If you were raised by a narcissist, chances are you may have been or could become one. Or you may have inclinations. Unfortunately, simply knowing that you may be at risk of becoming a narcissist is not enough. Therefore, you must take action and learn how to avoid becoming a narcissist like your parents.

However, to avoid becoming a narcissist, you must first begin to heal from the narcissistic abuse you faced. Healing is the only way to truly be sure that narcissism is not passed on to the next generation or even your next relationship.

Children of narcissists are more likely to become narcissists. However, other factors may contribute to this.

In this post, you will explore narcissistic traits within your family and yourself. You will explore how narcissism has been passed on in your family, learn how to acknowledge your narcissistic tendencies and learn the important elements needed to keep your narcissism in check.

1. Find out how narcissism has been passed on in your family

Think of your narcissistic parents. Then think of their parents – your grandparents. Likely, at least one of your grandparents was also a narcissist.

As you trace your family tree, you’ll see that narcissism probably didn’t just start with your parents.

Tracing your family tree and tracing narcissistic traits helps you realize the impact of toxic and abusive patterns long before you are even born. It lets you know how none of what happened to you was your fault.

However, you must acknowledge the power of intergenerational patterns. So simply being aware of this pattern is not enough to avoid becoming a narcissist. You have to play an active role to finish the cycle with you.

Use the family ethnography to explore patterns passed between generations

A family ethogram is a graph showing the history of a family’s behavior patterns over several generations. Creating a family chart can help you track how narcissism and other behavior patterns and psychological traits are passed down through generations.

When making the family ethnic drawing, feel free to include as many people as you like. You can also refer back to your family lineage as often as you like. The more people and generations you include, the more you’ll be able to see how certain traits or behavioral tendencies carry downward. And you don’t have to do this just out of narcissism or abuse. You can do this for any behavioral patterns, psychological traits, medical issues, or even personality traits.

Please remember that creating this family graph is for your good only. It is for you to better understand narcissism and abuse on a generational level. Please do not distribute or show it to family members, especially to narcissistic individuals. Rather than assigning classifications or diagnoses to individuals, try assigning the traits and characteristics you have seen instead.

My detailed message outline

The family ethnography is usually complex, detailed, and informative in terms of patterns, traits, and relationships among the various members of the family. For example, here’s one I created for a family psychology class a couple of years ago.

Looking at this family graph, you can see how complicated, and frankly, messy my mother’s side of the family is compared to my father’s. There is discord, hate, and other “negativity” in relationships involving my mom and grandparents.

Relationship issues such as relationships and divorce seem to be more common on this side of the family. You can also learn how abuse is transmitted and how it relates to emotional problems.

Simplified pie chart

To better illustrate how to convey certain traits, I’ve made a simplified and straightforward family diagram. I also included my grandparents to better show how narcissism and abuse can be an intergenerational pattern.

This simplified family diagram shows how my maternal grandmother, my grandmother, and my mother abused narcissistic traits. This illustrates a very clear pattern, at least in my family, of children becoming just as narcissistic and abusive as their parents.

I learned about my grandmother from my grandmother who told me how scary her mother-in-law was. My grandmother would hide when my grandmother was around.

I don’t know my grandmother, aunt, or uncle well enough to determine if they are abusive. But based on stories from and interactions with other family members, I see at least some narcissistic traits. And as you can see from the family’s ethnic graph, I also consider myself to have some traits.

I notice traits in myself that I worry about. And although I cannot confirm or deny whether I acted abusively towards my loved ones, I still did my best to keep my narcissism in check.

2. Acknowledge your narcissistic tendencies

I don’t think any of us get away from being raised by narcissists without picking up at least some of their behaviors or tendencies.

As unpleasant as it is, it is important to acknowledge that being a child narcissist means that you have acquired certain traits. But don’t panic. Many people have narcissistic traits. It’s just a matter of how dangerous it is.

Just because you have some traits doesn’t mean you’re not a good person or not good enough. This certainly does not mean that you are a narcissist. It just means that you are a human being with issues stemming from a difficult childhood.

However, it is still important to acknowledge these traits within yourself and keep them in check to avoid becoming a narcissist like your parents.

To understand and learn more about your narcissistic tendencies, ask yourself these questions:

What narcissistic traits am I checking for?
What seems to trigger my narcissistic self?
How do I act when I am turned on?
And what can I do to stop it?
Narcissistic traits and signs
First, be honest with yourself and think about whether you’re going to show any signs. Here are some common signs of narcissism.

An exaggerated sense of self-importance
The feeling of entitlement
It requires constant and excessive admiration
Exaggerates achievements and talents
He expects to be recognized as superior without cause
Preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, or beauty
Believes himself superior and belittles others who are seen as inferior
Monopolize conversations
You expect special treatment and compliance with expectations
Takes advantage of others for personal benefit
Inability to recognize the needs and feelings of others
He envies others and believes others envy them
He appears arrogant, boastful, and pretentious
Becomes angry, unhappy, or impatient when criticized or doesn’t get what he wants
You often have personal problems
Feels attacked easily
Feeling depressed or mood swings when you fall short of perfection
Secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability, and humiliation
So, are you a narcissist?
Perhaps you are too defensive, fantasize about success or beauty, think more of yourself than usual, or just can’t stand any criticism. (I am guilty of all of these)

However, when you think more about it, it makes sense right? Of course, you will be very defensive and very sensitive to criticism. Your parents spent your entire childhood attacking all of your weaknesses and insecurities.

