“Tell me exactly how to respond,” my client pleaded. She moved her chair closer to mine, asked for a piece of paper, and diligently scribbled notes while I spoke. Even though I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks, catching up wasn’t on her agenda. She needed immediate guidance.
There were two people with strong narcissistic tendencies orbiting her planet and there was no escape. One was a family member and the other was a co-worker. At work, I was rudely told to do things that were completely inappropriate. The prevailing attitude of the co-worker seems to be: “I’m right. You’re wrong, and you’ll do what I say without question.” There seems to be a similar situation with a family member as well.
My client explained that she politely confronted her co-worker and tried to share her feelings. However, her point of view fell on “deaf ears”, exacerbating tensions. “Please tell me exactly what to say, Eren. I’m afraid to go to work when I know this person is around.”
“There are three basic rules when dealing with an individual with strong narcissistic tendencies,” she explained. “The first is to avoid showing emotions.” My client is usually someone who is able to appropriately communicate how she feels in most of her relationships, thus resolving conflicts and miscommunication with ease, however, when a person is dealing with someone with toxic tendencies, explaining how they feel makes things worse. To understand an alternative perspective, the narcissist distorts information about a person’s feelings and uses that against the person, claiming that they are “irrational, overly sensitive, or overly emotional.”
1) Do not reveal anything personal, including feelings, when dealing with a narcissist. They will distort this information and use it against you in the future.
“Eren, I feel so confused around this person. I’m having a hard time keeping my anger in check. What should I do?” she asked.
Related : How Narcissists Deal with Rejection
“Yes,” she sympathized. “A person with interpersonal problems is strengthened and empowered when they are able to make another feel concerned and emotional,” she explained. “Whatever you do, don’t look flustered or emotional when the person tries to push your buttons.”
The narcissist’s primary goal is to inflame emotions by making adverse comments, highly critical statements, or orders and demands, rather than communicating respectfully. Don’t take the bait. Although it is impossible to avoid feeling emotion in this situation, do not show it. They appear indifferent and unaffected. Fake it til you make it.
Two things are likely to happen when a toxic person is unable to uplift the person they are targeting. They either up the ante or withdraw because they are unable to “reach” the person. If they raise the bet, they will likely go overboard. Capturing this and presenting it calmly to the boss is essential.
2) Appearing indifferent and unemotional when dealing with a narcissistic person.
“That’s all well and good, Eren, and it makes sense, but what do I tell them at this moment?”
It is necessary to appear unemotional and make a general statement about their behavior. It is not due to personal experience with them because it becomes the word of one person against another. Instead, it generally reflects their negative behavior. Say something like: “You seem to be communicating unprofessionally.” Or “There are items in stock. Please go check.” Or “This conversation is getting inappropriate. We’ll have to talk about this later.” Or “If you don’t have anything nice to say, please don’t say anything at all.”
3) Firm, unemotional, and general thoughts about the narcissist’s lack of professionalism or bad behavior are effective. Again, if this makes the narcissist angry, great. Anger usually gets people fired or into trouble.
Remember, a person who is tactful, sensitive, and conscientious is usually the healthy person in a relationship. A person who feels entitled to treat another person disrespectfully because they feel it is their right, for some reason, is usually emotionally unhealthy. Be calm, be impersonal, and generally mirror the narcissist’s bad behavior. Eliminate the power of narcissists and transcend them.
