How do you deal with a narcissistic sibling? What traits make your brother or sister a narcissist? Let’s start with an example of how narcissistic siblings behave.
David was a fourteen-year-old boy; he was an excellent student, made it onto the football team his freshman year, and was loved by all his teachers.
Although it may have seemed like David had it all, deep down inside he was afraid of his own successes.
With every accomplishment came fear, and the source of that fear was someone who was supposed to be his biggest fan.
David’s older brother, Tom, is a narcissistic sibling. Whenever David succeeded, his brother was there to tear him down.
So David did his best to hide his successes, hiding his report cards and lying about his after-school activities to his parents—anything to appease Tom’s jealousy.
Ten years later, David is still terrified of his brother’s opposition. Tom feeds his parents misinformation designed to discredit David.
David has moved away to college and gotten a job in a city far away from his brother, but Tom is constantly trying to infiltrate David’s life. Every time they meet, Tom brags about his successes and uses the time they spend together to undermine David’s self-esteem. Through it all, David feels helpless – this is his big brother, someone who was supposed to protect him and guide him through the challenges of adolescence. Instead, Tom has been an endless source of pain in David’s life and he has no idea what to do about his brother.
Can Siblings Be Narcissists?
Anyone can be a narcissist, and while most of us have heard stories of narcissistic partners and narcissistic parents, the topic of narcissistic siblings goes largely unnoticed.
Sib abuse can be particularly damaging because, with the exception of the primary caregiver, siblings are often our closest relationships.
Sibs who are narcissistic are also not difficult to spot, as most are identified by a few specific traits.
Characteristics of narcissistic siblings include:
Entitlement: They will always treat you as if you owe them something.
They feel more important than you and believe that you should sacrifice more for them.
They will also monopolize your parent’s time and attention, justifying their behavior by saying that they are the “favorite” child.
Lack of Empathy: Sibling relationships are supposed to be reciprocal.
Sure, the older sibling may provide guidance and care for the younger sibling, and the younger sibling will often defer to the older sibling during childhood, but the relationship is supposed to be fair.
A narcissistic sibling expects you to indulge their feelings, but will look at you blankly or get angry if you express your feelings.
Never Taking Responsibility: You know the kid who always blames his or her younger sibling when they break a lamp that’s carelessly turned on around the house?
That child grows up blaming their parents and siblings for ruining their childhood and turning them into maladaptive adults.
Narcissists never take responsibility, as children or as adults.
Always Being the Center of Attention: Narcissists are defined by their strong need for narcissistic supply, which can come from their friends, romantic relationships, parents, and even siblings.
They try to get all the attention on them, even when it’s completely inappropriate, like your wedding or graduation.
Jealousy: Every big moment in your life is an affront to their ego. Did you get a promotion?
They’ll tell you why your job is stupid (and theirs is incredible). Are you getting married? They’ll criticize your spouse or tell you that “this will never last.”
Now let’s discuss how to deal with your narcissistic sibling.
Typical Behavior of a Narcissistic Sibling
Narcissistic Personality Disorder comes in many different forms, and while narcissists have some fairly specific core traits, the disorder manifests itself differently in siblings.
These are some of the most common issues you’ll encounter with a narcissistic sibling.
Characteristics of Narcissistic Siblings
Pointing out your appearance flaws: Narcissists find flaws in themselves and project them onto others.
A narcissistic sibling is typically obsessed with their appearance and will find any way possible to criticize your appearance.
Lies all the time: Narcissists live in their own reality, exaggerating their successes and covering up their failures.
A narcissistic sister also lies about mundane things; all that matters is maintaining a version of reality where she is the most important person in the world.
Steals your friends or romantic partner: This is especially common with a narcissistic older sister.
Friends, potential boyfriends, or girlfriends may view her as the cool big sister, and she will turn that admiration against you.
When she is successful, she will leave her sibling feeling worthless and isolated, and even if she is not successful,
Friends and romantic partners begin to feel extremely uncomfortable with her behavior and stop approaching her.
Playing the victim with your parents: Narcissists crave power, but are only too willing to get it through the sympathy of others.
A narcissistic sister will tell your parents how much you’ve hurt her, while also pointing out every mistake you’ve made to make sure they’re seen as the “good kid.”
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Sister?
You may be asking yourself, “My sister is a narcissistic bully—what should I do about it?”
Should you out a narcissistic sibling? If others could see them the way you see them, they’d lose all their power, right? While this may seem logical, narcissism isn’t like that at all, and outing them can have dire consequences.
The best option is to limit your exposure to her narcissistic tendencies while you try to heal from the damage she’s already done.
