To deal with a narcissist, you need a combat strategy. This means knowing the terrain, making the necessary preparations, training, and using the field to your advantage. The strategy includes four levels:
- Understanding the narcissist’s game
Much of the personal development for healing narcissistic abuse transcends the mind, especially when you are dealing with trauma and toxic shame. In such cases, the mind usually gets in the way of progress and keeps you stuck in the same pattern. However, working with the mind and reprogramming can also be beneficial. This outside-in approach can help you deal with a narcissist. The narcissist gains power over you by infiltrating your mind and changing the way you perceive reality. They make shameful comments so ask yourself. They act so shamelessly that you see they are perfect and you can’t attach anything to them. They make fun of you until your self-esteem drops. With a constant barrage, you finally believe that they are high status, that you are beneath them in every possible way. To change this field of distorted reality, you need to see it for what it is: a detailed view. The feelings you feel are real, the concepts that drive them are not. When the narcissist speaks, you can begin to dissect the game. Pay attention to what they say, then pay attention to how you feel. As you do, you only need to consider some kind of sweeping vision. Connect with the observer within you, who is activated when you practice mindfulness. Write down what the narcissist says next, and share those words with a friend/therapist. Really get the analysis. What is the purpose of the words? Do they mean to support the relationship, or do they have a darker goal? How much truth do words hold? Is this fact subjective? How would a loving and supportive person handle the same situation? stay at it. Most importantly, separate what is said and what is felt. Work on the level of feelings on your own time, but also stay within the realm of concepts. After a while, you will pick up the pattern. They say something, you get emotionally triggered, you respond predictably and you dive deeper into the bullshit show. By being painfully aware of the first element of this game (what is said and hinted), you can shorten the whole process. Do it right, and contempt will build up inside of you. To drive the point home, consider a straightforward sports game. The crowd is elated, the tension is high, emotions are running high, and the game could go anywhere. Now take those same people out, and have them watch a replay of the game where they already know the score. Will you be invested? You begin to deal with a narcissist by dissecting and disengaging their game. As the insanity of it all reveals itself to you, you’ll feel like you’re watching a sick game reboot. Contempt builds up, and it won’t matter how long the narcissist stays in your face. You will be staring at someone who is already “dead to you”. - Deal with a narcissist using serious tricks
The narcissistic abuse process always begins with the mind. The narcissist aims to infiltrate your thoughts, turn your perspective upside down, and then reprogram you from within. When you have to deal with a narcissist, the fight always starts here. Fortunately, you have several deflection tools at your disposal. Basically, anything that redirects or disconnects energy from the narcissist’s attempts to gain a narcissistic supply will help. The key is not to participate and thus enable the game. The following tricks should come in handy:
Change the subject: The narcissist plays the victim, judges you, makes fun of you, grabs your attention via a series of mind-boggling but empty concepts, or directs the focus on you and your “desperation.” Halfway through the narcissist’s monologue or rant, just change the subject to something completely mundane. Do it shamelessly and without warning. the weather. What color shirt would look best, black or green? When do the shops close? What was the score last night of the match? The key here is to depersonalize the conversation, shorten the narcissist-charged topic and bring your engagement back to the surface. The narcissist will feel the switch, but will likely not say anything about what you did because that would disrupt the “game” you both are playing.
Questioning: If the narcissist is making fun of your workout routine, how you tidy your room, or the book you’re reading, stay calm and ask them exactly what they mean. Ask them how they would do things or what they would choose, and exactly why that would be better. Ask them why that is better than your choice, and finally, ask them what fact their point of view is based on. Do others agree? If so, who exactly? Have any studies been done on choosing the best book to read, or what exercise routine to do? What are the criteria for this study? Is it possible, perhaps, that different people require different solutions, and that such solutions may not be so obvious until you are in someone else’s shoes? The possibilities for such a line of questions are endless, but the effect is powerful: You’ll either get the wind out of the narcissist’s game, or you’ll force them into a dead end. If you stay completely calm, they will find it hard to get angry because it seems like they are crazy and not you.
Keeping the Line: When the narcissist says it’s entirely your fault, tells you a deeply tragic story to gain your pity, or makes a veiled or explicit threat to end the relationship, make room for that. Pay attention to the narcissist’s facial expressions, look into their eyes, and keep silent and attentive attention to their bizarre creations. Study it like a scientist, see how it sits between you, how it penetrates you, and let it stay there for a moment. Be mindful and understanding, and if you feel overwhelmed, breathe deeply and focus on a specific feature of the narcissist’s face. Fix yourself in the moment, and no matter how awkward things feel, keep the streak. This technique is powerful in dealing with a narcissist because it places the onus on the narcissist to carry the emotional weight of the exchange, not you. As a result, the mirror is slowly pointed at the narcissist, and their attempt fails. They might even blurt out something like, “I talk a lot,” or “Maybe it’s not that bad,” or, “You’re such a weirdo, you know that?” And go.
The narcissist is a master of creating form, i.e. psychological and emotional form and using it to manipulate others. The “trick” to dealing with a narcissist is to see this form for what it is and to find creative ways to expose and illuminate it. The narcissist is playing a game, your job is to either completely disengage or change the rules of the game in real-time. Just tread carefully to avoid narcissistic angry reactions.
- Deal with the narcissist’s persistent shame
No one consciously chooses to participate in narcissistic abuse. Don’t take root slowly unless you are unaware of what is going on. Before the overt abuse subsides, the shame imbalance is the main warning sign you should feel. Overt cues are well documented, in the DSM-5 and countless articles, so this is the place to start knowing what to look for in their behavior. Often difficult to recognize, or rather feel, is the underlying dynamic that occurs when you first begin to interact with a narcissist. A snide remark, a casual compliment, a laugh, a “note” about you that makes you question yourself and re-evaluate your decision-making process. These are all small nudges that make you more and more shy. This is how narcissistic abuse begins. never admitting mistakes, blaming the scapegoat for what goes wrong, and amplifying themselves through the story; This is how the narcissist creates an aura of “superiority.” This apparent “superiority” is just plain rude. It creates the illusion that the narcissist is a higher being. So, by being constantly rude while shaming you in the process, all without your awareness, they gradually dampen you down and make you psychologically pliable enough to control and manipulate. You’ll know you’re feeling shame when you start to feel the weight in your mind when your situation falls apart when you start questioning yourself, when you’ve been in a loose position all the time and need to ‘redeem’ yourself, and when your mind goes blank. To deal with a narcissist, watch for this pattern and practice sensing it when it starts. It could come from anywhere, a mutual friend at a party, a colleague or boss at work, or a potential romantic partner. If this pattern continues without your awareness, narcissistic abuse will occur. Only by grabbing it and disengaging it can you protect yourself. An excellent analogy is a frog swimming happily in a pot of slowly boiling water. By the time the frog knows what’s going on, it’s too late. It’s the same in a narcissistic relationship. At first, you are in the charm phase, and when you make yourself vulnerable, you become attached to the narcissist. When the attacks on your personality and psyche begin, they are subtle. Then the honeymoon period ends, and the narcissist must escalate his attack on your sanity because without your rose-tinted glasses, it will be difficult to manipulate and control. By shaming you more and more through the flow of the relationship, they are effectively “adding up the tension.” Shame weighs you down, makes you question yourself, and dampens your willpower and sense of pride. You lose sight of your potential. The hotter the water, so to speak, the less you’ll be able to act against your elbow and pull away. So how do you know you are dealing with a narcissist? Check the water temperature. Do you constantly ask yourself? Did you recede? Do you always feel heavy, like a dark cloud descending on your mind? Do you feel isolated and hopeless? Has your life shifted from a dynamic dance to an oppressive one-person ritual? Do you feel you have no agency in the relationship? Do you feel like you are walking through a desert (inner void), desperately hoping that water (i.e. love) will appear over the next hill, only it never does? Then it is very likely that you are dealing with a narcissist.
