If you find yourself dealing with a manipulative and aggressive mother-in-law, you are likely dealing with a covert narcissist. Here’s how to know and how to set boundaries.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder associated with a lack of empathy, an excessive sense of entitlement, envy, and exploitation of others.
Two distinct subtypes of narcissistic traits have been identified, grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. According to researchers, the term covert narcissism is another way of describing “vulnerable narcissism.” Vulnerable narcissism is associated with greater anxiety, lower self-esteem, hypersensitivity, and fear.
Vulnerable narcissism is different from overt narcissism. Grandiose narcissism, or overt narcissism, is associated with higher levels of confidence, self-aggrandizement, higher self-esteem, and the pursuit of success.
However, according to a meta-analysis of 437 independent studies, both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are associated with aggression. Vulnerable narcissism has also been linked to narcissistic rage, according to a 2015 study.
Aside from romantic partnerships, people may encounter these traits in their friends, family, and in-laws. If you are dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law with covert narcissistic traits, you may have noticed aggressive and manipulative behavior that has hurt you and your family.
How to identify a hidden narcissist
Identifying a covert narcissist can be difficult if you don’t know the signs. You may find yourself doubting your reality or excusing their behaviors, especially if they are hiding their true motives and intentions.
It may be more difficult to identify a vulnerable covert narcissist who appears shy, introverted, and more pious while engaging in aggressive behaviors than an arrogant narcissist who is more vocal about his or her sense of superiority.
If you find yourself dealing with a secret narcissistic mother-in-law, you may notice the following behaviors:
Makes subtle criticisms and criticism
Covert narcissistic mothers-in-law, and covert narcissists in general, may be less vocal about their excessive sense of entitlement. Instead, they tend to prefer to plant seeds of self-doubt to escape accountability and control over your life decisions.
They may do this by sneaking in indirect comments that subtly judge or shame you for your decisions — whether that’s your parenting style, how to be a “proper” and “obedient” husband, your fashion choices, your choice of career, or your life. -Balance in work or appearance.
For example, your narcissistic mother-in-law may comment passive-aggressively on your decision to return to work “too soon” long after having children. You may disguise this comment as “concern” for your children’s well-being, even if you have already made clear that you have arranged adequate childcare.
However, their overly critical input does not tend to be limited to a one-time remark. Instead, narcissistic mothers-in-law often engage in constant over-criticism and unnecessary trolling, even if you make attempts at compromise.
These passive-aggressive remarks are repetitive, damaging, and rely on moving the goalposts so that your mother-in-law can act out when she’s not happy with you. Once you’ve solved an obvious problem by agreeing to your narcissistic mother-in-law’s request, you’ll likely find another problem to raise.
For some narcissistic mothers-in-law, their real motive is to have you frantically running in circles trying to please them so that you have less time to meet your own needs or focus on your family life.
This also provides them with an ego boost, as they can appear calm and in control while you appear exhausted and exhausted. This gives them the upper hand in “proving” that you are an unsuitable husband for their son or daughter.
Plays the victim
Instead of being honest and direct about their opinions, narcissistic mothers-in-law will disguise their criticisms as (anonymous) compliments or as a way to “help you.”
Narcissistic mothers-in-law tend to play the victim when you criticize their inappropriate behavior or remarks. They may even pretend to be mentally or physically exhausted by your “accusations.”
They may feel shocked, sad and appalled when you defend yourself in response to these remarks, drawing pity not only from you, but from the whole family.
As a result, you may find yourself feeling degraded, confused, and disoriented all at the same time.
You may try to empathize with them and meet their needs while losing your own or feel like a scapegoat when other family members seem to support them.
He blames you for everything
Just as narcissistic parents pit their children against each other, narcissistic mothers-in-law seek to control family dynamics in an attempt to pit you and your spouse against each other.
They may idealize their son or daughter as someone who “can do no wrong,” while scapegoating you as the source of all marital problems.
