Assertiveness is the dividing line between passivity and aggression. When you’re assertive, you express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly, while respecting others. Imagine it as if you’re standing on solid ground, never assaulting anyone.

Narcissists often target passive people. But even if you weren’t passive before, you may become one after the narcissist has dumped you.

Narcissists wear us down over time, constantly testing our boundaries. They use mind games and manipulation to achieve their goals.

After a while, the once confident and assertive person may become a carbon copy of their former self. But you can regain that confidence. And you can learn to be assertive, if you weren’t before.

Assertiveness boosts your self-confidence, reduces stress, and improves your relationships. When you communicate assertively, others are more likely to understand your point of view and respect your boundaries. You’ll feel better about yourself.

Here are some practical tips to improve your self-confidence…

Know Your Rights

To be assertive, it’s important to clearly know your rights. What you should expect from others. Because when you do, you’ll be clear about your convictions. And you won’t be surprised when someone unexpectedly crosses a line. Here are some of the rights you should expect…

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You have the right to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs. You can’t be expected to agree with anyone all the time. Anyone who tries to stop you doesn’t have your best interests at heart. They clearly don’t care about your opinions or perspectives. What kind of relationship is that?

You have the right to choose who is in your life. Even your family. So, if someone is negatively affecting you, you have the right to remove them. Because it’s your life, and you choose who is in it.

You have the right to refuse what is asked of you. If you didn’t have this right, you’d be a slave. Fortunately, slavery was abolished years ago!

It can be helpful to write down the rights you expect from others. Then you’ll have clear evidence if someone tries to violate them.

Practice Saying No

If you’re having trouble saying “no,” practice helps. Start small and build up. Refuse a small request, then go from there. It gets easier and more comfortable the more you repeat it.

If you want, you can role-play with a trusted friend and practice scenarios where you say “no.” You can even do this alone if you like.

Remind yourself that you have the right to say “no.” Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person. Saying “no” doesn’t mean rejecting the person, but rather rejecting the request. This is an important distinction, because narcissists often try to make you feel guilty, as if you’re rejecting them. So, understand that you’re not.

If someone disagrees with you after you reject them, they’ve done you a favor. They’re not a real friend. They’re an opportunist who wants to control you. A real friend will want to reject you, even if it’s something you don’t want to do.

Use Is tatements

Phrase your thoughts and feelings in “I” statements. For example, say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by all this work” instead of, “You always give me too much work.”

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This gets your message across without sounding accusatory, makes you feel more comfortable saying it, and is less likely to spark conflict.

Other “I” statements include, “I disagree” instead of, “You’re wrong,” and, “I want your help” instead of, “You need to do this.”

Maintain Eye Contact

It’s important to maintain eye contact when speaking assertively. It shows the other person that you’re serious, and it shows you’re serious too!

Good eye contact makes you feel more confident. It shows you’re not hiding. So, psychologically, you don’t feel like prey.

Practice this in non-confrontational situations. Get comfortable making good eye contact. Then, it will feel more natural when you need it.

Use Open Body Language

Open body language encourages others to take you seriously. It also boosts your self-confidence. Because if you’re looking down and twiddling your thumbs, you’re not sending a good message to yourself. This is something most people, especially narcissists, will notice.

Lift your chin slightly, puff out your chest, and keep your body open, rather than crossed and defensive.

It may help to film yourself during interactions to see how your body language appears to others. You may have bad habits that you’re not aware of.

Take Deep Slow Breathes

If you’re ever feeling nervous, take a few slow, deep breaths before you speak. This calms you down instantly and helps clear your mind.

Narcissists are adept at finding weaknesses. If they see you tense, they may insist on attacking you aggressively, hoping you’ll crack under the pressure. But if they see you calm and confident, they’re more likely to give in.

Use A Role Model

Some people find it helpful to have a role model. Someone they admire, someone who is assertive.

This could be someone you know personally, or even a celebrity. Pretend you’re like them, and think about how they would handle the situation.

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This can be very effective in accelerating your process toward an assertive state of mind. After a while, you won’t need this role model because it’ll become part of your personality.

Final Thoughts

Improving your self-confidence is a journey, not a destination. Practice these skills and be kind to yourself along the way. Remember, everyone has moments of doubt, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to express your opinion, take a slow, deep breath, remind yourself of these tips, and go for it. The more you repeat them, the better you’ll get.

Soon, you’ll find that people respond positively to your self-confidence and treat you noticeably better. Plus, you’ll feel more confident and empowered. You won’t always reach perfection, but you will improve over time.

Narcissists erode our self-confidence and self-esteem. But you can regain it, especially after they’re gone. Keep practicing and growing—the world is in your hands!