We face them every day. They could be your boss, your dating partner, or even a family member.

I’m talking about people who are completely self-focused and full of themselves – narcissists.

They seem to be everywhere these days. There is little we can do about the widespread prevalence of narcissists.

Related : Divorcing a narcissist: 14 things you need to know

The real question is: How the hell do we deal with narcissists? How can we protect our emotional health?

In this article, we will talk about the meaning of narcissism and how you can deal with it effectively…even when you cannot avoid it in your daily life.

9 Healthy ways to deal with narcissists

1) Forgive yourself.
For many victims, their first reaction when they learn and accept that they have been caught up in a manipulative and exploitative relationship with a narcissist is shame and self-loathing.

This is especially the case now that you’re stuck with them.

So the first step is to forgive yourself. Say to yourself: This happened to me because I have a positive, kind, and sacrificial personality, all of which are positive traits.

It’s time to rebuild your character, and when this is all over, you’ll finally be able to escape.

2) You don’t think you can help.
Common mistake: “I can help.”

People who fall into the trap of professional, casual, or romantic relationships with narcissists make the same first mistake: believing that they can be influential enough in the narcissist’s life to make a difference in their personality.

After identifying that a person is a narcissist, they believe they can force that person to change through positive reinforcement, encouragement, and other good behavior.

The Unfortunate Truth: According to licensed clinical psychologist Diane Grande, Ph.D., a narcissist “will only change if it serves his purpose.”

While this suggests that the narcissist can change, what exactly does it mean?

Narcissists exist in their ecosystems. Everything around them is designed to feed their selfish needs: the need for power, the need for affirmation, the need to feel special.

They have an extreme inability to see the world the way non-narcissists do, and for this reason, they simply cannot change the way others might grow or develop.

Personal growth generally comes through hardship, reflection, and a true desire to change.

It requires the individual to look within himself, recognize his weaknesses or flaws, and demand the best from himself.

But these are all actions that narcissists cannot do. Their entire lives are designed around ignoring self-reflection and self-criticism, and forcing them to change by normal means requires forcing them to act against their nature.

Instead, if you find yourself involved with a narcissist, your first reaction (if possible) should be to immediately retreat.

Save yourself the trouble and prioritize your happiness and sanity. In many cases, you may not have a choice, so when you do have a choice, get out now.

Ask yourself, if the narcissist is…

a partner:

• How long did you spend together?
  – Is this the person you want to fight to save or change?
  -Are you in love, or are you “trauma bonded” with them?

friend:
-Are your other friends willing to help, or are you alone?
-Is this friendship more important than your happiness and safety?
-Do they deserve your attention?

president:

• Do you need this job?
  – Is there a different way to improve your environment, such as reporting it to HR or requesting a transfer to a different department?
• Have close friends and family already tried to help them?

3) Play together or leave
Common mistake: “I just want them to look in the mirror, and that will force them to change.”

Many of us mistreat narcissists simply because we don’t put ourselves in their shoes.

We fail to recognize or acknowledge the facts that form the foundations of the narcissist’s reality.

We believe that by describing or showing them their behavior, we can shame them into changing. After all, this is how we will react.

The unfortunate truth:

But narcissists are not ignorant of the way they act. In most cases, narcissists are aware of their behavior as well as the reputation of their behavior.

In a series of studies conducted by researchers at Washington University in St. Louis, they found that “narcissists have self-awareness and are aware of their reputation.”

So how can they maintain their arrogance if they realize that others view them negatively?

According to researchers, narcissists convince themselves of two things to overcome society’s negative view of them:

• They believe that their critics envy them
  -They think their critics are so stupid that they don’t realize their value

When others try to talk to them about their behavior, they try to get around it with what is known as self-validation theory, or the idea that they are exceptional and must continue to show off and be arrogant to show off their brilliance to others.

Instead, you can save more time and energy by playing on their narcissism.

According to clinical psychologist Al Bernstein, the only way to truly connect with a narcissist is to pretend to like them as much as they like themselves.

If you refuse to play by their rules, you trigger something psychologists refer to as “narcissistic injury,” where the narcissist will make your life as miserable as possible.

Related : Understanding the dance between narcissists and codependents

Instead of trying to fix it, see if you can live with it and live with it. The answer to this question will depend on how intertwined your life is with the narcissist, as well as how deep your narcissism runs.

Ask yourself, if the narcissist is…

a partner:
– Is their narcissism a major issue or something you can live with?

• Do they let their narcissism affect every aspect of your life and relationship?
• Have your families been negatively affected by their narcissism?

friend:
Is their narcissism just annoying, or is it a danger to you, themselves, and/or your social circle?
– Have they always been narcissists or is it something they have recently developed?
-Do they know that they are negatively affecting their friends’ lives?

president:
– How long will they be your boss? Can you live with this in the meantime?
– Do you need your manager as a reference for the future, or can you dismiss him permanently?
– Does their behavior negatively affect your workplace and productivity?

(To learn how to be mentally strong in the face of toxic people, check out my eBook on the Art of Resilience here)

4) Reward their behavior, not their promises
Common mistake: “I confronted them and they promised me to change. We have finally reached a breakthrough! “

For those of you trying to fix the narcissist in your life, you may have had a few moments where you thought you had finally reached some kind of breakthrough.

Maybe you just had a simple conversation with them about their behavior, or maybe you tried something radical, like an intervention that involved all family members and close friends.

One way or another, you will get the narcissist in your life to acknowledge his behavior and submit to it.

You were able to get them to say, “I’m sorry, I’ll try to change,” which is something you never thought would happen.

Now the worst is over, and you can start to see real changes in their behavior.

The unfortunate truth is that narcissists are liars, and they know how to play the game better than anyone else. This is a particular problem when dealing with covert narcissists – these are narcissists who understand how important it is to get people to believe what they want to believe.

They manipulate those around them with white lies, empty promises, and fake smiles.

Unlike overt narcissists, they know when it’s time to replace a confident facade with something younger and more vulnerable. And every time they win, it simply enables them to do it again when needed.

The best way to deal with narcissists is to show them that they will not get what they want with promises and smiles.

Just so you get your end of the deal, they have to get their end. Not only will they respect you because you cannot be easily manipulated, but they will also learn to cooperate with you.

With this simple change, you will evolve from “just another pawn” in their eyes to someone they respect, and perhaps even admire.

Ask yourself, if the narcissist is…

a partner:
-Do they respect you or do they try to manipulate you whenever they want?
– Have you reinforced their behavior by always giving them what they ask for?

• Is it too late in the relationship to start behaving differently?

friend:
-Is there anyone in your circle of friends who you treat with more respect? If so why?

• Have they ever quarreled with other friends who did not do what they asked?
  – Have they promised change in the past and failed?

president:

• Will your boss try to use his power if you don’t do what he tells you?
  – Do they have counterparts in the office who you can reach out to to try to fix their behavior?
  – Can you disobey their demands without risking your job?