I do not like to write any criticism of the church. She is the bride of Christ, and she is holy and set apart. These days, criticism of Christians by other Christians is often offensive, judgmental, and ugly. But this particular issue weighs heavily on my heart and mind. I bring this up with all humility, and I qualify my issue with the knowledge that not all churches or Christians, by any means, have this problem.
I serve many women and, in fact, quite a few men. They each find themselves mired in abusive marriages with unrepentant husbands. In some cases, the couple attends church regularly and recites Bible verses all the time. I know of some cases where the abusive spouse attends spiritual conferences and spends time daily studying the Bible. My ex-husband would intermittently adopt an outward form of piety in order to impress others.
But within a marriage, the verbal abuse, emotional bullying, and general degradation of the abuser’s victim continue unabated. Brain studies show that the traumatic damage caused by emotional or narcissistic abuse is no different from physical violence. PTSD seems the same, no matter the cause. When there is no physical abuse, the church sometimes downplays the severity of intimate terrorism. No one wants to overlook physical abuse, but putting emotional abuse in a different category does just that. The injuries are internal but medically real.
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In these cases, pastors and fellow churchgoers tend to reward the more attractive and apparently religious member of the couple. This leaves no space for the victim to safely disclose the abuse. Sadly, a large number of these cases involved narcissistic priests who charmed their congregations while keeping their families in an emotional prison. Leaving a narcissistic spouse who is a church pastor means uprooting one’s entire life and losing any support platform.
In other cases, the abusive spouse is a known criminal. He or she is an addict of some kind or is known to be unfaithful. They rarely attend church, their misdeeds are widely recognized and the husband or wife is often seen praying for them earnestly at the front of the church. Sometimes churches band together in prayer for these outliers. The victim of this unhappy marriage is treated as a saint and the entire focus of the group becomes focused on changing the person who shows no desire to change. Codependency can infect an entire church.
How do some churches promote abuse? Try these examples for size:
1: The Church worships marriage.
For some churches, divorce is an unforgivable sin. I had a pastor decades ago who spoke about what I now know to be severe abuse within marriage. He sadly told these women, who were kept in terrible slavery by their husbands, that they needed to stay with “these wretched men.” After all, we should never break the vow of marriage, even if it is a heavy price for victims of abuse. He felt deep sympathy for these women, or so he said. But, like the Pharisees, His law placed such a heavy burden on these women that they could not bear it, including me.
2: The Church praises the victim.
The rewards of interdependence are real in some churches. Sometimes churches view men and women who stay in abusive marriages for whatever reason as saints. In a real twist of reality, the church often holds that these victims of abuse are in some way responsible for the salvation of their spouses. Survival is described as courage when holding the perpetrator accountable for his or her actions is a truly courageous move. I stayed away from the horror. Leaving is the bravest thing I’ve ever done. In a skewed view of turning the other cheek, pastors sometimes encourage men and women who are regularly abused to continue doing so.
I think the reason for this is that it is better for the children if one spouse sacrifices their own mental and emotional health. Instead, what really happens is that the dysfunction is allowed to pass from generation to generation. Jesus disappeared from the angry crowds to avoid being harmed until God called him to the cross. Standing up to our aggressors is the best way to return good with evil. By continuing or condoning this abusive cycle, we are as surely participating in it as all bystanders in the Holocaust.
3: Christians can be gullible.
Instead of being wise as serpents, we Christians are easily deceived by outward displays. I believe this happens because displaying faith and worship at its best is weak. Just as the average person might have difficulty praying out loud or raising their hands, we fall in love with the people who take center stage in front of the church. They loudly proclaim their prayers and even repent for various sins before the people, and we are amazed by their courage.
But both men and women who have suffered systematic and devastating abuse regularly recount the performance of their narcissistic spouses in front of the group. My ex was committed to the Lord and he repented of his sin before the church. The next day, he forced my daughter to hold a stray dog while beating it to death. Reagan’s wisest words to me are “Trust with Verification.” Jesus rewarded the man who prayed in his room and humbly asked for forgiveness. We must learn to distinguish true repentance from manipulation. Actions are much more important than words.
4: The Church is doctrinally committed to keeping women in certain roles.
If the church spends too much time emphasizing women’s role as silent, non-voting partners in marriage, there may be cause for concern. I personally have never been to a church that emphasizes women’s submission where there is no stronghold for emotional abuse. I expect to take heat for this. But I want to suggest that when one gender takes all the power from the other and uses the Bible to justify it, it is not love. And if the world is to know that we are Christians by our love, what example do we set when we tape the mouths of the entire sex shut?
One church near me takes Paul so seriously that women are forbidden from speaking a word during any church service. Abuse depends on the silence of its victims. In fact, it cannot exist without it. Don’t hit me here with your ideology. The first missionary was a woman. Mary must spread the good news first. Imprisoning women is not from the heart of Jesus.
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So these are my suggestions for Christians and their individual churches alike. Be prepared to listen without judgment. Learn to be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. There is no single answer that solves abusive situations. Some men and women are invited to stay for a season. Some are called out of their destructive marriages. Their decision to stay or leave is between them and God. The function of the church is to preach the gospel, lay hands on the sick, raise the dead, and make disciples of all people. We are to spread the kingdom, not act as judge, jury, and executioner.
Educate yourself about what abuse looks like in a marriage, especially if you are a pastor. How many times does God have to say that He can see beyond the outward appearance to the heart of man? We all need discernment and leadership to know our role in helping disenfranchised men and women within our congregations. The establishment of the Sabbath was created for man, not man for the Sabbath. So too, marriage was done for human beings, not human beings for the institution of marriage. Both men and women must submit to God before they can submit to each other.
