July 4, 2021 — On this day, 245 years ago, American revolutionaries took a bold stand against the tyranny of England, the most powerful nation on earth at the time. They declared:
All people have rights.
The British had abused their power, and violated the rights of Americans.
After unsuccessful attempts to resolve the matter with the British, Americans chose to sever their ties and declare themselves free.
The Declaration of Independence was an elegant and innovative document of human rights. In declaring their readiness to rule the world by truth, Americans asked for nothing, threatened nothing, and declared that they needed nothing.
If you have a destructive narcissist in your life, the ideas and goals of the Declaration of Independence can serve as a model for how to limit or end contact with someone who is unhealthy for you.
I encourage you to create your own Declaration of Independence. Whether it is an empowering exercise for your eyes only or written and sent to a narcissist, you have the right to take a bold step against the tyranny of narcissistic behaviors.
Here is a sample declaration, borrowed from the words of Thomas Jefferson and other authors of the American Declaration of 1776. Adapt this sample to your unique situation.
Sample Declaration of Independence from a Narcissist
I hold these truths to be self-evident:
Relationships between adults are based on mutual consent.
When a relationship becomes destructive, it is up to me to seek change or leave the relationship to achieve health, happiness, and security.
When it becomes necessary to set boundaries in the context of human events, including limiting or ending contact with those who have not treated me well, it is my absolute right to do so.
My relationship with [insert narcissist’s name here] involved multiple instances of narcissistic behavior that resulted in repeated injury and violations of my rights. These included:
Not treating me fairly and compassionately,
harassing me or trying to discourage me from self-care and personal growth,
mocking or humiliating me and recruiting others to do so,
using intimidation and manipulation,
threatening my emotional, financial, or physical safety,
seeking to isolate me from potential friends and allies,
making decisions that impact me without my knowledge or consent,
repeatedly hurting me without apology or compensation,
taking resources from me without my permission, and
treating me as an enemy or as though I were inferior.
Although I may have tolerated these behaviors, called attention to them, asked for change, and/or sought compromise and communication, none of this has made a difference. This is unfair and unhealthy.
Therefore, I declare myself free and independent of this narcissist who seeks to demean, control, or take advantage of me.
I declare that I am fully responsible for my decisions and actions. I also declare that I have the right to:
Choose the people I associate with,
Distance myself from efforts to violate, abuse, or take advantage of me,
Ask questions and express dissent,
Feel all my feelings and express them appropriately,
Live my values, express my thoughts, and pursue my goals,
Learn, grow, and connect with others,
Make mistakes, experiment, and be uncertain,
Pursue happiness, success, and health,
Love and be loved in a healthy relationship, and
Trust and gain the trust of others.
If you wish, sign your declaration. Use big, bold strokes like John Hancock’s so the King of England can be sure to see his name.
Of course, declaring independence in and of itself doesn’t make you free.
The American revolutionaries discovered that in 1776 when they declared independence but had to fight to secure it.
When you declare your independence from narcissists, you’re likely to encounter resistance, testing, or rejection. Freedom isn’t always easy.
But you’re not alone. There are far more non-narcissists than narcissists. Find them. Cultivate allies. Seek happiness. Befriend health.
As feminist pioneer Gloria Steinem said, in words no less clear and powerful than the language of the privileged white men who wrote the U.S. Declaration of Independence: “Power can be taken, but it cannot be given. The act of taking it is empowering.”
