“Tell me exactly how to respond,” my client pleaded. She pulled her chair closer to mine, asked for a piece of paper, and scribbled notes as I spoke. Although I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks, catching up wasn’t on her agenda. She needed immediate direction.
Two people with strong narcissistic tendencies were orbiting her planet and there was no escape. One was a family member and the other a coworker. At work, she was being harshly ordered to do completely inappropriate things. The coworker’s overarching attitude seemed to be, “I’m right. You’re wrong, and you’ll do what I say without question.” A similar attitude seemed to exist with the family member as well.
My client explained that she politely confronted her coworker, trying to share her feelings. However, her point of view fell on “deaf ears,” which only added to the tension. “Please tell me exactly what to say, Erin. “I dread going to work when I know this person is around.”
“There are three basic rules when dealing with someone with strong narcissistic tendencies,” she explained. “The first is to avoid showing emotions.” Typically, my client is someone who is able to communicate their feelings appropriately in most relationships, thus resolving conflicts and misunderstandings with ease. However, when dealing with someone with toxic tendencies, explaining their feelings makes things worse. Instead of understanding an alternative perspective, the narcissist distorts information about the person’s feelings and uses it against the person, claiming that they are “irrational, overly sensitive, or overly emotional.”
1) Don’t reveal anything personal, including feelings, when dealing with a narcissist. They will distort this information and use it against you in the future.
“Erin, I feel so confused about this person. I have a hard time holding back my anger. “What do I do?” I asked.
“Yes,” I sympathized. “I explained that a person with personality issues gets their strength and power from being able to make someone else feel anxious and agitated. Whatever you do, don’t appear flustered or emotional when the other person tries to make you angry.”
The narcissist’s primary goal is to provoke emotions through indirect comments, overly critical statements, or orders and demands, rather than communicating respectfully. Don’t take the bait. While it’s impossible to avoid feeling emotional in this situation, don’t show it. Act indifferent and unaffected. Fake it until you make it.
Two things are likely to happen when a toxic individual can’t arouse their target. They will either up the ante or give up because they can’t “get” the person. If they up the ante, they will likely cross the line. Catching this and calmly conveying it to a superior is essential.
2) Act indifferent and unaffected when dealing with a narcissist.
“That’s all well and good, Erin, and it makes sense, but what do I say to them in this moment?”
It’s essential to appear unemotional and make a general statement about their behavior. Don’t reference a personal experience with them because it becomes one person’s word against another. Instead, reflect their negative behavior in general. Say something like, “It seems like you’re communicating unprofessionally.” Or “There are things in storage. Please check them.” Or “This conversation has become inappropriate. We’ll have to talk about this later.” Or “If you don’t have anything nice to say, please don’t say anything at all.”
3) Firm, unemotional, and general reflections on the narcissist’s lack of professionalism or bad behavior are effective. Again, if this triggers the narcissist, great. Anger usually gets people fired or gets them into trouble.
Remember, a person who is tactful, sensitive, and conscientious is usually the healthy person in the relationship. A person who feels entitled to treat another person disrespectfully because they feel entitled to do so, for some reason, is usually emotionally unhealthy. Stay calm, be impersonal, and generally mirror the narcissist’s bad behavior. Overpower and outmaneuver the narcissist.