And of course, you will often think of yourself or fantasize about being good or beautiful. Your father spent most of his time making your life hell, pointing out all your flaws and mistakes. No wonder you’ll be so obsessed with yourself and how you look. You may always hope that you can do better or look better.

No matter which sign you’re on, there’s likely to be a reason for how it looks based on your upbringing. However, while your narcissistic traits can be justified by the abuse you experienced, it is still your responsibility to address them.

Know your triggers

Triggers are anything that causes your narcissistic self to appear and in some way, “take over.” Many narcissists are motivated by criticism, rejection, disobedience, and disagreements. They would act offensively, throw a tantrum, insult and yell at others, and might even resort to violence.

Your parents’ mistreatment of you at the time had nothing to do with you but everything to do with their unresolved trauma. When they criticize you – verbally or physically – it is likely because of something. You may have disobeyed their requests, said “no” to them, disagreed with them, or pointed out their abusive behavior.

You likely have similar triggers. Perhaps you feel offended or attacked by any criticism. You may feel upset or angry when someone disagrees with you or disobeys you. I know I do.

To avoid becoming a narcissist like your parents, you need to get to the bottom of this. Try to learn what makes you feel certain ways and how you tend to react when that happens. Do you get angry and insult those who disagree with you? Do you throw a tantrum when you don’t get what you want?

Once you have a clearer understanding of what triggers your narcissist, you can learn to better control your reactions to them. So instead of acting inappropriately and saying or doing something that could be mean or offensive, you can learn to deal with it healthily.

Instead of becoming aggressive, try to take a breath and calm down before acting impulsively. Instead of taking a passive-aggressive or guilt-trip who disobeyed or said “no” to you, learn to accept it and move on. Most importantly, learn how to communicate and express your feelings effectively and maturely.

You are allowed to feel what you feel. It’s okay to feel upset, angry, upset, or frustrated. However, it is not okay to hurt others because you feel a certain way. It is your job to work through your feelings in a healthy way.

Focus on empathy

After all, the most important trait to focus on in yourself is empathy. Empathy is basically the opposite of narcissism. If you can show empathy and kindness, then you’re probably not a narcissist and aren’t on your way to becoming someone like your parents.

And if empathy seems like a strange idea to you, this is something you can practice.

The best way to practice empathy is to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you treat someone a certain way, think about it from their point of view. Would you be okay with someone who treats you the same way?

It’s a telling sign if you’re worried about being a narcissist or worried about hurting others with your behavior. The last person to be suspected of being a narcissist is usually a narcissist.

However, it is still important to recognize and control your narcissistic traits. Even if you are capable of empathy, your narcissistic tendencies can still creep in and possibly reach toxic levels.

Sometimes, when he’s turned on, it can be easy to let go of all senses and act on impulse. Therefore, it is important to keep your narcissism in check.

3. Learn to keep narcissism in check
   Not keeping narcissism in check means it will only get worse over time. Not only will it affect your relationships and everyone around you, but it will also affect you.

You know how much your parents hurt you. And you know how much that affects you. Do you want to end up like them? Do you want to end up hurting your girlfriend or your children in the same way? I do not wish.

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

The first step to keeping your narcissism in check is to acknowledge and acknowledge that you have a problem. Don’t try to justify your toxic behavior or blame other things or people for your actions.

You have been a victim of narcissistic abuse and it is not your fault. I’m not telling you to deny that you were a legitimate victim of abuse or anything like that.

However, it is also important not to get caught up in a victim mentality. So even though what happened in your childhood wasn’t your fault, what happens now is up to you. Some children of narcissists end up being narcissistic because they are stuck in the “I am a victim” mentality.

When you approach everything with a victim mentality, you qualify. You end up feeling like the world owes you. You end up feeling justified in everything you do, even if it hurts others. Therefore, it is necessary to stop seeing yourself as a victim.

So try to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. You had a rough past, but that doesn’t give you the right to expect special treatment or the right to treat others badly. This is what makes you a narcissist. Be responsible for yourself and strive to be a better person than your father.

Learn the signs of victim playing and how to stop playing the victim if you notice yourself doing so.

Think before you act and be responsible
Once you no longer see yourself as a victim, you will be able to see things more objectively. You will start thinking before you act and learn to be responsible for yourself.

During moments of conflict, argument, and intense feelings, it can be easy to slip up and say something hurtful or even criticize someone physically. Certain things, people, or events may trigger feelings and memories from your past, causing you to spin out of control or act irrationally.

During times like these, it is important to think before you act. Take a breath, calm down, and walk away from the situation before you do something you’ll regret. You can learn techniques to calm yourself down. Then, take the time to process what just happened and learn to deal with your feelings.

Finally, once you and the other person have calmed down, it’s important to have a conversation to talk about what happened, how you both feel and how you can move on from it.

If you did or said something hurtful or something you didn’t mean to, you should own up to what you did, admit you were wrong, apologize, and honestly try not to do it again. Being accountable to yourself is a critical skill that many abusers lack.

Awareness is crucial

One of the huge things that narcissists and other abusers lack is an awareness of themselves and an awareness of their environment and how it affects them. Therefore, to be able to end the cycle of abuse, you must remain environmentally and self-conscious.

Continue to notice traits within yourself that you may share with your abusive parent. Notice the unexplored parts of yourself that may have resulted from your childhood abuse. After that, try your best to treat it.