Every day, at some point in the day, I mourn the death of a close family member who is still living and breathing. A family member has no idea how to apologize.
I remember receiving a text message from this person months ago. The text hurts more than this person did to cause their death in my life – a death that is so unnatural, unnecessary, painful, and meaningless-especially considering how incredibly short life is and who we are about each other. The text was written as if nothing was wrong. There was no recognition of my pain, no mention of what kind of impact my heart secretly hoped my absence would have, no contact, no sympathy-nothing.
Recently, I received an apology from a person who not only broke my heart but also insulted my intelligence and confidence at an incredible level.
Years ago, one of the most kind, caring, and incredible people I have/will ever know passed away. I never got to say goodbye and ignored the two times that she called me before her death. The cheap justification for shutting down my instinct had paralyzed me. I didn’t know how to apologize for the complex shyness, guilt, embarrassment, and fear that my avoidance had caused. It was unbearable. She was in her nineties-there were no children of her own and completely unprotected, defenseless, and in need of communication. A call from me would have brightened her day so much, I can’t write about it anymore because I’m crying my eyes out.
Every day started with a guilt cloud over my head that shrank a little, ” I’ll call her tomorrow.”
Then tomorrow, I got a call from Mom and realized that tomorrow had run out. She’s gone.
I created this blog to provide answers to every question I ever asked Google at my lowest and most lonely point. In the process, a society has been formed where men and women can get real proof in real time that they are not alone in their experiences, pain, and feelings.
This blog has never and never will be a platform for how much Natasha Adamu has been wronged, heartbroken, and hurt in her relationships and life.
I want to clarify one thing:
I’ve hurt people. You have lied, cheated, evaded responsibility, epically failed, held grudges, burned bridges, buried axes with GPS locators attached, acted immaturely, and overcompensated in the most humiliating ways. I have been incredibly selfish in my life.
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The self-loathing associated with the above did nothing but make me a sitting duck for jobs, toxic relationships, and a life that would always end up reflecting how awful I felt about myself deep down.
I never used drugs, but I smoked cigarettes for a while. This was not because I enjoyed smoking. It was because I was trying to match death. I knew that cigarettes were contributing to the physical death that I had already experienced emotionally and spiritually inside.
Despite experiencing and inflicting a lot of pain, you have learned how to control the things that will take away your life if left without mastery:
How to forgive, how to apologize, how to apologize to your ex, and how to decipher an apology from the person who promised you that he would never give your heart a reason to forgive: your ex.
You will never learn how to apologize or be able to decipher an apology if you do not have a firm understanding of what it means to forgive.
What I learned about forgiveness and how to make it easier:
Contradiction is the root of all misery. It sounds very trite, but you can’t forgive others unless you forgive yourself. To be the holiest of you, the high moment that comes from riding your psychological high and outsourcing forgiveness to a toxic person (without forgiving yourself), is not worth the inevitable depletion of your dignity and authority. This is what I call” quantitative forgiveness”, not quality. Nothing that can be of high quality will blur your fibers. If you find that you tend to forgive others more than you, you will always be amid rejection, sabotage, drama, denial, disappointment, anger, mixed signals, and abandonment. Forgiveness is the choice of acceptance. He makes the conscious decision to adjust your boundaries based on the acceptance of who someone has revealed. She’s choosing to embrace the lesson that was supposed to learn from her sh * ting emotional bed. It’s about accepting who someone is at the moment, right now. It’s never about letting emotional nostalgia steal you blind. With acceptance comes the ability to expel, throw away, and leave. Forgive yourself with the understanding that the universe will not condemn you for the bad things you have done. It will reward you for the amount you learn and to what extent you decide to run with that newfound knowledge of your mistakes. Karma returns only to those who do not learn and continue to move on. Understand what forgiveness does not mean: it does not mean that you condone what happened, it does not mean that you believe the other person’s nonsense (or you need to contact him about every little detail), and it does not mean that the other person has changed. Forgiveness does not mean that you now trust the other person and certainly does not mean that you need to be in any kind of contact with him.
Bottom line: forgiveness is about two things-boundaries and respect. The result of real tolerance is the adjusted limits that are being worked on. Show others (by your kind actions) that you respect their decision to act the way they did.
