Many of us have experienced letting someone get too close to us and then regretting it later. Toxic relationships can take many forms. We may think someone is our best friend until they start gossiping about us behind our backs. Or we may have turned our new hottie into the perfect guy without really noticing that he drinks every night, flirts with other women, and gets upset when we complain. Some of us spend years in unhealthy relationships that leave us deeply unhappy.
One way to avoid these toxic relationships is to learn how to quickly recognize the psychological disorders that come with so much relationship baggage. Unfortunately, few of us are trained to diagnose other people. However, we are well equipped to notice how others affect us. All it takes is trusting our gut reactions and paying close attention to how we feel when we’re with new people. Here are some tips that can help you assess whether your new friend or lover is potentially toxic to you.
Note: I use the word “toxic” in this post as shorthand for all the things we experience in relationships that undermine our self-esteem and our physical and mental health.
Tip 1: How do you feel when you’re with them?
This is the easiest way to tell if people are healthy or unhealthy for you. If being with them makes you feel inadequate, bored, frustrated, ugly, stupid, ashamed, or bad about yourself, then they’re probably toxic for you.
However, if you enjoy and are so stimulated by your interactions with them whenever you’re with them that you forget to be self-aware and feel comfortable and relaxed, then they’re probably healthy for you.
Example: Bob and Sarah
Bob was a know-it-all narcissist who was constantly lecturing those around him on how to act and what he thought they were doing wrong. When he started dating Sarah, she was an emotionally open and confident young woman. After several dinner dates with Bob, Sarah realized that her self-confidence had deteriorated and she had become defensive and uncomfortable around Bob. His scrutiny and criticism of her behavior made her feel very embarrassed.
Sarah wondered: Did I always use the wrong fork for fish at dinner? Should I have left my napkin on my chair or the table when I got up to go to the bathroom?
Sarah eventually realized that she didn’t care whether she or Bob was right or wrong about the cutlery or napkins. What mattered was that she felt so uncomfortable in his company that she didn’t want to spend another minute under his scrutiny.
Tip 2: Are you at your best when you’re in their company?
Some people bring out the best in us. When we’re with them, we act wisely and kindly and say and do interesting things. We feel smart, interested, and capable.
Other people lead us into trouble by bringing up the less pleasant aspects of our personality. It can be as simple as engaging in bad gossip or as serious as encouraging us to use heroin. Many people have found themselves drawn into destructive and criminal acts by so-called “friends” they would normally avoid. There’s a reason we’re warned: Be careful who you keep company with.
Tip 3: When you leave, do you feel better, worse, or the same as before?
This may vary slightly if you are an extrovert or introvert by nature, but in general, some people give more than they take and others will leave you drained and hurt.
Energy Vampires: These are the people who suck the life out of you. When you leave their company, you feel drained and exhausted. Other people give at least as much energy as they take. If you repeatedly feel like you have dried up after spending time with them, they are not healthy for you.
Belittler Artists: These are the people who play pranks on you or subtly put you down. After you spend time with them, you always feel bad about yourself.
Energizers: They motivate you. After you leave, you feel energized and better than you did before you were with them.
You’re better off spending time with the Enliveners than the Energy Vampires and Put Down Artists.
If you interact with someone and walk away feeling the same way you did before, that person is fairly neutral when it comes to your mental health.
Tip 4: Do you feel more creative and inspired after being with them?
Inspiration: We all have a creative side. Some people have a great talent for inspiring others to think in a new way or come up with a new project. If you feel more creative and inspired after being with certain people, then they are good for you.
Tip 5: Do you do mentally and physically healthy activities together?
Some people just make a big difference to us. At their most basic level, we find ourselves eating better, exercising more, and having thought-provoking conversations when we are with them. These are the friends who encourage us to sign up to study that new language we’ve always wanted to learn or take up tap dancing, meditation, or tai chi.
Example: Jessie and Joanna
Jessie tended to be a bit of a slacker by nature. She knew she should get out more, exercise more, and do all the other healthy habits. But…it wasn’t until she met Joanna that she started doing any of these things. Joanna invited Jessie to go on walks with her, take salsa dancing lessons, and eat at healthy restaurants. Jessie discovered that she loved being active and having something to do on the weekends that didn’t involve watching her favorite TV show. Joanna enjoyed Jessie’s company and enjoyed introducing her to new activities they could do together.
Other people find a sexy social evening to be drinking, doing drugs, and eating themselves out after having unprotected sex with strangers. They are clearly on a self-destructive path, intent on ruining their health, and happy to ruin yours, too.
The bottom line: If you pay attention to how you feel when you’re with certain people, the types of activities you do together, and how you feel afterward, you’ll be able to discern which friends or lovers are healthy for you and which ones you should avoid.
