How To Forgive Yourself For Falling Off Your White Horse

I know things were bad and now they are worse. You don’t know how to forgive yourself.

On top of feeling betrayed and abandoned by a toxic person you vowed to abandon, now you have to deal with disgust at betraying and abandoning yourself. And while there’s a certain energy that comes with feeling angry at someone else, turning yourself on can, in the words of one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems, feel like you’re falling, “bone by bone.”

But this will not happen, because you have already proved that you know how to forgive yourself.

How can I be sure of that? No matter how worthless you feel and no matter how humiliating the fall, if you are dealing with a combination of a toxic/emotionally unavailable/narcissistic person, I can guarantee you that you have provided this person with more understanding, empathy, and opportunities than he deserves.

The prerequisite for how to forgive yourself is to give yourself one part of the same sympathy that you would give to another person in your life.

You didn’t carry out any communication in the first place because you ended up being a helpless victim of the machinations of someone who insulted or ignored you. Despite your best efforts…

U t hit the fan, you got turned on, and suddenly you felt like you were no longer responsible for yourself. Falling off your white horse does not mean that you now have a new license to become an impotent victim of your tyranny.

This means that your body is begging to admit what you have already survived.

The first step in how to forgive yourself is to think of your triggers as physiological connections from your body, sent in an attempt to help you heal. They are a road map back to yourself.

Promising yourself that you will stay away from a toxic person makes all the logical sense in the world until you suddenly feel kidnapped, desperate, and desperate on a normal Tuesday after what seems to be the smallest provocation in smell, sound bite, memory, flashback, heel-toe, stomach, wrong email, anything. Every time I felt pulled to get back at someone toxic, I would feel like I was the biggest, most conflicted, failed, self-sabotaging fraud-so much of my determination could easily melt away.

Until I realized that I wasn’t listening. I began to try to dig out the meaning behind my erotic reactions, and with the same diligence, I tried to understand why and how others would hurt me. It sucks, but in my experience, these reactions just tend to get louder, more dramatic, and more painful the more you ignore them.

This is because you are more than your conscious thoughts. You are an emotional, mental, and physiological Museum. Your triggers are symptoms of basic beliefs that you developed to protect yourself during a time when you felt defenseless.

At some point, convince yourself that you are unloved, unworthy, and the disadvantage of your service.

These beliefs are fixed because you feel that you have to be to survive.

But things are different now. You promised yourself that you would cut off from your life any person who gives you conditional love and makes you feel unworthy or defective. That’s almost everything. Your fall is an indicator of how far you’ve come. Without falling, you will never know that part of giving up is letting go of previous adoptions and beliefs that no longer serve you.

You fell off your white horse because you weren’t quite on board. You just didn’t know that you had more of yourself to recruit. Now you know. Now you can get back to Real.
I’ll try to explain, and since I know you’re probably feeling a little sick anyway, this is a little story:

Maybe it’s bad to complain about a vacation, but years ago I went on a terrible cruise to Cancun.

There were a few good moments, and I stayed physically fine, but otherwise: the cabin flooded whenever I took a shower, all the food was cold & musty, I felt an intuitive sense of death, and a feeling of suffocation how f* * k did you get off the ship that is in the middle of an endless sea? All the time I wonder-isn’t this supposed to be fun?

No one told me that it could get worse when I finally managed to get out of the plane. I was not seasick at all while on the ship, but I developed a long case of mal-de-department Syndrome (probably a distant, seafaring cousin of post-Male Syndrome?) After that. My brain adapted to the waves while I was on the plane, but refused to give up adaptation when I returned to land.

There was no way in hell I was going to get back on the ship, but I couldn’t figure out how to stabilize once I got off.

I was expecting to go home to finally relax, but instead, I found that coming back made me dizzy and nauseous. The whole world was swaying and turning upside down, without rest. While it was happening, no amount of breaking down all of this logically would convince my body to believe that we were no longer on a boat.

This is, by the way, an extremely rare physical disorder from which I recovered relatively quickly. I was lucky enough to have a doctor Correctly Explain to me that I had not already lost my mind.

Breaking a promise to yourself is completely confusing if you are also losing your sanity along with your dignity. You thought that when you finally gathered the courage to get out of a toxic relationship, give up the dream, disconnect, and find a way to return home to yourself, to your strength, your agency — there would be some relief.

