As a psychologist, I firmly believe that it is important to recognize the narcissistic personality so that you can set realistic expectations when dealing with coworkers, friends, or family members who may have some of these traits.
In my book Emotional Freedom, I describe how to recognize a narcissist. Here are some ways: Their motto is “Me first!” Everything revolves around them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement and crave admiration and attention. A myth in their mind, the world is reflected in their image. They will corner you at a party, telling the saga of their life. Some narcissists are unlikable and blatantly selfish. Others can be charming, intelligent, and caring—that is, until their status as a teacher is threatened. When you stop stroking their ego or begging to differ, they can turn on you and become punishing. Once you recognize this pattern, a narcissist can seem as charming as a banana peel.
These people are so dangerous because they lack empathy, and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Unfortunately, their hearts either did not develop or were closed due to early psychological trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, which is an emotionally and spiritually crippling handicap. (The damage caused by narcissistic parenting is beautifully detailed in Alice Miller’s drama The Gifted Child .) It may be hard to understand, but these people have little insight into their actions and no regrets. Although they are often highly intuitive, they use their intuition primarily for self-interest and manipulation. As the Hasidic proverb warns, “There is no place for God in a person who is full of himself.”
To find out if you are dealing with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions from Emotional Freedom.
Test: Am I in a Relationship with a Narcissist?
Does this person act as if life revolves around them?
Do I have to compliment them to get their attention or approval?
Do they constantly turn the conversation to themselves?
Do they belittle my feelings or interests?
If I disagree, do they become cold or aloof?
If you answered “yes” to one or two questions, you are probably dealing with a narcissist. Answering “yes” to three or more questions indicates that the narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.
Narcissists are difficult to deal with. With these patients, the best I can do is to align with their positive aspects and focus on the behaviors they agree are not working. However, even if one wants to change, progress is limited, with little gain. My professional advice: Do not fall in love with a narcissist or imagine that he or she is capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships, you will always be somewhat emotionally alone. If you have a reluctant narcissistic spouse, be careful not to try to win the nurturing you never received from your parents; it will not happen. Also, do not expect your sensitivity to be honored. These people spoil love with all the obstacles you have to overcome to please them.
If the narcissist is emotionally draining you, use these techniques to regain your power.
Lower your expectations and plan for your needs
Keep your expectations realistic.
Enjoy their good qualities, but understand that they are emotionally limited, even if they are otherwise sophisticated. By accepting this, you won’t keep asking friends, family, or coworkers for things they can’t provide. Consider this the definition of insanity: when you repeat the same actions but expect a different response.
Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don’t fall into the trap of always trying to please the narcissist. Protect your sensitivity, too. Refrain from revealing your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.
Show how it will benefit them.
To communicate successfully with narcissists, put things in perspective. Clearly stating your needs rarely works, nor does getting angry or demanding. Instead, talk about what it means to them. Instead of telling your spouse, “I would enjoy going to a family dinner,” rephrase it as “Everyone likes you. They’ll be happy to have you there.” Or instead of telling your employer, “I’d rather work fewer nights,” say, “I can generate more revenue for your company during those hours.” Of course, it’s best not to have to deal with the tedious ego-stroking of a narcissist. But if a relationship is unavoidable, use this technique to get the desired result.
