Getting your feelings hurt by the people you love is something you can’t avoid.
Sometimes the pain isn’t worse than a slap, but sometimes it can cut your heart so deeply that you want to end the relationship forever.
But the problem is that even though they may have hurt you, they are someone you consider special, so a part of you still wants to save the relationship… which is why it’s so hard.
Here are 18 important tips to keep in mind when dealing with someone who’s emotionally abusing you.
1) Walk Away to Process Your Feelings
The worst thing you can do after someone emotionally hurts you is to respond right away.
You need to give yourself time to calm down and process your feelings. Otherwise, you’ll end up doing or saying something you’ll regret.
For the same reason, you also need to put some distance between you and the person who’s hurting you. All the time in the world won’t help you calm down if you’re close to each other.
As tempting as it is, try to walk away as calmly as possible.
Did they betray you? Let them talk… then walk away.
Did they tell someone your secret? Tell them you know what they did… and then walk away.
Don’t do this to make them feel guilty so they’ll chase you down and beg for forgiveness. Do this because it’s a necessary step for you to heal.
2) Understand that your feelings are valid
Someone who has hurt you emotionally is likely trying to make you doubt yourself and your thoughts—an act called manipulation.
It may be intentional, but some people are so lost in themselves that they don’t even realize they’re doing it.
In either case, it’s important to defend yourself against this. Emotions are inherently irrational, and you shouldn’t let yourself get carried away by them.
But even then, you should keep in mind that your feelings are valid and that no one has the right to dictate your feelings.
If they tell you that you’re overly sensitive, consider the possibility but don’t let them dismiss your feelings. After all, you may be sensitive and they may be wrong.
3) Don’t Play the Blame Game
They may be tempted to blame everything that happened on you.
They may say that you’re not trying hard enough, or that you did something that made them act the way they did. You may also be tempted to blame them in return.
You should avoid this!
Don’t get involved in the blame game, as this will only make things worse for everyone. Remember that when people say something like “Look what you made me do!”, whatever they did was something they chose to do.
Be the bigger person and stay out of the drama. Collect your thoughts now so you can communicate them well later.
You’re an adult, not a child pointing fingers at each other.
If they blame you, don’t give in.
If you feel the need to blame them, walk out of the room and get busy. It’s a complete waste of time.
4) Take Care of Your Body
In times of extreme distress, it’s essential to take care of yourself. Sometimes we forget to eat because all we want to do is cry. But this isn’t just bad for our bodies, it can be bad for our sense of judgment, too.
Taking care of your body helps you deal with your emotions better. That means getting enough nutrients, getting enough sleep, and moving your body.
Exercise releases endorphins, chemicals that help keep you happy. That’s why people with depression are often advised to exercise. Plus, there’s something about hitting a punching bag.
On the other hand, rest helps your mind catch up with what you’ve been through and process the intense emotions you’ve been suppressing while you’re awake. So when you feel like you can’t go on anymore, grab a pillow and sleep.
However, if you prefer a simpler way to take care of your body and mind, I suggest a free self-healing meditation. It’s a 19-minute guided meditation that offers holistic healing by focusing on each part of your body.
Personally, it’s been the quickest way to release stress from my body and feel more in control of my emotions.
So, if you’re trying to figure out which areas need healing and relaxation the most, it might be a good idea to incorporate this meditation into your routine.
Click here to access the therapeutic self-reflection.
5) Think about how you might have contributed
However, just because you shouldn’t play the blame game doesn’t mean you should ignore the possibility that you might have made the situation worse.
During your argument, did you raise your voice, get into an argument, or bring up topics that should have been put aside?
Let’s say someone threw a glass at your car because you yelled at them for being drunk and standing in the middle of the road. Maybe they decided to throw something at your car and to be drunk, but things wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t yelled at them.
Regardless, think about how you might have contributed to them doing the thing that hurt you.
Have you been neglecting them for too long? Have you been critical and arrogant towards them? Sure, you have some flaws too.
Think about it and don’t let your pride stop you from thinking about yourself.
6) Write to reflect
Writing about your problems is a simple but effective way to make them easier to understand and process.
Get a piece of paper or turn on your laptop, and write about what happened. Then, when you do, describe the things they did and said that contributed to you feeling that way.
Did they continue to ignore you on dates?
Did their big mouth lead them to share too many of your secrets?
If it feels even remotely important, write it down. You’re free. Don’t filter yourself.
Once you’ve finished, read what you’ve written. It’s easier to understand your feelings when you look at them than to wallow in them.
7) Try to understand the situation
No one does anything without a reason.
It could be a pent-up emotion finally bubbling to the surface, a stressful day that’s getting to their head, or rumors and gossip that are leading them to all the wrong conclusions.
Trying to figure out what’s causing the situation — which can sometimes, but not always, be as simple as asking them about it — can help you better process the situation and figure out how you want to handle it.
If they’ve intentionally betrayed you, it can be very difficult to find any reason other than their selfishness and lack of concern for others. But you don’t have to forgive them. All you need to do is understand the situation and analyze it from all sides.
And while you’re at it, it helps to approach it as if you were an outsider, perhaps like a scientist trying to examine a specimen under a microscope.
Get rid of your feelings and try to see things as objectively as possible. Your goal isn’t to sympathize with someone who’s wronged you, because that’s a big task. The goal is simply to see things more clearly.
8) Think about their history
Having someone hurt your feelings once or twice is something you can probably assume are honest mistakes that deserve forgiveness. But when it happens over and over again, you should be wary because there is a chance you are stuck in an abusive relationship.
That’s why it’s so important to take the time to think about how they’ve treated you in the past.
Try to see if there is a pattern to the emotional hurt you’ve been receiving, and how long it has been going on.
Don’t think that only the big things matter either. Even small betrayals, when they happen often, add up to create big wounds in your heart. There is such a thing as death by a thousand cuts, after all.
9) Think about what they mean to you
When you’ve calmed down and have had time to process your feelings, think about what they mean to you.
Are they people you love?
Do you think they are genuinely good people to the core and what they did to you was out of character?
If you’ve been friends for decades, it’s time to take a look at who they are now and not feel nostalgic about their past. Maybe the person you once loved isn’t the same person you have now.
Assuming they’ll never change, are they worth the pain they may cause in your life?
This won’t automatically lead to clarity, of course. But it may help to think about who they are and what they truly mean to you now and in the future. Some people and relationships are still worth fighting for.
10) Get a Second Opinion
Never underestimate the importance of having another perspective on an issue.
You can’t be completely objective no matter how hard you try, and while other people won’t necessarily be objective either, they may at least see something that you can’t see no matter how hard you think about yourself.
But be careful. Choose someone who is truly sensible. Tell them that you need sound advice, not just comfort. Tell them that it’s okay if they don’t “side” with you because you want the truth.
While it’s tempting to talk to friends and family about your problems, you need to be very careful that any gossip doesn’t reach your abuser, or you’ll end up making things worse. That’s why a counselor—a professional who’s bound by an oath of confidentiality—is your best if not necessarily the cheapest, option.