But we develop sea legs while going out to sea because we have, to live with ourselves in the situation. What they don’t tell you is that rocking your marine legs can be very difficult, traumatic, and uncomfortable once you get back on land. At first, you don’t feel more like yourself. You just feel sick and deprived. The house is worse than it was when I left it. The adjustments you put in during the toxic relationship have been wired to keep you afloat, and without access to them, your world is upside down.

When something triggered your basic belief that you were unworthy or unloved, to stay afloat, your immediate reaction was to communicate, even when communication did not always (or never) resolve your feelings. But here’s the missing area in the roadmap of how to forgive yourself:

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You cannot fulfill a promise to disconnect and stop communicating when you have not yet figured out how to get through instead.

Forgive yourself by empathizing with the fact that there is no connection is the beginning of a longer process that involves reconnecting your old adaptations to your new world. Give yourself a break because the experience can be painful and painful. The catch, and it’s a big one, is that you have to stay in no contact while you work through this.

This is what I wish I had known: it would feel like punishment before it felt like healing, Bliss, and freedom. An integral part of knowing how to forgive yourself is understanding that you cannot hate yourself for healing.

You faced falling off your white horse because you chose to move on. You did not know that your desperate attempt at communication was your mind, body, and heart calling you to pay attention to yourself. Forgive yourself for being conditioned to harness all this love and attention towards another person.

The way to forgive yourself for falling is to forgive yourself as you forgive everyone else you love in your life. By trying to understand, empathize, and encourage the other person to follow through on their promises through consistent action.
How to forgive yourself Promise #1: Create a favorable environment for intimacy with yourself

To get to the meaning behind your triggers instead of reacting to them, you have to develop a response: reach out, rather than communicate when you are turned on. It is impossible to do this when you are in the middle of heartbreak / or when you feel the frantic need to communicate like you need oxygen. Promise yourself that you will minimize these moments:

Promise yourself that when you cannot slow down your thoughts, you will begin to focus on your body. Your past adaptations, trauma, and past hurts live inside your body and exist physiologically as well as emotionally. The way to get to it is to work on finding a way to feel at home in your body. This will be different for everyone and can seem like breathing, yoga, walking, and anything that involves diverting your energy is a non-hectic method. The key is to implement this consistently, so you can create a new physiological baseline when you become aroused. Promise yourself that you will spend every day having a quiet moment with yourself: journaling, meditation, yoga, walking in nature, anything, but every day. Start small, just stop avoiding yourself completely. Promise yourself that you will remain conscious of both physiological and emotional triggers. You will treat them as connections of your body and mind, directing you towards what you need to heal. Promise yourself that you will reduce any emotional addiction to feeling that you are not good enough, unworthy, or a victim of circumstances. Instead of indulging in addiction or judging yourself for it, you will approach it consciously, with curiosity and empathy, tracing the addiction to its origin, where you can begin to untangle it. Promise yourself that you will Peace out of any fake friendship or encounter when / where you are feeling less than or that makes you feel as if you are re-traumatizing yourself. Let anyone else make you feel that you should be ashamed of the time it takes to get over heartbreak.

How to forgive yourself PROMISE #2: do not keep secrets from yoursel

As soon as you create an environment in which you feel more at home, promise not to keep any secrets about yourself. You have the support, in yourself, to work through any thought, emotion, or need – good, bad, or ugly. The more you show yourself that you can cope with this, the less you will feel the need to reach out to anyone else for the center of your universe.

The mind doubles when trying to convert a conditioned response. Your mind will create all sorts of explanations that seem quite reasonable why you need to communicate, rather than enter. Promise yourself that you will not lie to yourself when this happens. You will recognize this as a stimulus, and instead of reacting, you will deal with something that you feel. Part of not keeping secrets from yourself is remembering what you’ve already been through and knowing that the ingrained response patterns that once served you no longer do. Promise yourself that you will develop a more conscious awareness of when this will happen so that you can start processing your feelings in a more authentic way for the person you are today.

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Keep these promises constantly, as you expect from a person you love, want to forgive him, and want to be at peace with him.

I know you are sorry for what you said while you were lagging behind the heart. Having an underdeveloped heart is such a thing as being underdeveloped.

When you come home from abroad, you know very well that you are at home, but your mind makes you feel uncomfortable and keeps you awake because it adapts to returning. You fall off your white horse when your emotions need to catch up with your mental determination to disconnect. You freely forgive your body for taking the time to recalibrate.