I’ve never been calm. Relaxation exercises made me nervous because I was killing myself to comply and do them right. When people tell you to be calm, it’s like being told to smile when a bomb goes off in your life. It doesn’t feel good.
If you’ve just been hit with bad news or are chronically anxious, how are you supposed to be calm, composed, and breathing? For me, breathing wasn’t enough to transform stress into calm. Like a beam of air trying to put out a huge flame.
I never thought I’d be the one to answer that question for myself or anyone else. But when I was surprised by something a few years ago, none of the usual treatments helped. I was worried that my ordeal might be worse than some of the people I treat, and I knew I had to figure it out. I had to calm down. There was no choice.
First and foremost, being a calm person in general can be an easier goal than being calm in a single crisis. This is because it involves small steps over time rather than containing the disaster with a panicked mind. If you have no prior experience moving your mind to a calm place, it can feel impossible to pull yourself together. Building the skill ahead of time helps when the difficulty arises.
Small steps carry great power… I was going to say punch, but I’d say cure. Small, consistent steps with a little stretch are the best way to make a real (inner, solid, real, lasting) change in most endeavors. Practice the new habit over time until it becomes part of you.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle
Even if you can only spare five minutes, use it to stay connected to yourself as a gathered soul. The point is not to lose your connection, however fragile or loose, to the calm self that is being created. Hold on to the effort and the faith that you will become one.
I should tell you that I was mad and I was calm and calm is better.
How to Be a Calm Person: 14 Ways to Master Mind Over Matter
- Immersion. Practice yoga or meditation 4-5 days a week for a month. Why? Immersion helps you master something deeply and quickly. If you like it, it’s yours. My yoga teacher told me to dedicate 21 days to practicing. After that, it becomes a well-honed strategy and part of your natural being. (I avoided yoga forever and now I’m addicted to it because it works. These are scientifically proven ways to reduce anxiety, depression, and PTSD.)
- Conjure up soothing images. One friend loves Valcor, the fluffy flying dragon who looks like a dog and father in the children’s movie The Never Ending Story. Another friend imagines herself with wings when she’s pushed or unloaded.
- Let yourself take a nap. I saw a sky-blue sign with happy red letters that said, “I love you and I’m napping.” It was on Pinterest. Sleep is good for creativity and calm. The unconscious mind can sort out confusion when it’s at rest.
- Remember, you’re not in charge. Well, sometimes it is, but if you are, I’m assuming you’ve already figured that out. If you’re reading Psychology Today, you probably have a psychopathic mindset, able to take responsibility for your problems.
Sometimes there’s a conflict between a sick person and a non-sick person. If the sick person is a sadist and projects their turmoil onto you (this is called projection), you should project that anxiety back onto them. Don’t make them yours by sharing. Instead, give the mess back through detachment so they can deal with it and improve. As one client declared to a demonic relative, “I can no longer be a vessel for your undesirable qualities.” In short, don’t get sucked into a reactionary battle and let the other’s meanness creep in.
- Observe, detach, and choose to go your way as in a Fleetwood Mac song. Listen to a Fleetwood Mac song. Or a song from The Never Ending Story, which cheers and soothes. Ride the good dragon. Let go of troublesome relationships even if you think you’re stuck for life.
- Listen to soothing music. You have to pick up the pieces. What did you love as a child? My husband sings James Taylor’s “You Can Close Your Eyes” to my kids and they protest if I sing anything else. I love Janet Baker’s low-key version of Shubert’s Litanei, Chopin Nocturnes, and many songs from the 60s and 70s. You might consider instrumental music if the lyrics get you excited. Save that for another time.
- Pick a place. The beach? The woods? The coffee shop? Get to know your slowdown setting. If you can’t get there right now, plan. Dreaming, drawing, collaging, and writing about that place makes it real and accessible. Take a walk in the park. Hideaway in a quiet corner for ten minutes of mindfulness (Goldie Hawn wrote a great book about that).
- Deal with clutter. I’m not kidding. Getting rid of unnecessary, annoying things is liberating. A clean space is, if not the next best thing to godliness, then the next best thing to calming. On the other hand, sometimes clutter is fun. Compare clutter to space and see how it feels, but get rid of the parts that make you hurt.
- I once heard someone say that rushing is a form of violence. And I might add, toward yourself. A fast pace may be necessary, but think about how you feel when someone knocks on your door while you’re trying to insert your contact lenses. Your heart races, your hands shake, and your mind goes wild. Living every moment in a state of stress can take its toll over time. It can make you sick. Respect slowness is beautiful, as I once saw on a button when you can. Maybe stay in your pajamas on Sunday. Someone told me the whole family did that spontaneously one day and it was better than the last holiday.
- Think, there is time. The poet T. S. Eliot wrote: “Indeed, there will be time…” Well, you’ve figured out what you want to do and who you are. Now instead of having 80 years ahead of you, it feels like 30. You panic, thinking you don’t have enough time. That’s right.
There is always time to live in a state of mind. Just calmly, step by step, little by little, work every day on what you love, even if it’s only for ten minutes. Don’t give up the kite string of your passion because you think you don’t have time. It’s the constant connection to something transcendent that keeps you afloat and calm. (It’s different if you don’t have much time to live. That’s heartbreaking.)
- Shake it to feel at peace. If you’re an intense person, do it with passion. Exhausting yourself and knowing you’ve done all you can is one way to reach a state of peace. Also, try to accept the unimportant things. Everything will work out because you are a reliable person.
- Is there something you’re supposed to be doing that you’re not? Community service, a class, a relationship, an art form? Live in your natural inclination zone to avoid chronic burnout. Don’t overinvest in stressful interactions, whether they involve narcissistic coworkers, the wrong job, or neighbors who threaten to sue you. It’s better to channel your energy into people and projects that speak to your heart and calm your mind.
- Lower your expectations. My son used to get in trouble for always trying to be first in line, so we told him to think of the middle or back as a great place to be. Sometimes, a lowly place is just right if you’re trying to learn. My daughter told me she wanted to join a swim team that lost matches so there would be no pressure and she could swim for fun.
True brilliance is a source of satisfaction, but the stress of trying to be at the top isn’t for everyone and can even prevent a talented person from finding her way.
- Use your hands. Cook, bake, clean, mend, craft, play, draw, weld, scrapbook. Have you seen Nancy Monson’s Craft to Heal? My husband Alton and I were honored to speak at Vogue Knitting Live and The Craft Yarn Council.
There is a connection between manual labor and well-being. Harvard cardiologist Herbert Benson, author of The Relaxation Response, has found that knitting lowers heart rate, blood pressure, and stress. Your hobby or craft could save your life or the lives of others. Alton told me yesterday that he is calmer during surgery. He is a hand and shoulder surgeon. He rushes me off planes, which may be a good thing. But I don’t see the point in rushing, since you still have to wait at baggage claim.