How to apologize to an ex-partner (or to anyone)…
The denominator of a true apology is empathy. You will never know how to apologize without really putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Mastering how to apologize is nothing more than a genuine interest in the experience and unique feelings of the other person. Yes, regret involves feeling bad, but it’s the ability to get out of your narcissistic guilt and want to know how your actions (or lack thereof) specifically shaped the experience and caused pain to a person you claim to care about.
Here’s how to apologize to an ex-partner (or to anyone you wronged and hurt):
Don’t make it about you. You need to reassure the other person that you can take care of your emotional state. To be able to sincerely apologize means to be unselfish and not selfish. Understand that the pain that you experience as a result of what you did/did not do, said/did not say, is the result of those decisions that you made. This is not the other person’s burden to carry. I have already put enough on their emotional shoulders. Apologize for the mistake you made specifically. Never say, ” I know what I did wrong.”Tell the person what you know so that he feels safe, validated, and inclined to continue listening. Ask the other person to share their experience with you and how you made them feel. There may be more things to apologize for that you don’t know about. Tell the other person the steps you’ve taken to ensure this doesn’t happen again. Ask the other person what they need from you to feel reassured that this will never happen again. Proving that you know how to apologize to an ex-partner (or anyone for that matter) is not about the need to make excuses because of narcissistic and selfish guilt. Excuses are nothing more than putting salt in the wound you inflicted. Avoid making any kind of grandiose/absolute promises, statements, or assumptions. He comes across as deceitful and selfish. Communicate that you appreciate them taking the time to hear you and that you have no expectations. You respect the decisions they have made and they will make them. There is no pressure. Do not try to control the narrative. Your goal should be to contact yourself without justification (so that the other person does not have to) while you are interested from his end, how your selfishness caused pain, and broke the relationship.
The key to knowing how to apologize to an ex-partner?
Understand that there is nothing to really” master ” except to be kind (never brutally) and sincere.
Honesty is the greatest gift you can ever give to others and yourself. It saves you from shutting down your vulnerability. He does not allow agendas, drama, and the ability to hide your truth. Honesty may hurt, disagree with, and be hated, but it will always be respected.
Honesty is also the only one-way ticket of the relational amateur hour.
What to do with an apology from the ex
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If he is someone of the toxic types- narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, and/or sociopathic, here’s how these people will generally apologize”.”
Think of it this way –
I was a puppy. And every time the other person came into the room, wagging your tail from too much excitement, it felt like the ground was falling. She licked them and showed them love and affection.
Then one day, they stopped petting and kicked you. Hard.
With your tail between your legs and your head down, you moved away-licking your wounds and not understanding the reason for your kick.
Time passes and suddenly, they’re back at your door with treats in hand. When they go to pet you, however, you duck down. You don’t know if you’re going to get hit or pet and if you don’t get bit, you don’t even know what that means. How can someone pet you who can kick sh * t out of you?
Therefore, you instinctively duck down and bounce back.
The proverbial puppy kicker notices that you got off. Whether it’s because of detached remorse, selfish embarrassment, seeing their reflection, or finally coming face to face with the pain they caused and what a beautiful thing they messed up-they end up making you feel bad to wriggle out.
They go into this whole thing about how ducking caused them so much pain. Although they claim to understand why you have to duck, they can’t help but express how it hurts them and how not a day goes by when they don’t think about what they did.
Suppose I hurt you and instead of apologizing, I still tell you how much it hurts me every day to hurt you and how not a minute passes where I don’t regret it. That’s cool and all, but it puts the onus on you not only to take care of your broken heart but also to be aware of my broken heart because you rightfully wriggle out every time I try to caress you.
“Apologizing” like this will make you feel worse. You’re trapped in doing the other person’s dirty work for them-detailing what they did, how it hurt you, and then having to pull an apology from an adult.
Now she has switched to training wheels on a bicycle that is not equipped to ride without them.
If there is a lack of realism, honesty, maturity, reflection, and recognition, my best advice is to see it for what it is, prioritize your peace and fold.
Despite a lot of mistakes, I have grown. I’m still messed up and I apologize, wholeheartedly. I keep learning and growing.
Be with people who love, trust, and respect you just the way you are. Be with people who don’t have to wake up, look in the mirror, and remind themselves to be honest or be a good person because they are.
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