Having a close relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be frustrating. It can also be really painful sometimes.
As a mental health condition, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may present differently in each person.
Some people may experience less severe symptoms and can have long-term relationships.
Others may have developed defense mechanisms that lead them to use manipulative tactics with their partners, friends, and family members.
In either case, NPD is not a personal choice. It’s not a sign that someone is a “bad person.”
What may be described as “problematic behaviours” are a group of symptoms of a condition that may cause significant distress and distort the way a person sees themselves and others.
On the other hand, being on the receiving end of harmful behavior can also affect your health and mental health.
How can you deal with narcissistic behaviors in a relationship? We explore the answer in this article.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition
NPD is one of 10 personality disorders characterized by low self-esteem, need for admiration, low empathy, and self-centeredness.
It is estimated that between 0.5% and 5% of the US population may suffer from this mental health condition. It is more common in males.
“Narcissism is a disorder in which individuals have difficulty maintaining realistic and stable self-esteem,” explains Mark Ettenson, PsyD, a psychotherapist who practices in New York and California.
“Individuals with more severe narcissism typically have difficulty recognizing that others have feelings, and often prioritize their own needs over others’ needs, feelings, and rights,” he says.
To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) says a person must consistently exhibit at least five of the following nine symptoms:
Great sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with delusions of unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or perfect love
Believing that it is “special” and unique
The need for excessive admiration
Sense of entitlement
Manipulative tactics between people to achieve their own goals
Lack of empathy
Arrogant and arrogant behaviors and attitudes
Not all people with BPD will experience all of these symptoms or with the same severity.
Most importantly, the narcissistic personality goes beyond a number of behaviors or attitudes. Only a mental health professional can accurately diagnose the condition.
Also, everyone may at some point exhibit any of these behaviors. This does not mean that they have a personality disorder.
For example, you may desire praise and admiration from some people, or you may use some manipulative tactics in your relationships. This alone does not translate into the presence of this disorder.
8 Ways to Deal with Narcissistic Behaviors in Your Relationship
It is important to understand that narcissistic personality is a mental health condition and not a personal choice. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept being treated in a way that might hurt you.
Most people with this disorder are not fully aware of how they behave or the consequences these behaviors may have on others. It’s part of the complexity of the condition.
It is important to understand this because it may help you realize that trying to “change” them or “show” them their wrong ways may not always be fruitful.
The opposite may happen: criticism of their actions can sometimes lead to anger and retaliatory behaviors.
“Recognizing the widespread existence of narcissism is important,” Ettenson says. “Not all forms of narcissistic pathology are equal or destructive to healthy relationships.”
In all cases, it is important for you to develop coping skills that can protect you from harm.
- Educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder
One of the best ways to protect yourself from the emotional turmoil caused by being in a relationship with a narcissistic personality is to understand the disorder.
Recognizing the symptoms and complexities of narcissistic personality disorder can help you develop empathy for your partner but also protect yourself from believing that anything they do or say is “personal.”
In fact, understanding narcissistic personality disorder can help you depersonalize any insults, criticisms, and hurtful behavior.
Admitting that it’s not about you, but about their own mental health condition, is a powerful tool in managing a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality.
- Don’t idealize your partner
People with BPD may be attractive, charismatic, and confident at times. Hence, they can attract people with their attitude and energy.
As with any other relationship, it’s important not to idealize the other person, but rather to see them as they really are, including their not-so-glamorous moments.
This means you may want to take a look at how they interact with others, how they talk about their past relationships, and how they act with you when they feel upset.
It is important to have realistic expectations of what you will be able to achieve from your relationship. This also includes not excusing their behavior when you feel hurt.
- Express clearly how their actions affect you
Because people with borderline personality disorder may be less likely to realize how their behaviors affect you, it’s important to make your concerns heard.
Staying quiet just for the sake of “keeping the peace” may work against you in the end.
When someone is living with narcissistic personality disorder, any criticism, even if it’s minor, can rub them the wrong way. It’s also important to be prepared for a strong reaction or defensiveness when you talk to them.
“Protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse involves not allowing another person to belittle, belittle, or trample on your true thoughts and feelings,” Ettenson explains.
“Sometimes a simple, firm statement like, ‘Hey, my feelings are important, and I don’t feel like you’re listening to them or taking them seriously,’ is enough,” he says.
- Set clear boundaries
Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may feel entitled to intrude into every part of your life.
