistic abuse.
People with insecure attachment styles focus obsessively on keeping their partners close, at the expense of their interests and even their values. This partly explains why victims of narcissistic abuse give in to demands such as having three ways or agreeing to work and pay all bills while narcissists frolic and play with their other sources of supply.
This happens because they are trying so hard to get attached to the narcissist, which only leads to more feelings of primal panic. The only way to counter this feeling is to find an emotionally attached number after you start no contact. This could be a friend, family member, therapist, coach, or boss — in other words, someone who could be the Rock of Gibraltar…at least during the first months of no contact. (Avoid well-meaning, but unhelpful people who tell you to get over it or insist on asking why you can’t leave.)
6- Rejecting the power of the narcissist
This sixth step is perhaps the most important of all. It is designed to reverse the effect of your perceived abandonment by questioning the narcissist’s credibility and importance. Neutralize the power you have bestowed upon them by looking too closely at his or her integrity. This involves moving from idealizing the narcissist to making a realistic assessment of their actual significance.
For example, why let a narcissist dictate whether or not you are desirable/attractive/worthy/important when you know he or she is a pathological liar?
Why take so seriously that last email or letter seemingly explaining all the reasons why they can’t be with you when, in reality, they know you’ll be blaming it on your shoulders and the message is simply their way of justifying their subsidy to you for the new supply (who would immediately co-operate with you, by the way)?
Why feel guilty and incompetent when they point out that you “never” were able to work 12-hour days a day, plus keep the house, make homemade meals, and keep up with all your relatives’ anniversaries and birthdays when all the narcissist did was plant their ass on the couch, eat pizza, and binge-watch Netflix (or porn) for weeks on end?
Why gulp down comments praising others about your attractiveness, accomplishments, creativity, and determination, but then internalize the narcissist’s self-serving (and wrong) criticism?
You might get it now… Yes, a narcissist is just a colossal loser in disguise that they have boldly tried to prevent you from seeing by undermining your self-esteem. What kind of human does that? Those who are cowards and snitch.
It sure hurts when someone you love seems to reject you. But you must remember that narcissists play on your fear of abandonment to keep you in their trap, while at the same time, they make you put them on a pedestal.
It’s time to kick them off their pedestal and see them for what they are.
