I’ve written about how to deal with emotionally unavailable partners and friends, but what happens when you’re the emotionally unavailable one? Is there a way to become more emotionally available?

I’m often asked by readers and clients, “How can I find an emotionally available partner? I can never get anyone I date to open up to me.”

No one can reverse unavailability except the person who’s experiencing it. Becoming emotionally available doesn’t depend on your partner being “better” or trying hard to break your impossible code.

An unavailable person must have a genuine desire to be better themselves.

As much as you might want to mow your neighbor’s overgrown lawn, there’s no point in telling them how much they need it or how willing you are to do it if they don’t see a need to keep their side of the street clean.

If you want an emotionally available relationship, the first thing you need to do is make sure you’re emotionally available yourself.

Emotional unavailability is when a person (either consciously or unconsciously) builds walls and barriers that prevent them from getting close to others. This is due to trauma.

This can stem from childhood. You may come from a family of people who professionally sweep under the rug, and it has become a habit for you. You may have experienced an isolated traumatic event or repeated trauma, and as a child, the only way your emotional body could cope was to shut down.

I became less emotionally available when I first started dating (with very low self-esteem). After my first big disappointment, I didn’t want to feel the pain or have to grieve the loss of my relationship. I also didn’t want to face my role in how things fell apart. It was all too much for my heart to handle. So, I would jump into another relationship as soon as I could. This created a cascading effect of avoidance, denial, and massive unavailability. No matter how much I wanted real intimacy and connection, I could never attract it.

If you find yourself attracted to people who are emotionally (and sometimes physically, morally, and spiritually) unavailable…

If you tend to tolerate disrespectful behavior, try harder instead of shying away from red flags and blaming yourself for the emotional limitations of others…

It’s your unavailability that needs to be addressed; your perfect lawn is what needs to be cut.

We attract what we exude.

Wouldn’t you want to attract someone who can maintain their property? If you’re emotionally unavailable, you’ll pretend to be but secretly, you won’t be satisfied unless you can turn your weeds into a rose garden; your horse shit into a gold bar.

Even the most emotionally available people go through times of emotional unavailability. This may be after the death of a loved one, a diagnosis, or during a period of extreme stress. These things are detailed and will eventually pass.

But for habitually unavailable people, this is their preferred way of life. It’s the only way they can cope and function.

If you find yourself constantly engaging with people like this, the only way you will attract true love and mutual intimacy is to work on becoming emotionally available—now (rather than continuing to condition your development on being “good enough” for others to do what they don’t see fit to do).

What is emotional availability?

Emotional availability is the ability to consistently feel your way through difficult, unwanted, or painful emotions—both within yourself and in others. Don’t avoid, ignore, or run away from these emotions, and don’t let them dictate your actions. You can be kind to yourself and remain in a non-reactive state (which means staying on your white horse).

The ability to be vulnerable prevents the illusion and denial of unavailability.

What does it mean to be emotionally available?

Here are some characteristics of emotionally available people…

They are self-aware and self-reflective.

They feel fear, shame, and insecurity at times, but they do not live their lives through the filter of fear, shame, and insecurity.

They do not need others to right their past wrongs or to be their source of confidence and identity. If they are with someone, it is because they want to be.

They are vulnerable. These people can acknowledge that they are afraid, uncomfortable, uncertain, insecure, and sad. However, they do not allow these feelings to define them and they do not shy away from them. They work their way through each feeling (and reap the benefits of the vulnerability this creates).

They are kind and patient with themselves. These people have a level of self-compassion and unconditional self-love that allows them to be vulnerable—even in the presence of fear.

They are consistent in their emotional availability. They have the willingness, desire, and need to feel emotional; to connect authentically, and not run away from feeling.

They are not selective about what they feel; they are not only drawn to the good. They understand that growth happens through pain, too. Emotionally unavailable people will experience intense flashes of connection but never sustain them. (If you have low self-esteem, you will mistake their intensity for a soulmate connection.)

They do not sabotage their relationships, create drama, or incite jealousy.

They are not drawn to emotionally unavailable people because they do not feel compatible (and they are not drawn to having to “open up” for basic things like communication, loyalty, and honesty).

How to Be More Emotionally Available

This article may lead you to all the answers, but it cannot dictate your level of hunger to apply them.

As Liz Brown, one of the greatest influencers in my life, says, “You have to be hungry.” You have to want to withdraw and have an honest (and uncomfortable) conversation with yourself.

You need to do some self-reflection – acknowledge what you’re insecure about, and what you’re afraid of, and take inventory of everything you’ve been avoiding.

It’s scary, but do you know what’s scarier?

A wasted life.

Shallow relationships.

An existence you never get the chance to experience because you were too afraid to step up from the sidelines of your life.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a chance (just as you’ve given so many chances to people who never deserved one).

Be patient with yourself (just as you would with a child, an animal, or an elderly person).

Be compassionate with yourself.

Think about how many times you’ve been compassionate with toxic people (to the point where your mental health has deteriorated).

It’s time to extend that same level of care, compassion, and kindness toward yourself. If you’re feeling scared or like you’ve already wasted your life, I suggest you start now. Don’t give up on yourself.

Feel uncomfortable, write down everything that’s holding you back, and feel your feelings so you can finally feel comfortable in the most powerful position you can ever be in a position of vulnerability.

Nobody Can Do This For You But You.

Take a hard look at your life. Think about all the times you’ve tried to make toxic people feel loved and comfortable enough to be vulnerable, honest, and loyal. How did that work for you? It worked terribly for me because it came at a cost I couldn’t afford: my peace and my sanity.

The path to emotional availability isn’t through trying to mirror someone else’s unavailability. It starts and ends with you. Only then will you attract people who are as compassionate as you are, as vulnerable as you are, and while they may be afraid of many things…connection will never be one of them.