They may also try to use your children as a weapon against you or use other family members as “flying monkeys” to find out more information about you to use against you.
To interfere in your relationship with their son or daughter, they may blame you for any problems in your marriage, difficulties in raising children, or shift full responsibility for housework, child-rearing and the stability of your marriage onto you.
Shows envious behaviors
Research conducted in 2022 suggests a strong link between covert narcissism and malicious envy. Some narcissistic mothers-in-law may view you as a “competition” for their son or daughter’s attention.
This sense of narcissistic envy and rivalry can cause them to lash out at you, however passive-aggressively, in an attempt to sabotage your relationship so that their son or daughter’s attention is centered fully on them.
How to establish a relationship with a father-in-law who has narcissistic behaviors
If you want to maintain any type of relationship with a stepparent who displays narcissistic behaviors, it is important to enforce healthy boundaries.
Limit the information you give them
Since a narcissistic mother-in-law is unlikely to listen to direct feedback or advice without lashing out with narcissistic rage or covert attempts at sabotage, it is important to be more discreet in dealing with her.
This means that there are times when you may give them the illusion of control without actually handing over any control. Consider limiting contact with your mother-in-law before making decisions about your marriage or raising your children in advance. This will give them less time to argue, sabotage, shame, or feel guilty for choosing otherwise.
Confronting them directly or trying to hold them accountable may simply result in them playing pity tricks that make others sympathize with them and cause others to view you as “the problem” or a “troublemaker” for speaking up.
While you can remain assertive, choose your battles carefully and act on what serves you and your family best without trying to justify it to your mother-in-law or compromise with her.
No matter what they tell you, make important decisions based solely on what you and your spouse feel is ultimately best, regardless of any fear, obligation, or pressure that may come from your mother-in-law’s guilt.
Remember: you are married to your wife, not your mother-in-law. Although you may still want your mother-in-law to be a part of your life in some capacity, you do not owe her a voice in every decision.
Be united with your wife
Think of your marriage as a “closed circuit” and treat it as such. Communicate with Your Partner Although you appreciate your mother-in-law’s contribution and presence, a certain level of privacy is needed, as is a strong united front on decisions regarding parenting, career, finances, and other matters of concern.
Instead of letting you stand alone and defend yourself, let your partner know that you need them to step up and defend shared decisions when necessary.
Focus on self-care and your family life.
Instead of trying to please your narcissistic mother-in-law or giving in to her attention-seeking tendencies, refocus your energy on yourself, your self-care, and your family life. This will allow you to defend yourself against any attempts to sabotage your marriage or relationships with your children.
Limit your time with your narcissistic in-laws and limit the time you spend on holidays and family events. Limit “phone time” and home visits as per your convenience. Increase date nights with your spouse, family nights in if you have kids, and family vacations with your spouse and kids instead.
This will allow you and your family more time and energy to communicate and build your relationships on your own terms, without the constant interference of your mother-in-law.
Address negative-aggressive comments
Although you can still choose your battles carefully, sometimes it can be important to highlight what the narcissistic mother-in-law is really saying rather than allowing her to mask these comments as helpful.
For example, if they make a passive-aggressive comment pointing out that your children struggle when they spend too much time at daycare or how the nights spent with your spouse take up too much time from your children, you can address the passive-aggression.
You can say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you’d rather spend more time with you.”
Sometimes, such a “translation” can cut through the passive aggressiveness and force your narcissistic mother-in-law to share her true thoughts and feelings without hiding them under “selfless” reasons or make her hold back from criticizing you, especially if it happens in front of other family members.
However, it is important to determine when to highlight passive aggression and when to refocus your energy on self-care and your relationships with your spouse and children.
Other times, it may be best to keep these interpretations of their behavior to yourself and recognize when your narcissistic mother-in-law is acting out of envy, jealousy, and a need for control, so as not to internalize her excessive criticism or malicious expectations.
