Do you have a toxic family, with whom you are alienated and involved in a very unhealthy and toxic relationship, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get it right?
“Letting go does not mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.” ~ Unknown
You two are family. You probably grew up with them and have been by their side for a good portion of their lives. There was a lot of laughter, crying, and sharing. Some fighting too.
You know how their brain works probably better than anyone else. But sometimes, in adulthood, those close to you can become unrecognizable — alienated, cold, and indifferent. For no apparent reason, you find yourself cut out of their lives. People who feel at peace are increasingly rejected. You were left out in the cold.
There is always a reason why people act the way they do. But, sometimes the shift is so gradual that it creeps up on you, and one day, you wake up and wonder, “How did this happen?”
You want them back. So you start to question and blame yourself. Is it time you chose to go to the party instead of keeping her company? Was it when I used his stuff without asking? What did I do to deserve that? What can I do to improve it?
While it is good to ask yourself such questions, sometimes the lesson you are meant to learn is to let go of the memory of who they were and accept who they have become.
This is based on my relationship with my sister. We have always been close, and as I got older, I looked up to her as my role model. I was shy, nerdy, and fast. She was beautiful, popular, and good at sports.
But after she went to college and, four years later, followed suit on another continent, our lives didn’t intersect. When we met, we were talking about a lot of things. I grew embittered in my post-high school years, as I got older, I became assertive, and I was impulsively exploring the world. However, despite our differences, I believed that we would always be by each other’s side.
Then I married a man who did not agree with me or our parents. They began to live in a strange emotional sufficiency.
She became very cold, defensive, and resentful towards our family and began cutting me out of her life. She tried to communicate and mend the relationship, but she refused to open up. She was always proud that way.
One day when I told her that I loved her and wished we could be close as before, she replied, “That was a long time ago.”
Over the past few years, the relationship has deteriorated. I struggled with the hurt of “losing” my sister, as well as feelings of self-blame as I struggled to find a reason to change her. I rack my brain at memories of what I could have done wrong, but my mind paints a blank.
After that, I decided I didn’t want to think about feeling hurt anymore. I didn’t want to keep pining and trying to rekindle the brotherhood we once had.
I’ve come to realize that my sister isn’t the person I once knew, and I have to accept that, learn to let go and move on. This is how I decided to make certain decisions for my own happiness and mental health.
I hope this advice helps those who may be facing a toxic and detached relationship with a family member they were once close to.
here
- Identify ways in which the relationship may be toxic and how it makes you feel.
A toxic relationship can manifest itself in many ways. Perhaps your relative constantly puts you down, lacks empathy, acts passive-aggressive, or ignores you when you speak.
Once you’ve identified a person’s behavior patterns, be aware of how this affects your mood, body language, energy levels, self-esteem, and peace of mind. Knowing how to recognize toxicity and its effects is the first step to understanding your feelings and empowering yourself to deal with the situation.
- Accept that you may never find the root cause of your relative’s behavior.
People have been practicing therapy for years – there is never a simple answer. You may be able to talk to your relative to find out why they are behaving a certain way. You may not. Sometimes the reason a person treats you badly may not have anything to do with what you did, but may just be the way they deal with and respond to their own life experiences. Hardships may harden someone and make them feel bitter.
In any case, try to reframe toxicity by understanding that it tends to come from a place of unhappiness or discontent. People’s hurtful actions will become less harmful to you when you realize that they reflect their inner state rather than yours.
Related: When Love Becomes A Prison: 6 Signs Of Obsessive Love
- Do not normalize toxicity.
If you have done nothing wrong, do not forget that it is not normal for anyone to remain negative, reckless, and hurtful toward you. It’s very easy to lose perspective on what’s right and wrong, especially when you’re constantly justifying someone’s behavior with stories of past trauma or hardship.
People tend to make concessions to difficult and estranged loved ones because they want to forgive and forget, avoid conflict, or don’t want to push the person away. Empathy is good, but it cannot be used to keep making excuses for bad behavior. Sometimes you need to set boundaries and say, “Enough!” before this behavior becomes the new normal.
- Don’t expect anything from your separated relative.
Yes, you might expect your family to have your back because you would do the same, but don’t count on it with a distant relative with whom you’re struggling to maintain the relationship.
I was taught not to be dependent or expect any help from my sister, even though I grew up believing that’s what siblings should do for each other.
- Realize that it takes two people to fix a relationship.
As hard as you try, if the other person isn’t ready or unwilling, you may not get very far. The relationship will remain toxic as long as the person is unable to change.
You can’t blame yourself for that. You did your best.
- Decide how much space you want to give them in your life.
You will likely meet your relative again at family gatherings, or you may need to communicate with him or her about family matters. In this case, reduce the amount of time you spend in their presence and keep communication to a minimum.
However, sometimes you may need to cut them out of your life completely, either permanently or temporarily. Keeping an open space for them and making a constant effort to reach them is emotionally exhausting.
Once you think you’ve tried enough and done your best, don’t feel guilty about drawing boundaries and deciding if it’s enough.
Related: 6 Surprising Benefits Of Surviving A Difficult Childhood
- Don’t hush things up.
Communicate your feelings to people you trust. If the person knows your relative, you may know that they also share the same feelings of hurt and disappointment in dealing with them.
Talking about your feelings is therapy and helps you gain perspective on the situation.
In my case, my parents also have a toxic relationship with my brother, and I found that letting them talk about it and encouraging them not to hold things back was a great release for them.
- Refrain from gossiping frequently about your relative, especially to a wide circle of people.
There’s a difference between sharing your feelings with people you trust and constantly focusing all conversations on that person and what they did or said. You run the risk of getting used to talking badly with someone, and the conversation often continues to spin in circles. Also, negative talk can come back to your relative’s ears and feed the cycle of negativity and alienation.
Instead, reduce the mental and emotional energy that is spent thinking about your relative, and focus on the positive aspects of your life and the lives of your loved ones.
- Don’t give your neighbor a chance to blame you.
People like my sister are often extreme narcissists who blame everyone but themselves. It is important not to give him ammunition in this blame game.
If he’s always late, rude, never tidy, or uses your stuff, resist the temptation to do the same in return. Do the right thing and he won’t be able to blame you for anything.
- Accept that you may not be able to have a frank heart-to-heart conversation.
My sister lives her life displaying a personality that is devoid of vulnerability or vulnerability. If you are facing someone who is emotionally inaccessible and overly proud, you may have to accept the fact that you may never experience the healing moment of truth you crave.
- Shift your focus.
Don’t dwell on the pain and hurt of “losing” a loved one. Don’t focus on trying to deal with the toxic relationships in your life. Build on your positivity instead.
Accept the cards that life has dealt you and make use of them. Live your life and cultivate your soul.
Be content and grateful for what you have and who you are, this is more than enough to fill the heart with happiness!
