There’s an old saying that goes, “Breaking up is hard.” Well, not only is it hard to do, it’s hard to deal with the emotional consequences and complications that creep in when we’re in such a vulnerable state.
Breakups are also hard because they’re as unique as the relationships that spawn them. Advising on breakups can be complicated because breakups depend on the context. For example, I would never advise anyone to break up with someone via text. But at the same time, I’ve used text messages when someone was mad at me and I thought it was appropriate.
So there are no simple answers here.
The key to a graceful breakup and a healthy recovery depends on a variety of factors. Are you the one who got dumped or the one who got dumped? Did you break up over a single issue or did the chemistry and excitement just die down? Were things emotionally turbulent for a long time or did things just “implode” suddenly?
Then there are the more enduring questions: Do you want to stay in touch with your ex? How do you get over missing him? What if he wants you back? What if Steve is more of a friend to you than a boyfriend even though she thinks he loves her more but he loves you more?
These are all good questions. And they deserve answers. So I’m going to do my best. We’ll get into guidelines on how to deal with a breakup gracefully, but first, consider whether or not breaking up is the right thing to do at this time.
ShouldYouBreakUpOrWorkItOut?
Sometimes it’s easy to know when to let go of someone. If you’re being treated poorly, constantly ignored, cheated on, or any other combination of toxic relationships, you need to walk away. Skip this section and go straight to the steps below. Now.
But often, breaking up isn’t a clear-cut decision. Maybe things aren’t going well. Maybe the arguments don’t seem to be going anywhere. Maybe you’ve had some compatibility issues that aren’t terrible, but you’re just not sure you can live with them. I get that.
If that’s the case, it’s worth digging a little deeper to figure out what’s going on here. Because in intimate relationships, any problems we have are rarely what they seem on the surface. That is, it’s never about “how connected we are.”
I’ve written more in detail about deciding whether or not to break up in the first place:
