Dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law can be an arduous journey filled with emotional turmoil. Often, these women do not accept the fact that their sons have matured into adulthood, and they hate the idea of sharing their son with another woman.
As a result, they view their child’s partner as a threat, which in turn leads them to resort to controlling, criticizing and manipulative behaviours.
Successfully managing such a situation may seem like an uphill battle, but there are strategies available that can help ease the transition and mitigate the effects of having a narcissistic mother-in-law.
These tactics, which require a great degree of strength and patience, can greatly relieve the stress associated with such a sensitive relationship over time.
The trials and tribulations of having a narcissistic mother-in-law
One of the hardest things about having a narcissistic mother-in-law is dealing with the constant criticism, manipulation, and control that can accompany such a relationship.
The narcissist may try to undermine you in order to regain some sense of control and power over her child.
This behavior can be incredibly mentally and emotionally draining, leaving the daughter-in-law feeling like she has no ability to stand up for herself or her marriage.
Manipulation and lies
Your narcissistic mother-in-law may try to destabilize your relationship with her son through various means.
In this strategy, the narcissist seeks to create a gap between you and your partner, manipulating him or her into standing against you. This can put a lot of stress on your relationship.
If these maneuvers are not done carefully, they can permanently damage your relationship. It is essential to remain vigilant about such tactics and strive to maintain open and honest communication with your partner to counter the toxic influence of his mother.
Trying to steal the spotlight
One of the challenges of dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law is her constant attempts to obscure you.
Think of those infamous tales of mothers-in-law showing up to their son’s wedding dressed all in white. Such stories are not just urban legends; These are typical scenarios when one marries a narcissistic child!
Expect that she will seek to outdo you in every aspect. This can range from how you present yourself, your cooking skills, or even your parenting style.
This must be a very annoying situation.
However, keep in mind the fact that it is not about winning or losing against her, but rather about maintaining your emotional health and harmony within your family.
Lighting and hint
A favorite tactic of narcissistic protectors is gaslighting.
This is where she tries to make you question your perception of reality and your memory of events by denying things that she knows to be true.
Did she say your butt looks big, and then deny she said anything like that when you called her?
Has she ever directed the conversation to “that pretty girl I used to date” a few years before she met you — only to brush you off as “too sensitive” when you tried to change the subject?
She also constantly “jokes” or makes sly remarks about how you’re not good enough for her son.
Yes, you are dealing with a gas lighter okay!
Master of dealing by proxy
Over the years, your narcissistic mother-in-law will have amassed and brainwashed a group of flying monkeys that obey her every command.
And just like the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz, she won’t hesitate to unleash them to do her dirty work for her.
Her flying monkeys could be anyone, from her friends and other children, to your family members, and even your children!
They will do and say things that hurt you on her behalf, or tell her what you are up to.
So, watch out for any family member or friend who suddenly criticizes you or starts siding with your mother-in-law against you.
Protecting your relationship from your narcissistic mother-in-law
Dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law can be difficult, but it’s important to protect your relationship and maintain your sanity. Here are some tips that can help:
- Set boundaries
Perhaps one of the most important steps in dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law is setting clear, firm boundaries.
Boundaries serve as guidelines for acceptable behavior, helping to maintain respect and understanding within relationships.
First, identify your comfort zones in various aspects of your relationship with her.
This could include the frequency of her visits, the topics she would like to discuss, or the type of advice you would be open to receiving from her.
It is essential that these boundaries align with your personal values, comfort, and sanity.
Once these boundaries are established, communicate them firmly but respectfully to both your partner and your mother-in-law.
Make sure your partner understands and supports these boundaries, as a united front can be more effective when dealing with narcissistic behaviors.
When communicating these boundaries to your mother-in-law, be firm and consistent.
Use clear, direct language and avoid being tempted to justify or argue about your decisions.
Remember, it’s not about getting her approval, it’s about maintaining your emotional health.
Finally, it’s important to remember that saying no is not an act of disrespect or cruelty — it is a measure of self-care.
You have the right to prioritize your well-being, and setting boundaries is an essential part of that.
If boundaries are crossed, be prepared to enforce them by reasserting your position or taking action.
By setting and maintaining these boundaries, you create a safer space for yourself while also teaching your mother-in-law how to treat you with respect and consideration.
- Maintain open communication with your partner
Maintaining open lines of communication with your partner is not only important, but essential when facing the challenges of a narcissistic mother-in-law.
The foundation of any strong relationship is honesty and understanding, and this becomes even more important under these circumstances.
Start by expressing your feelings about your mother-in-law’s actions in a non-accusatory way.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings: “I feel overwhelmed when your mother does this…” instead of “Your mother always does this…”.
This approach ensures that your partner understands that this is about your feelings, not an attack on his mother.
Discuss your concerns and experiences regularly with your partner.
This doesn’t mean that every conversation has to revolve around your mother-in-law, but rather that you create a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings when needed.
This practice will help prevent the buildup of resentment and keep misunderstandings at bay.
Make sure you are both on the same page regarding how to handle situations involving your mother-in-law.
Consistency is key, and a united front is often more effective than individual efforts.
Develop strategies together on how to address her narcissistic behaviors and support each other in implementing them.
Mutual support is crucial in such situations.
Be there for each other emotionally and mentally. Understand that your partner may also be struggling with his mother’s behavior. Encourage each other, offer comfort, and be pillars of strength for each other.
By promoting transparent communication with your partner, you not only strengthen your bond, but you better prepare yourselves to deal with the complexities of dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law.
- Don’t take it personally
When dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law, it is important to understand that her actions and words are driven by her own insecurities and are not a reflection of your worth or character.
This understanding can help you avoid personalizing her behavior, which can be crucial to your mental and emotional health.
Narcissists often project their fears onto others. This means that their criticism, manipulation, or negative behaviors are more about themselves and their issues than about you or your actions.
Keeping this in mind can help you stay away from negativity and maintain your self-esteem.
Try not to internalize her words or actions. It’s normal to feel hurt or upset when someone acts negatively toward you, but remember that their behavior is not a judgment on your worth.
You are not responsible for her actions and you cannot control them.
Instead, focus on maintaining your emotional balance.
When you confront her narcissistic behavior, remind yourself: “It’s about her, not me.
Repeat it like a mantra if necessary, to help separate its actions from your self-worth.
Also consider practicing empathy, not as a way to justify her behavior, but as a tool to depersonalize her.
Understanding that her behavior is coming from a place of insecurity can help you see that it’s less about you and more about her struggle with her self-worth.
By reframing your perspective in this way, you can protect your mental and emotional health from the impact of her narcissistic behavior.
Remember that you have a right to respect and kindness, and her inability to provide that does not diminish your value.
- Seek professional help
Dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law can be an emotionally exhausting experience and may lead to significant stress and anxiety.
In such situations, seeking professional help can be a helpful step towards managing the situation and maintaining your mental health.
Therapists and counselors are trained professionals who can provide valuable insights.
They can provide you with effective coping strategies tailored to your specific situation.
This may include techniques for maintaining emotional distance, methods for assertive communication, or ways to reinforce your boundaries.
Professional help can also help process your feelings and experiences.
A counselor or therapist can provide you with a safe, non-judgmental space to express your feelings and concerns.
It can help you deal with your feelings, reduce feelings of guilt or self-doubt, and boost your self-esteem.
In some cases, couples therapy may be helpful.
It allows you and your partner to work together under professional guidance to address issues related to your mother-in-law.
This collaborative approach can strengthen your bond, improve communication, and ensure a united front in dealing with her behavior.
- Practice self-care
Dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law can be an exhausting ordeal, often leaving you emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.
In the midst of this, it’s important not to lose sight of your well-being. Prioritizing self-care is not only beneficial, but essential for maintaining your overall health and maintaining your resilience.
Physically, make sure you take care of your body.
This means eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, and ensuring adequate sleep.
These basic self-care practices play an important role in maintaining your physical health and boosting your energy levels, allowing you to better deal with stressful situations.
Emotionally, set aside time every day to engage in activities that bring you happiness and relaxation.
This could be reading a book, doing a hobby, spending time with friends, or just enjoying a quiet moment alone.
These activities can serve as a mental escape from stress and provide a much-needed boost to your mood and emotional health.
Mindfulness practices can be particularly helpful in managing the mental stress caused by narcissistic mothers-in-law.
Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga can help reduce anxiety, improve focus, and promote a feeling of calm.
It allows you to stay present, rather than getting bogged down in past struggles or future fears.
Also make sure to maintain your social relationships outside of the family.
Spending time with supportive friends or loved ones can provide a respite from stress at home and remind you to have positive relationships in your life.
- Keep your distance
If your attempts to manage the situation prove ineffective, it may be necessary to consider limiting your interactions with your narcissistic mother-in-law.
Although this may not be the desired solution, it is sometimes the most effective way to protect your personal health and the health of your other relationships.
If direct interaction cannot be avoided, consider using the “gray rock” method.
This strategy involves providing minimal response to the narcissist’s attempts to engage, which makes you uninteresting and discourages further interaction.
Respond with neutral comments and avoid revealing personal information or feelings that could be used against you.
In extreme cases, it may be necessary to not call. This means cutting off all forms of communication with your mother-in-law completely.
Although this decision should not be made lightly, sometimes it is the only option left to ensure your emotional well-being.
Remember, distancing yourself does not mean punishing the narcissist, but rather taking care of your mental and emotional health. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and the harmony of your immediate family over maintaining a difficult relationship