Set reasonable boundaries: Narcissistic siblings thrive on the admiration, praise, or respect you give them.
Spending more time with her can lower your self-esteem and lead to uncomfortable feelings and agitation.
You can limit the amount of time you spend with your sister.
She is still your sister, so you are bound to see each other on certain occasions: holidays, funerals, etc., unless you go the no-contact route.
These may be the only times you want to spend time with her, in order to maintain harmony between the family members.
Define acceptable behaviors: You may never have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with them, but you can draw a line in the sand and decide which of their behaviors are unacceptable.
Don’t like how close your sister is to your friends or your partner?
Tell her that these things are a big drawback and that she is at risk of losing you.
She may get upset and may even provoke a narcissistic rage, but at least she’ll know how far she can push before she starts cutting off contact.
Find support: One of the hardest parts of having a narcissistic sibling is how they isolate you from your family members.
Families provide crucial emotional support, but there’s a good chance your sibling will have just as much control over them as they do over you.
Instead, seek support from friends and professionals (like a licensed counselor) who have some distance from the situation.
Typical Behavior of a Narcissistic Sibling
Men and women exhibit narcissism in different ways, and this is also true in family relationships.
Some fighting between siblings is normal to some extent, but narcissistic behavior goes far beyond the usual sibling rivalry.
Violent bullying, especially of younger siblings, is common, but younger siblings may use their status as the “baby” in the family to suck up all of their parent’s attention.
You may already be saying, “I’m pretty sure my brother is a narcissist,” but there are some behaviors that are very common among all of them.
Characteristics of Narcissistic Siblings
Tells hurtful jokes: A narcissistic sibling will always tell stories and make comments that are meant to put you down.
If you complain about them and explain how much they’ve hurt you, they’ll say they were just joking and that you need to have a sense of humor.
But their jokes aren’t designed to make others laugh, they’re designed to control you.
They’re always in competition with you: It’s normal for siblings to have a little competition, but a narcissistic sibling will turn everything into a life-or-death contest, whether it’s academic performance or spitting watermelon seeds.
Your sibling will also spend an inordinate amount of time comparing your accomplishments to his,
belittling your achievements and bragging about his own. It should all revolve around how much better he is than you.
They’re often unfaithful to his partner: This doesn’t directly affect you, but it’s a good sign that your sibling doesn’t have much empathy for his partner.
This is someone he is supposed to have strong feelings for, but regularly neglects his obligations in favor of self-satisfaction.
Narcissists need a fresh supply of narcissism, and a new partner is perfect for getting it.
His hurtful, selfish actions won’t stop with his romantic partner either, and will likely hurt his siblings and parents as well.
He never accepts responsibility: A narcissistic sibling never believes he’s done anything wrong.
Everything is always someone else’s fault, and that someone else is usually you. Point this out to him, and his defenses will immediately go up and he’ll shift the blame to you.
He’ll recruit his flying monkeys, his loyal supporters, who may be your parents, siblings, or just mutual acquaintances.
He wants you to know that any criticism will be met with immediate retaliation.
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Sibling
Now that you understand the signs of the disorder, you may be worried about how to protect yourself from your narcissistic sibling.
Dealing with family is always a delicate balancing act, since the simplest solution is usually out of the question—cutting them out of your life entirely.
These are some less extreme options that put distance between you and your narcissistic sibling.
Don’t call him a narcissist: There’s plenty of evidence to show that most narcissists know they have a personality disorder, but they don’t see it as a problem.
But if you talk to your sibling, he’ll feel threatened and insulted.
This leads to retaliation and there’s little chance he’ll seek professional health care after the encounter.
Understand what you’re willing to accept: Narcissists have a wide range of negative behaviors, some worse than others.
This guy is family, so you may be more tolerant than you might be with a friend or coworker.
Set some hard lines for the most annoying behaviors and make it clear that you’re out if they continue.
Avoid contact: These suggestions should keep you from cutting ties with your sibling, but sometimes that’s your only option.
Show him the door and he’ll undoubtedly turn on you, including sending flying monkeys.
If you can weather the storm, this is your chance to recover from all of his narcissistic abuse.
Once you’ve made some progress, you can bring him back into your life in small doses.
Final Thoughts on How to Deal with Your Narcissistic Sibling
Awareness of his presence is devastating—your relationship with your sibling should be one of your closest personal relationships.
Instead, you have someone who is constantly trying to undermine you and seeks to destroy your relationships with other family members.
Fortunately, recognizing them as a narcissist is the first step in recovering from their abuse and setting boundaries for the future.
You’ll likely never have the warm, loving relationship you seek with your sibling, but with careful boundaries, you can at least have a civil relationship.
