Before you can learn how to disarm a narcissist, you must be able to recognize when you are actually dealing with a narcissist.
I didn’t realize I was in a relationship with a narcissist until I divorced him. Before our marriage finally ended, I had never connected the narcissistic dots between my husband’s manipulative behavior, emotionally avoidant communication style, lack of empathy, and inability to compromise or put anyone’s needs before his own.
I felt like there must be a pathological reason for his behavior, but I didn’t know what it was.
#What is a narcissist?
In today’s society, the term “narcissist” is used (and misused) in many ways.
In casual conversations with friends and family, this term is often used to describe someone who others consider to be selfish, conceited, and introverted. Their greatest fear is rejection and denial.
In the world of clinical psychology, this term is shorthand for a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a valid mental health condition characterized by selfish thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive attention, and feelings of neglect. Grandiosity (an arrogant sense of superiority), and a sense of entitlement.
Related: The Type Of Narcissist He Is, According To His Zodiac Sign
#Signs of narcissism
In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)
Narcissism is viewed broadly based on the severity of symptoms, from mild to moderate, and all of us have narcissistic traits and tendencies to some degree.
“What distinguishes some narcissistic behaviors from pathological narcissism is frequency, intensity, and duration,” explains Preston Ni, MSB.A.
“While some people may occasionally and mildly display narcissistic traits, a pathological narcissist routinely uses destructive narcissistic tactics to gain false superiority and exploit relationships.”
#Disarm the narcissist
Because people with BPD are unable to regulate their emotions and consider the impact their actions may have on others, they can be difficult to deal with.
But clarity is powerful—and understanding how narcissists feel and think differently than you will be your best defense against a bully. And make no mistake about it, narcissists are bullies.
“When you’re with a narcissist, it’s often going to turn you off because at first, because they’re so good at putting on a show of admiration,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., of American Psychologist. organized. (2016) Psychology Talk: Identifying a Narcissist.[/fn], Author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.
She continues, “[They] can be charismatic, often very intelligent, charming, very attractive. But over time, all that superficiality is met with a real lack of empathy, and it’s often a lack of empathy.” Don’t listen carefully, they will be prone to patterns like deception and lying, not good things for highly connected relationships.
Unless your narcissistic partner is willing to do a lot of work in therapy, life will never get better and you will continue to be emotionally abused.
Despite my best attempts in my relationship with a narcissist, I was unable to identify an effective way to deal with him that would save our marriage.
My husband used to give me the silent treatment when he didn’t get what he wanted. He declared that he was right and would simply move to the guest room until I changed my mind and apologized. It made me cry every time, but there was no sympathy, thought, or compromise with him.
On the other hand, people with narcissistic personality disorder can be charming, using tactics such as love bombing (showering you with massive amounts of attention and compliments) and obsession (trying to suck you back in after treating you like dirt) in their manipulative efforts to attract you back. Get your undying devotion.
“The difficult thing about a relationship with a narcissist is that they often rely on hope,” says Dr. Durvasula.
There’s a reason flight attendants remind passengers to secure their oxygen masks first, before helping others. For most people, our instinct is to reach out and help our family members and loved ones first. As parents, we have to fight our instincts to put our children’s safety before our own.
Narcissist on a plane? They don’t need reminding. They might be thinking: “Why would anyone need a reminder to save themselves first?”
As sad as it sounds, narcissists often view their children not as separate beings, but as extensions of themselves. The narcissistic parent is likely to feel that whatever makes him happy will also make his child happy, as if it will affect him, unlike the parent who thinks about his child’s needs first and then thinks about how to regulate his own needs.
To disarm a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than he or she is. So expect the magic, know that it won’t last, and follow these steps to protect yourself from their wrath. The best way to disarm them is to have complete control over their emotions and not feed their ego.
Disarming them verbally means saying absolutely nothing to them about themselves. Verbal praise strengthens the narcissist’s unstable mind, and their weaknesses include insecurity, poor decision-making skills, and lack of empathy.
Related: 9 Signs Of Narcissistic Abuse, Explained By A Therapist
#How to deal with a narcissistic person
1. Stay away from communicating with the narcissist.
Don’t be surprised by the narcissist’s angry rage when you cut him off. Don’t try to reason with them, and avoid interacting with them at all if possible.
Focus on what you can control yourself (which won’t be him), and focus on your own needs. If this sounds selfish, that’s okay. Your life has been revolving around them for a very long time now. This is about taking care of yourself.
If you have no choice but to stay in touch with them because you have to work out the details of your divorce or co-parenting, limit your conversations to logistics only.
Helpful tip: If they try to bait you into a fight, try saying something like, “I understand you’re feeling hurt, angry, and a lot of other strong emotions right now. I want us to decide this particular issue now.”
What drives a narcissist crazy is a lack of control and a lack of fighting.
2. Eliminate any need or expectation for them to see things your way or admit that they have hurt you.
The only way a narcissist will understand that he or she has done something wrong is when you refuse to accept it. Even then, they won’t care about hurting you, they’ll be worried about losing everything they think you have to offer.
