Narcissism is one of the most insidious personality disorders in existence.
It is often difficult to recognize, especially in your children. You may feel as though something is off about their behavior, but finding out that your child may be a narcissist is hard to accept.
It brings up all kinds of feelings for you as a parent. where did I go wrong? What could you have done better, if anything?
It is important to remember that there is no specific science that points to you as the cause of your child’s narcissistic tendencies or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
There are several theories that might explain how these traits develop, and one contends that having a narcissistic parent can lead to some children developing the disorder themselves. But we are now learning that what we originally thought about the origins of narcissism is not so cut and dry.
So, what could be the reason? How do you recognize it, and most importantly, how do you deal with it?
How do you know if you are a parent to the children of an adult narcissist?
Children learn how the world works through the capable lenses of their caregivers, and research rooted in attachment theories shows this. When the caregiver is appropriately attentive to the child’s feelings and needs, the child then feels safe and secure.
However, in narcissistic families, children experience frequent incidents of their parents disagreeing with their feelings, contradicting them, or completely ignoring them. The parent does not validate the child’s emotions; The parent validates whatever is in the best interests of the parents.
A narcissistic parent may punish children for crying, shame them for feeling afraid, and even suppress them when expressing “excessive” happiness. In other words? Children learn that their feelings are erratic and insecure. They learn that they are the source of the problems.
Because of this, many children grow up believing that feelings must be suppressed. To achieve this suppression, we see many children of narcissists struggle with substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, and other impulsive or compulsive lifestyles.
After all, if they’ve gone through complex years of condemnation for having feelings, why should they feel safe within their emotional selves? In many cases, this can cause the child to develop narcissistic personality traits. (In other cases, children will form submissive personality traits.)
There are some signs of narcissistic behavior that parents should watch out for:
Inflated ego: The narcissist has a huge ego. Child narcissistic adults demand that you do whatever they want, try to control you, and push all boundaries. Every time you give them what they want, they ask for something else. They say your job is to make them happy.
Need for Validation: The narcissist needs constant admiration. Often, they need praise for simple tasks, like showing up to your birthday party. You may find yourself giving your narcissistic adult child an excessive amount of praise for something that is a normal part of family life.
Feelings of entitlement: the narcissist feels entitled to things that he or she must work for. For example, they may ask for silly things like financial support in adulthood. Or the tasks they should be doing themselves, but you find yourself doing… like washing and folding their clothes, filling out their work applications, calling sick work for them, or fixing breakfast or lunch to go to work.
Exploitation: The narcissist acts without conscience and thinks only of himself. They lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want. This exploit can be blatantly obvious or very subtle, so be on the lookout if you feel like a user. This may manifest in their tantrums, blackmailing you by withholding their or your grandchildren’s love, trying to seduce you with love and affection when they want something, and blaming you for their behavior.
Distorted Thinking: The narcissist occupies a fantasy world where he or she is the greatest and most important person in the universe. To preserve the imagination, narcissists lie. They often deny the obvious. They may make up imaginary tales to support their imagination.
Unpleasant personality: Contempt and belittling are narcissists’ favorite tools. When they feel threatened by success, they become mean. Watch out for those who constantly disparage the accomplishments of others. You may find your narcissistic adult kid talking badly about his friends behind their backs, but pretending to care about them when those same friends come over.
How normal children grow into child narcissistic adults
Narcissism is a condition that can form early and is more pronounced in adults. However, doctors are reluctant to diagnose and treat the disorder in people under the age of 18, because it can be difficult to determine whether the above behaviors result from narcissism or normal childhood developmental stages.
How did this happen? There are several possible causes for narcissistic behavior:
Genetics: In some cases, inherited genetics are thought to be the cause of the development of narcissism, which often forms in childhood. This is why it is so important that you do not have children with anyone who shows signs of narcissism in the first place. They can transmit this disorder to children.
Neuroscience: There have been some studies in patients diagnosed with NPD that show that neurobiology may play a role in narcissism. The narcissistic person’s brain may not work in the same way as yours. They process other people’s feelings but feel no empathy.
Environment: Certain family environments seem to nurture this disorder. They include living with a narcissistic parent in the absence of love and affection, or a highly competitive environment. Neglect, abuse, and even excessive reverence for a child can contribute. Most children who grow up with a narcissistic parent in the home usually become either narcissistic or codependent as adults.
How to manage your relationship with adult child narcissists
Dealing with a narcissistic adult child is a losing situation.
When you confront your adult child, you just want to help him. But you can’t. Narcissism generally develops during childhood. Once your child is no longer a child, it is often too late to treat the disorder.
Narcissism grows to be a part of their personality. It is an extension of themselves. Therapists say that some people with narcissism don’t even know they have it. These people have no desire to become “better”. They don’t see that there is something wrong with them in the first place.
Change your point of view
Narcissists manage to fool themselves into thinking they are perfect and therefore have no real desire to change. You will not help them become better people. You will only be able to help them reach selfish goals, often at your own expense. This doesn’t help anyone.
So how do you get out of this lose-lose situation and make it a win-win situation?
by removing the hyphen. It’s not a two-sided situation, with your outcome on the one hand and the outcome for your child on the other. The score for you is what you should think about. The results your adult child achieves are now his or her responsibility, not yours.
Stop seeing things from your adult child’s point of view, because your child’s point of view is likely to be selfish and irrational.
Acceptance
As hard as it is, stop fighting. Accepting your child’s personality and behavior does not mean going along with him, or giving in to his demands. Quite the opposite. This means accepting that your child will never change while confronting his exploitative behavior.
Know that you love them very much. Accept that they probably don’t love you and can never love you again. Know that no matter what you do for them, it will never be enough. This will save you a lifetime of heartache and is the only way to protect yourself.
If you keep trying to change the relationship, your child will continue to fight you. Likewise, if you continue to give in to their demands and allow them to use you, you will never find happiness.
Let them know this is the way you feel. Do not listen to their arguments, and do not believe their statements about change.
isolation
Often, the only sure way to deal with a narcissistic adult child is to cut off contact. It is very difficult to do this, especially when it comes to your children.
Delete and block your child’s phone number. Be prepared for them to contact you anyway and be prepared to leave. You must harden yourself against their reaction. When you decide enough is enough, make sure you have a support system of loving family and friends around you.
You can also join a support group that caters to other victims of narcissistic behavior. It can greatly help you to talk about your feelings and find strength within the group.
Eventually, your child will get the message and stop fighting you.
Dealing with your adult narcissistic children means taking control of your life
Dealing with a narcissistic adult child is painful and difficult. However, confronting the problem is something you need to do to improve your own life and stop the cycle of abuse. The only way to hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior, or to cut off contact.
To learn more about narcissistic behavior and how to break free from it, check out our online courses.
On Break Free, you will have the opportunity to connect with other parents who have discovered their adult children have become narcissistic. Many of the same techniques and boundaries used with other types of narcissists are largely the same as those used with child narcissists.
