Key Points
Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) include an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for admiration, among other things.
Many people with NPD may not realize that their behavior is hurtful or abusive.
The three subtypes of NPD are grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, and malignant narcissism.
Narcissists are often portrayed as evil people who intentionally focus on undermining and destroying their partner. But this simply isn’t true for many people with narcissism or narcissistic traits. Although their behavior can certainly fall into the category of emotional abuse, many people with NPD don’t realize that their behavior is abusive. Many people with NPD oscillate between being unintentional abusers and being intentional abusers.
Let’s start by looking at the typical behavior and emotional makeup of people with NPD. Symptoms of this disorder include poor self-identity, inability to value others, feelings of entitlement, lack of authenticity, need for control, intolerance of others’ views/opinions, emotional detachment, arrogance, lack of awareness or concern for the impact of their behavior, low emotional reciprocity, and a strong need for approval and positive attention from others. The following questionnaire, taken from my book, Escaping Emotional Abuse , may also be helpful in determining if someone is a narcissist.
Questionnaire: Does your partner suffer from narcissism?
Does your partner seem constantly absorbed in themselves—their interests and projects—and not much interested in what is happening with you?
Does your partner like to be the center of attention? Do you get bored or rude when someone else is talking?
Does your partner seem to feel entitled to special treatment from you and others?
Does she seem to lack empathy and compassion for others? Does she seem to have a particular difficulty feeling the pain of others even though she expects others to feel her pain?
Does your partner feel that their opinions and beliefs are always right and that others (including you) don’t really know what they’re talking about?
Do you think they’re smarter, more stylish, more attractive, or more talented than almost anyone else?
Does they seem to have an excessive need to be right, no matter what issue is being discussed?
Is your partner charismatic, charming, and/or manipulative when they want something only to ignore or brush it off after someone else has served their purpose?
Have you grown distrustful of your partner because you’ve caught them exaggerating and lying too often?
Does they often seem aloof, arrogant, or conceited?
Can they be downright insulting or condescending toward people, including you?
Do you frequently criticize, belittle, or ridicule them?
Does your partner get angry if they’re proven wrong or when someone dares to confront them about their inappropriate behavior?
Does your partner often complain that others don’t give them enough respect, appreciation, or recognition?
Does he or she constantly challenge authority or have difficulty dealing with authority figures or anyone in a position of control or power?
Does your partner rarely acknowledge or show appreciation for what you do for him or her?
Does he or she instead seem to find fault with almost everything you do?
Even when he or she is forced to acknowledge something you’ve done for him or a gift you’ve given him or her, does he or she somehow downplay its importance or imply that it didn’t really live up to his or her standards?
Does your partner place a great deal of emphasis on achieving wealth, recognition, popularity, or fame?
If you answered “yes” to more than half of the questions above, your partner may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or may have strong narcissistic personality traits.
Are All Narcissists Abusive?
This series began with the premise that not all abusers are narcissists. It is equally important to understand that not all narcissists are abusers. Current research has revealed at least three subtypes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: 1) Overt Grandiose Narcissist, 2) Covert Vulnerable Narcissist, and 3) Malignant Narcissist.
Overt Grandiose Narcissists are characterized by boldness, arrogance, and grandiose personality traits. People with this type of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are more likely to lack empathy, act aggressively, exploit others, and engage in exhibitionistic behaviors. They also need excessive praise and attention.
Covert Vulnerable Narcissists are hypersensitive and defensive. This type of narcissist tends to be very anxious and need a lot of supportive attention. They may crave and demand approval and admiration, but they often act in more subtle and passive-aggressive ways than the overt narcissist and may withdraw socially if they don’t get it. The covert narcissist may be humble or withdrawn in their interactions, but the ultimate goals are the same.
Both the grandiose and covert narcissists can certainly exhibit abusive behavior. Grandiose narcissists lack empathy and therefore have difficulty recognizing how their behavior can be hurtful. They can be demanding and have unreasonable expectations. Many will do anything to get what they want, including insulting people. Covert narcissists can also be demanding due to extreme insecurity. They can be unreasonably jealous and tend to focus only on their own needs. But it’s important to understand that neither of these types of narcissists aims to abuse or control.
The malignant narcissist is a completely different story. The malignant narcissist is the most severe and damaging type of narcissist, and tends to have a dark side to his self-absorption. While most narcissists do not consciously aim to mistreat others, the typical narcissist does just that. In addition to having the general traits of narcissistic personality disorder, they have antisocial traits and even a sadistic streak. There is often some paranoia as well. In fact, malignant narcissists display traits and symptoms of both narcissistic and antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial traits of malignant narcissists include: A pattern of violating the rights of others; Narcissism is a serious psychological disorder in which the narcissist behaves very badly, breaks rules and laws, deceives others, acts aggressively, acts recklessly and hurtfully, and uses or exploits others for personal gain or pleasure. While there may be hope for many narcissists, if your partner fits the description of a malignant narcissist, there is little hope that he or she will change.
When a Narcissist Becomes Abusive
When dealing with a narcissist or someone with strong narcissistic traits, it’s important to keep in mind that they’re not very conscious human beings, especially when it comes to their behavior. While much of their behavior can be considered emotionally abusive (e.g., their arrogance, their dismissive attitude, their need to be right), they’re not necessarily trying to make you feel bad about yourself (the malignant narcissist is the exception). In fact, the narcissist’s primary goal is to make themselves feel good, even at the expense of others. Their inattention, rudeness, and insensitive comments may seem like they’re intentionally trying to hurt you, when in reality, most of the time, they’re just plain uncaring about your feelings.
That’s why it’s important not to take anything a narcissist says or does personally. This is a very difficult task, of course. But if you can try to remember that in the narcissist’s world, they’re the center of the universe and everyone else is just a satellite orbiting around them, it can help. This doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings or are incapable of caring for others, but it does mean that their needs will always come first.
The only time most narcissists will intentionally try to hurt others (again, with the exception of the malignant narcissist) is when they themselves feel criticized or threatened in some way (for example, if you dare question their ability or knowledge, if you tell them they’re wrong about something, or if you challenge their authority). This is when you’ll feel their full wrath. Narcissists can cut you to your core in seconds with the right words that can hurt you even more.
