Wondering how to deal with a narcissist?
you are not alone.
Numerous blogs and online support groups for victims of narcissists have sprung up over the years, as people have come to realize the damage narcissists have done to their lives.
All this online support for victims of narcissism can bring a sigh of relief! I am not crazy!
But you probably also want practical information.
How do I deal with that narcissist? What do I do? Can I stand up to a narcissist? Watch the video or read below to find out.
[Before you continue reading, I wanted to thank everyone for helping The Break Free Program recovery course become a bestseller. To check it out, click here. ]
How to deal with a narcissist
Dealing with narcissists is a challenge. You can’t necessarily outsmart a narcissist, as they tend to be very cunning and manipulative and used to getting their way.
However, you can use smart strategies to deal with narcissists and mitigate the damage.
- Set boundaries with the narcissist and stick to them
We often have this subconscious idea that we are being held hostage by anyone who wants to talk to us or interact with us. You can and should say no to a narcissist who is overly demanding of your time.
For example, if the narcissist is spending all of your time on the phone, just tell him you need to go. Disconnect if you need to. Don’t let them monopolize your life. In most cases, the best thing you can do is block them and not allow them to contact you on your cell phone.
- Use empathic validation if you need to confront a narcissist
“Empathy validation” is a fancy way of saying, to amplify your criticism with a compliment first. Indeed, criticism (of any person) is often accepted in the form of a sandwich – a compliment, constructive criticism, or a compliment.
This is especially important when dealing with narcissists because they view everything as an insult, even when nothing is meant.
- Avoid sharing too much information with the narcissist
The acronym “TMI” (too much information) is often said jokingly when someone discloses some personal information that may be somewhat personal. But remind yourself that “TMI” with a narcissist is anything but personal because a narcissist can and will use that against you.
For example, suppose you share with a narcissist that you were fired from a job once for entering wrong information into a computer. The narcissist is likely to bring it up again, often in a bad way, for example, every time you use a computer. Or, even worse, they’ll bring it up in front of the person you’re trying to get a job from.
Never assume that a narcissist will handle any of your struggles with care. Sharing anything with them where you’re looking for sympathy or validation will most likely cause them to disappear on you (i.e. the silent treatment).
- Don’t make the mistake of assuming narcissistic interest
Never assume a narcissist has real feelings or care. This can be one of the hardest realizations for someone kind and caring. It can be very hard to believe that another human being is so cold and calculating. We tend to go into denial of this sort of thing. But just try to dig deeper into this: Narcissists don’t care. - No drama! Let the narcissist’s games roll off your back
Narcissists are experts at games and drama. The highly gifted narcissist goes a step further – they stir up drama, then lay low, above all else, acting like they have nothing to do with it.
For example, a narcissistic mother may stir up rivalry and animosity between two sisters. She would say one thing to Sister One, then another to Sister Two. Then you, as Brother No. 3, are placed in the middle.
If you confront the mother about it, she will deny that it had anything to do with the drama, and then act so distressed that you would suggest she do such a “terrible thing.”
Try not to indulge in games like this.
- Don’t hesitate to second-guess yourself with a narcissist
You don’t need to justify yourself to the narcissist. But this is the game they will play with you. It is all about making you doubt yourself and your perceptions.
What narcissists usually engage in is a subtle psychological technique called “gaslighting.”
On a very simple level, it goes like this:
The narcissist is doing something selfish, and you confront him with it. Then the narcissist twists this event to make it look like you are the egoist.
Narcissists are experts at reframing reality in a way that makes them look good and you look bad.
While it can be infuriating and confusing, don’t fall for it. Stick your weapon.
- Remember: With a narcissist, it’s not personal and never has been
With a narcissist, you are just a pawn in the game of life for them. And if it wasn’t you who took the abuse, someone else would. While this may feel like a cold relief, try to remember that you did nothing wrong. There is nothing inherently wrong or bad about you if you are the victim of a narcissist’s abuse. - Do a reality check after the narcissist spins a story
Narcissists are usually liars, and not only that, they are usually good liars. Part of the reason for this is that they don’t feel guilt the way other people do.
So, when a narcissist tells you something (especially about someone else) that is deeply upsetting, take a deep breath. It may not be true at all!
Validate the statement before getting sucked into the drama (remember our story about the narcissistic mother).
- Don’t try to make the narcissist one
One of the worst things you can do with a narcissist is try to beat them at their own game. Don’t brag about a narcissist. Don’t brag, brag, or otherwise try to make yourself look good to the narcissist.
Narcissists are the kings and queens of self-aggrandizement. If you try to compete with them on this level, you may end up feeling like a loser.
Now, this does not mean that you have to act like a withered flower and run around when the narcissist shows up. Work to have healthy self-esteem and try to be as normal as possible.
- Stay away from the narcissist
While this may not be possible in the short term, if you can, consider separating yourself from the narcissist as much as possible.
If you are still married to a narcissist and have children, consider the long-term effects of emotional abuse on children. It might be best to leave.
Get as much time away from them as possible so you can focus on yourself and get back to reality.
- Ignoring the Narcissist – This will get ‘Em
Narcissists thrive on provoking people’s reactions. This is how they gain power over you – while you lose control.
Therefore, when a narcissist attacks, one of the most effective ways to deal with it is to ignore them. This can be difficult because narcissists have an intuitive way of pushing buttons on people. Deep breathing and stress reduction techniques can help you stay calm.
Keep calm around a narcissist
You may have noticed a thread with recommendations for dealing with a narcissist. This topic, in a nutshell, is:
Keep calm.
Sometimes, the best way to stand up to a narcissist is to stay calm.
In general, you will do the best you can if you can reduce your emotional reactions to the narcissist in question.
However, this can be very difficult to do, as the variegated narcissist is usually an expert at pushing buttons. They seem to have a superpower that allows them to know what will trigger a reaction in the people around them.
To keep your cool, you will need to work on yourself.
There are many different ways to do this, including asking for help from a therapist or following self-help strategies.
Mind/body techniques such as meditation and yoga can be very helpful in reducing the temptation to respond to the narcissist’s antics.
You might also consider joining a support group, where you can empathize with other narcissist victims. This is especially useful if you are dealing with a narcissist who is a gaslighter, i.e. making you believe that you are the one responsible for everything, when in fact he is.
The narcissist in your life doesn’t have to know you
Fortunately, the more you practice “not interacting” with the narcissist in question, the better you’ll get at it.
Soon, you will learn how to deal with a narcissist without that person controlling your life. The path will not always be easy, and you will have moments where you get carried away and lose your temper.
