You thought that you and the person you were dating had a great connection. You made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, the conversation flowed naturally, and you both talked about the future. After a few weeks/months, however, the constant back-and-forth texts between the two of you Peter started. You’ll be left hanging for hours without a response. They suddenly seem to be busier and more available. You felt disconnected but you made it up to ” overthinking.”And then one day stopped the connection completely stopped. She shadows you.
Getting abandoned in a vacuum by someone you care about, being met with radio silence, and being left without explanation is one of the most awful feelings. All our trauma is recreated with trauma while we obsessively reframe the past that does not support the pain/reality of the present moment in any way.
“How did this happen?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“How will I ever be able to trust again?”
You want to close but can’t find it anywhere. You need to figure out how to get over someone who ghosted you, asap.
When Natasha asked me to write a guest post on ghosting I was very flattered to be given the opportunity, but I was also asking myself “Why do I know so much about this topic?”Unfortunately for me, I’ve experienced my fair share of ghosting in dating and none part of the experience has been fun. I was not able to believe that this was about them and not my lack of value. I have spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong to make someone who claimed to care about me, be able to ghost me.
“What’s wrong with me?”Here goes the reverse narcissism (I’m thinking that someone else’s actions/inaction are all about me and my perceived lack of value). I thought everything was going well and we were enjoying each other. I remember telling myself that there were no signs of a problem. He was perfect; we were perfect. Wrong! There were a lot of red flags.
Related : A woman with integrity will never tolerate these 10 things in a relationship
When I think and I am honest with myself, I can see that the relationship was silent and dark because he does not want a loving and mature relationship. He could not cope with this scenario. He can fake it but never live its reality. As Natasha says, “The worst relationships have the best moments.”There were some amazing moments but as I know now, amazing moments alone don’t make a connection. It’s like putting a pile of crumbs together and calling it a cookie.
A person can take your greatest gift from giving your physical self and emotional currency and then, fading away, cannot ever take an inventory of themselves. They will continue to jump from one relationship to another, believing that the grass is greener.
I will continue to do what is best for them. Such people fail to understand that their disappearing act opens the floodgates of great disappointment for the recipient as well as now having to heal one’s trust, ego, and most often heart. In my experience, all the cocktails, working out, shopping, and eating chocolate (my favorite medicine), could not help. It is a process and not one that a person sets out to experience. He is selfishly thrust upon them without a choice.
So, how can we pick ourselves up and move on? How can we not blame ourselves? I had to look for ways to cope as I am sure many of you have and are doing now. After many sleepless nights, I finally began to develop my thoughts in such a way that I could cope. I have listed some of them for you…
Stop looking for an explanation
So, what is the first step in learning how to get over someone who ghosted you?
Stop looking for an explanation or a specific “reason” for them doing this. After all, there are a million possibilities. Maybe they met someone else, maybe they realized they weren’t ready for a relationship, maybe they weren’t as emotionally invested in things as I was, or maybe they’re just a complete jerk.
The point is that trying to play a never-ending guessing game about” what mistake you made ” (most likely, nothing) or why they left a seemingly great situation will make you feel even more miserable than you do.
You’ll keep talking about the relationship, you’ll start doubting how great you are, and you’ll waste time and energy on someone who, at the end of the day, wasn’t worth your time.
Plus, the fact of the matter is that the problem almost always lies with the person who ghosted you, and not you. They may be conflict avoiders, have narcissistic personalities, or they may be emotionally afraid to approach someone. These are not the qualities that you want in a partner.
Remember, you are better off without them.
This does not mean that you cannot be upset, angry, or completely confused. It’s important to allow yourself to feel these feelings and admit to yourself that being ghosted hurts you – especially if you’re dealing with ghosting after a long relationship.
But your goal should be to take care of yourself and think about what you need or want to do to move on, not what might cause the other person to move away.
When they disappeared, they took with them all their selfishness, self-service, and excuses. I know it’s not very convenient, but you can’t control other people’s actions. This person is solely responsible for all damages. Ghosts may float away but their weight can still be very heavy. Do not carry their weight for them. Blaming yourself will not provide any relief. Even if you have some moments of bad behavior or there is a conflict of some kind, having a conversation about it will be a mature and compassionate way to deal with the situation. Shadows are not a solution. It shows that this person acted out of fear. The fear of being emotionally vulnerable.
When someone ghosts you, here’s what they’re Too Embarrassed to say…
“I am incapable of a relationship beyond the elementary school level. I can not communicate maturely and clearly. I’m afraid to see who I am. I avoid confrontation, feeling uncomfortable in any way, and experiencing a response from you that pins me for who I am. My avoidance has deterred me from being able to be brave and honest. I protect/defend my state of denial and avoidance as much as I do the fragile me. These are all more important to me than how my behavior makes you feel. I am emotional shorts sh * TR who would rather make you think that there is something wrong with you than find out the truth: that I am emotionally UN-potty trained adult.”- Natasha Adamu
Make a non-contact commitment
If you are committed to learning how to get over someone who ghosted you, then cutting off all contact with them is the best way to move on forever.
Related : 7 signs you’re dealing with a toxic person, according to psychology
This means no texting, no calls, no excuses about why you “need” to talk to them, (you don’t) and no “casually appearing” in places where you know they might be.
Get support when you need it
Learning how to get over someone you like, whether you’re shady or if it’s a standard breakup, definitely has a serious emotional impact on you.
Expect to feel rejected. How can you not? Try to remember that rejection is not about you. This person rejects everything that comes with being in a mature relationship. They didn’t stay long enough to find out the truth about you. You cannot refuse the real existence of a person if you do not take the time to invest in him. It is the idea of a relationship that they can walk away from or run away from in most cases.
My experience is that they reject a part of themselves. The emotional part. The part is built to feel the real emotion. I was a mirror and raised this part. Since they are unable to continue, they should do what is easier and more convenient for them: disappear.
Need more help on how to get over someone ghosting you?
Honor your feelings. It is very uncomfortable to feel the pain that cuts with an emotional knife. Discomfort is part of the damage that Stealth does. Most importantly, do not refuse that this is a blessing in disguise. It was even worse to be with someone who deals with his life decisions by avoidance. How can this person even begin to deal with the honor and responsibility of Loving You and being loved by you? How can she be trusted with anyone’s heart? You know the answer. They can’t, this has no value for you. You cannot build a house without financial resources and one cannot build an emotional connection when one has nothing to invest with.
As Natasha says, stay on your white horse. Maintain your self-esteem. Don’t lower your standards. Maintain no contact. As tempting as it may be, stay away from social media. Don’t look for this person. They sent a clear message that they did not want to be found. Don’t text, or reach out to mutual friends to plead your case.
If the ghost is close to such people, they already know that this situation will happen. Perhaps they have experienced this before. You do not need to interrogate them, ask for their consent, or ask for validation.
Be the class act that you are. In my experience, the more time that passes the more the door that slams this person in your face remains closed. They are trying to appear again. Some people have no shame. They have no problem disappearing for a year and emailing you on your birthday as if nothing had happened (yes, this happened to me). This is not flattering. They’re taking your temperature and looking to feed their egos. Don’t bite. Then they return to the shadows. It’s like they need oxygen so they came to you for that. The cost of your dignity and self-esteem is not worth it.
Natasha created this amazing place for us to work together and heal by communicating with each other. We don’t have to struggle here and there are no ghosts. Fortunately.
The process of learning how to overcome a person who has ghosted you is just a process.
Thank you, Natasha, for this opportunity to be a part of what you do for people every day. I’m so blessed to meet you. Be good, everything.