In their eyes, your main purpose in life may be to serve their needs. They may not fully realize that you have your own needs.
Setting boundaries can be incredibly helpful for managing a healthy relationship.
“When dealing with an individual who is behaving inappropriately, I recommend setting clear boundaries using simple, clear communication, and being prepared to leave if the other person does not respect the boundaries you have set,” says Ettenson.
It is also important to set these boundaries clearly and acknowledge when they are not respected or challenged.
Maybe your partner constantly texts or calls you when you’re out with friends and demands your attention. They may feel very upset and accuse you of not giving them the attention they need right now.
It is therefore important to express your boundaries verbally.
You can respond with a simple sentence: “I’m busy. I’ll get back to you when I can.” You can also be more specific and say something like: “Please don’t interrupt me when you know I’m spending time with friends or family.”
Expect decline, but try to hold steady.
- Do not accept hurtful comments
Of course, building thick skin is easier said than done. Some people are naturally more sensitive than others, and it can be difficult not to let harmful behaviors affect you.
It’s important to embrace the fact that their actions are not a reflection on you. It is a manifestation of a personality disorder.
Taking criticism and insults personally will quickly cause your self-confidence and self-esteem to decline.
Growing thicker skin can help you maintain a healthy sense of self and a realistic expectation for your relationship.
But this does not mean condoning unacceptable behavior. Even if they have a mental health condition, they do not have the right to constantly abuse or degrade you.
- Develop a support network
In some cases, you may not receive the support and attention you need from your NPD partner.
Developing new friendships and maintaining existing connections can help you find emotional fulfillment outside of your relationship.
Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may try to isolate you. They may try to maintain dominance and control, so they have your attention all the time.
This may make maintaining other links difficult at best.
However, keep in mind that you also need attention and support. If you’re not getting enough of a relationship, you have the right to look for it elsewhere.
- Get your own therapist
Whether or not your partner is receiving treatment for their mental health condition, it may also be a good idea to talk to a therapist yourself.
In addition to helping you recognize and understand your partner’s narcissistic personality, a therapist can provide guidance and support.
Although you may receive overt or subtle messages that your needs don’t matter from your partner, a therapist can remind you to put yourself first.
A mental health expert can also help you recognize when your partner is using manipulative or other narcissistic tactics and when this behavior turns into abuse.
- Prepare in advance if you choose to leave
Leaving a relationship with someone with BPD can be very difficult.
Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may have difficulty letting you go without repeatedly trying to get you back. In some cases, they may want to have the final say as well.
Whether someone is sowing doubt in your judgment or making you feel guilty about leaving, it’s important to remember the reasons why you made the decision.
It may also be necessary to prepare in advance and establish clear reasons for leaving.
Although threatening to leave may seem like an effective way to correct behavior, threatening to leave and then failing to follow through may be counterproductive.
This might give them more power and reaffirm that there is no need for them to change.
Consider saying that you will leave only when you are actually ready to do so.
When it’s time to leave
Ending a relationship is always difficult. You may still have great love for your partner, even if his or her neuropsychiatric disorder has greatly affected you.
But when the behavior turns into emotional or physical abuse, it’s time to leave.
“Sometimes, you need to determine whether or not a relationship is likely to improve,” says Ettenson, author of Uncovering Narcissism: A Guide to Understanding the Narcissists in Your Life.
“It’s time to leave any time someone acts violently or threatens violence,” he added.
According to Ettenson, other signs that it’s time to leave are when your partner repeatedly fails to recognize your feelings and engages in:
Emotional abuse
Verbal assault
Physical assault
Sexual violence
“Or if you feel strongly within that the relationship is unhealthy and likely to stay that way, it may be time to leave, too,” says Ettenson.
This includes:
Feeling isolated from your friends and family
Doubt your self-worth
Having difficulty enjoying activities
Feeling afraid to be yourself or behave in certain ways with your partner
You often feel guilty for voicing your opinion or needs
Can a narcissist change?
It’s normal to hold out hope that your partner will change or get rid of their narcissistic personality.
Research shows that some narcissistic traits may decrease with age.
Long-term psychotherapy can also be effective in treating borderline personality disorder. However, many people with this disorder do not seek professional support.
However, if they choose to pursue treatment, offering praise and encouragement for their decision may motivate them to continue treatment.
If change does occur, it is often a slow, gradual process that takes time, but it is possible.