If a narcissist apologizes, rest assured that he is only saying what he thinks will get him what he wants. You may feel like you’re treading water as they change their style from charming to snake-like to pathetic but don’t fall for any of it.
Helpful tip: Permit yourself to pause as often as necessary if you need to buy yourself time to think, but don’t swallow the bait. Repeat this phrase in your head: “It doesn’t matter if they get it. I know who they are and what matters is that I will no longer allow myself to be treated this way.”
3. Remind yourself why they are the way they are.
There is nothing you have done or could do that would justify someone treating you in an abusive way.
When you are trying to comfort yourself after experiencing unacceptable behavior from a narcissist, remind yourself that he is behaving this way because he is behaving this way, not because of anything you did or did not do. There is no guarantee that narcissists know they are hurting you, but over time some can realize it.
Helpful tip: When a narcissist lashes out at you — an abuse tactic in which he tries to make you think you’re crazy to deflect legitimate blame away from himself — remind yourself that “their mind is wired to protect itself at all costs, even the cost.” What they say about me is not true, it is what their lack of empathy and sense of entitlement needs them to believe.
4. Set clear, firm boundaries – and insist on keeping them.
In my case, my ex didn’t understand boundaries until the police showed up on his doorstep. So yes, set boundaries, whatever your boundaries are, communicate them clearly to the narcissist in writing, and keep a copy posted somewhere easy for you to access.
When (not if) the narcissist in question tries to cross your boundaries, immediately send a written warning, and outline the next steps you will take if the boundaries are crossed again. If they do it again, don’t send any warning and follow the steps I outlined.
Be careful to never suggest something that you don’t want to do. This is another key aspect of what distinguishes a person with narcissistic personality disorder from a person with narcissistic tendencies: they will deceive and deceive until their house of cards collapses.
Your strength lies in your adherence to protecting the boundaries you set and the speed of your actions, not against the narcissist, but in protecting yourself from him.
Helpful Tip: If the narcissist shows up at your home without your permission, instead of opening the door to let them in, send them an email clearly stating that they did not have your permission to be on your property, as you previously told them they should before coming, and if they do it again, they will Call the police immediately.
If they show up again without your permission, don’t open the door, and don’t email them. Call the police immediately as you said you would.
5. Remove the words “just” and “I’m sorry” from your vocabulary.
Life isn’t fair, we’re told. In the eyes of the narcissist, justice is not even a real concept. Rather, justice means getting what they want. that’s fair. Anything else is unfair and replies to you as something you did to them.
It’s not rational, so don’t even try to understand it from your perspective, instead, accept that it’s bad but it is what it is.
Not only should you stop thinking things are fair or unfair with the narcissist, but you should also stop apologizing to them. What the narcissist hears when you apologize is that you are wrong and he is perfect.
Do not apologize to the narcissist in an attempt to understand him, to agree with him, or because you think he will apologize in return. This will only backfire on you.
Helpful tip: If you find yourself wanting to argue that something in your relationship wasn’t fair or unfair, remind yourself that this concept makes no sense to them and that this is another reason why one of the fairest things you can do for yourself is to move on.
6. Accept that you will never change her.
By acceptance I don’t mean accepting the narcissist’s bad behavior, but rather that the sooner you accept that you cannot change someone with a personality disorder, the easier things will be for you and the more clearly you will be able to see what you must do. His next work.
Helpful Tip: When (again, not if) a narcissist tries to charm you, gaslight you, deceive you, guilt you, or manipulate you in any way, in your mind, thank them for reminding you of who they are, because that’s how they… It’s wired, and things will never be different no matter what you do.
If it were that easy, they would have changed long ago. They haven’t, and they won’t.
7. Resist any temptation to try to “win” them or outsmart them.
Whatever you do, don’t try to win their game or outsmart them, you will only add fuel to their fire.
The anger and pain you feel are understandable, and you must fully allow yourself to feel these feelings to eventually move past them. Stand up to the narcissist, not only do they not need or deserve any insight into your emotional world, but showing them anything they might view as either weakness or an excuse for more abusive behavior towards you will only burn you out worse. she has.
When you stand up to a narcissist, you help make them feel better about yourself.
Helpful tip: When you feel angry about how they mistreated you and want them to be hurt the way they hurt you, remind yourself that you are now free and they are stuck living with themselves forever. This in itself means you have won.
8. Move forward.
Behavior we refuse to accept, by its very nature, should be quicker to extinguish than behavior we intermittently reinforce or allow.
In other words, if you want the narcissist’s behavior to stop, you must know in advance what you will and will not accept. Then respond (or choose not to respond) the same way every time, until they get so bored of you that they prefer to move on.
Helpful tip: Every time the narcissist tries to explain to you why you need him or her back, repeat the phrase: “I understand that you see things this way. I see them differently, and I’m done.” Exactly that every time. They may feel angry, frustrated, and angry, but they will also eventually get bored and move on.
