Narcissism is one of the most important concepts we think about when trying to understand ourselves and others.
As they ask in the computer world, is it a feature or a flaw? It’s both! Most of us are somewhere in between, and it usually works well enough to help us get through the day, balancing our needs with those of others without dividing into “part-thing” or “all-thing” relationships (what psychoanalysts call “part-thing” relationships, rather than whole-thing relationships).
The advantage: Healthy narcissism is the holy grail of emotional health in many ways—representing security and compassion for self and others, and a wonderful lifelong relationship with oneself. Narcissism is a fundamental component of the human operating system, one of the building blocks of our identity, which consists of our “sense of self”—the device that keeps us afloat in the social and physical world.
We are born narcissists, especially when we live as children in a myopic world where we are the center of reality. How we move from childhood to adulthood greatly shapes the form that narcissism takes.
False: Pathological narcissism, on the other hand, is a terrible miscarriage of character, someone who demands a lot of admiration, who is either arrogant or weak at heart, who often treats others without a shred of respect or decency – yet the person others are drawn to is often due to the sense of security that narcissists often exude, whether or not it overcomes deep feelings of shame and insecurity.
A traumatic experience can leave a strong mark, as can dysfunctional relationships with caregivers and genetic factors, leaving us with a problematic self – which is the case with vulnerable narcissists. On the other hand, arrogant narcissists appear to be more narcissistic and authentic at heart.
There is no shortage of research on narcissism, and how it follows other “dark” traits including Machiavellianism, psychopathy, sadism, and negative impact on work and relationships. Narcissism can interfere with one’s sense of self and disrupt the well-being of those around us.
Despite the fragile veneer of positivity that narcissists project around them, there is a negative undercurrent that can be apparent (often in retrospect, unfortunately) and easy to ignore and justify. It is important to empathize with those who have experienced trauma, and to strive to heal everyone; it is also important to have boundaries around what is acceptable in relationships. Two recent papers in the Journal of Personality Research point to important factors that contribute to narcissistic negativit
- Narcissism and How We View the Past
Zaginkowski and colleagues (2021) looked at how narcissism shapes emotional interpretations of the past. Several hundred participants across seven studies completed surveys examining how personality and views of the past are related. The domains measured included vulnerable narcissism, negative views of the past, grandiose narcissism, the Big Five personality traits (openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism), approach/avoidance motivation (related to responses to criticism and opportunity), life satisfaction, emotional state (affect), self-esteem, anger, hostility, early life trauma, and memory bias (participants were asked to write a story about a recent trip and then raters rated how negative or positive it was).
Vulnerable narcissism was significantly associated with seeing the past in a negative light. Neuroticism was enhanced by negative views of the past, while openness, conscientiousness, and agreeableness were associated with more positive views. Vulnerable narcissism was associated with friendliness, and past-oriented negativity was associated with friendliness.
Past-oriented negativity and vulnerable narcissism were associated with lower well-being and self-esteem, as well as greater hostility toward others. Vulnerable narcissism was higher in those who recalled more trauma and had more negative feelings in the present. Negative bias toward the past was largely responsible for the impact of traumatic experience, rather than vulnerable narcissism. Early trauma was associated with later vulnerable narcissism and negative views of the past.
- Narcissism and image enhancement
Zarna and colleagues (2022) examined a different aspect of narcissism—“enhancement,” the extent to which one tends to build oneself up (self-enhancement) or try to make others look good (partner enhancement).
Partner enhancement is generally considered constructive in relationships—when it is reciprocal, consistent, and appropriate (i.e., trustworthy). Making each other “look good” is good for the individual and the team, improving performance through increased feelings of self-efficacy and increasing satisfaction in romantic relationships.
What Happens to Partner Enhancement in Relationships with Narcissists? Does Sex Matter? In three studies, researchers looked at key factors. In the first two, they focused on determining the baseline outcomes, measuring relationship duration, self-esteem, partner enhancement, and narcissism. While relationship length was not associated with partner enhancement, narcissism did. People with lower but greater narcissism were more positive toward their partners early on; this positivity faded over time. People with higher narcissism did not enhance their partners at any stage of the relationship, even early on (a warning sign).
In the third study, given that narcissists tend to be in relationships with other narcissists1, the researchers looked at couples and the effects of gender. More narcissistic people felt superior to their partners and did not enhance them.
For men only, there was less partner enhancement in longer relationships versus shorter ones. There were other differences between men and women: Less narcissistic women enhanced their partners more throughout the relationships, with a smaller decline in the long term, and those who were more narcissistic enhanced themselves in both the short and long term.
Men had a sharper decline in partner enhancement over time, and self-enhancement over time. For women, more than men, they viewed their partners more positively than their partners did themselves.
Navigating Narcissism
These studies highlight two major ways that pathological narcissism sabotages relationships. The first study shows the overall negative impact of vulnerable narcissism but not the grandiose kind. Unfortunately, this stems at least in part from developmental trauma, which deserves compassion for both partners… but not to the point of unhealthy self-sacrifice (not having a relationship). Narcissism itself then becomes a risk factor for future post-traumatic stress reactions (Bashar et al., 2005).
Be wary of people who enhance themselves but do not support your sense of self-worth. People are often drawn to those who appear confident, making the other’s self-enhancement potentially attractive. Watch for a partner’s low enhancement…2
Narcissistic negativity can reinforce a weak sense of self through neurotic coping mechanisms characterized by excessive anxiety, hostility, and expectation of the worst. Initial kindness may seem tempting and conscientiousness is the hallmark of a strong partner, but they can cover up deeper issues. Making sure that trauma-related issues are properly addressed is important for healthy and fulfilling relationships; if trauma is present, as it often is, make sure that both parties are addressing it, individually and as a couple.
Especially if we continue to enter into negative, unsatisfying relationships with narcissistic people who worsen our less helpful narcissistic traits, taking a break from serious relationships and working on ourselves is the most likely action to have a positive long-term impact. By understanding the patterns highlighted in research like this, we can recognize problems early and take appropriate steps to reduce future regret and ensure greater satisfaction.
