You can predict how a narcissist will behave in a relationship from your first date

When you say the word “narcissist,” most people immediately imagine an extroverted, extroverted person who displays high self-confidence and instantly takes center stage at every gathering. While this is an aptly brief description of typical showmanship of narcissistic feel-good behavior, it ignores many other people who also suffer from narcissistic disorders.

I have found it helpful to divide narcissistic personality disorder into three main subtypes: exhibitionist, closet, and toxic. Some theorists give them different names or may describe fewer or more types of narcissists. Those I call toxic narcissists, might call them malignant narcissists, Or they may describe all non-oppositionists as covert narcissists. Names aside, the easiest way to get to know the subset you’re with is by paying close attention to how they prefer to get their narcissistic supply.

Briefly:

Exhibitionist narcissists: want to be liked
Closet Narcissists: They want to be with someone they like
Toxic narcissists: They want to dominate and make the other person feel worthless

Why is it important to know which subgroup a narcissist belongs to?

If you are planning a romantic relationship with anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, you need to understand exactly what you are getting into, how the narcissist acts on the first date, and how this is likely to affect your relationship. You can get some basic information about the person once you realize they have narcissistic issues. (10) He always hides his phone.
You know you can never trust a guy when he always hides his phone from you. Snooping into your partner’s phone and checking all their messages isn’t healthy, but if they’re always uncomfortable and super controlling about their phone whenever they’re with you, that’s a big red flag. If he was a trustworthy person, he wouldn’t have to resort to all of this.

If he has nothing to hide from you, he will never hide his phone. But if he is, don’t trust him. never.

A man who gets into a relationship just to use his woman will eventually leave her when he is done using her. These relationships are highly toxic and never last. So, if you see these signs, you better get out of it. The world is a vast place, and you will find your master someday.

If you’ve done some reading on narcissism, you’ll find out that narcissists are:

Preoccupied with self-esteem issues

selfish
Lack of emotional empathy
Extremely sensitive to perceived abuse
Easy to get angry
devaluation
very condition conscious

All of this makes it difficult for people with narcissistic personality disorder to maintain stable, intimate, and loving relationships.

Narcissistic subgroups

If we take the above information a step further and sort narcissists into these three basic subgroups, it gives us more information about how they potentially interact in intimate relationships.

You may be in a relationship with a narcissist without even realizing it.

Each of the three narcissistic groups has its typical relationship pattern. Because there is so much focus on the showy narcissist, many people are not aware that any other type of narcissistic personality disorder exists. This means that you could be married to a non-confrontational narcissist for years without even realizing it.

When things go wrong, and a spouse’s narcissistic traits suddenly become more pronounced, people ask me, “Is it possible that my husband (or my wife) could suddenly become a narcissist after all these years?” The answer is “no.” Narcissistic personality disorder forms in childhood and can be diagnosed in early adulthood. You just haven’t recognized the signs yet.

Why is their narcissism more apparent now?

It usually turns out that some life crisis has threatened the narcissistic spouse’s self-esteem. In his attempt to deal with this challenge, the person has increased the use of narcissistic defenses. This has now made these defensive behaviors more visible.

This means that it is very likely that your spouse’s narcissistic difficulties and coping strategies caused problems in your relationship the entire time you were together. You simply did not understand that this was the problem. Once you understand what you’re looking for, you’ll likely be able to see how your partner’s narcissistic sensitivities may have played a role in the many fights and misunderstandings you both have experienced over the years.

An introduction to the three narcissistic subgroups and
Here is a brief introduction to the three main subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder and some examples of how a particular type of narcissist might act on a first date with someone new.

How narcissists act on the first date can provide useful information about how they would be in an ongoing intimate relationship, if one developed after that date. The difference is that on a first date, they go all the way forward. If you don’t like their behavior, you’re less likely to enjoy their company later when they take you for granted and aren’t trying so hard.

Narcissists are usually pretty blunt when it comes to showing their relationship style because they usually don’t realize what their actions say about them. They also tend to repeat the same relationship patterns over and over again. You’re usually safe to assume: If a narcissist does this to you on the first date, they’ve done it before, and they’ll do it again.

Exhibitionist narcissists
This is the group of people that comes to mind when most people hear the word “narcissist.” They love to be the center of admiration for attention. They tend to dominate conversations, feel entitled to special treatment, act very confident, and enjoy telling stories and giving advice. When they feel insecure, they use what I call the “God Defense”:

God = greatness, omnipotent, devaluation

“God’s defense” is my shorthand way of describing the idealistic, unrealistic defensive façade that exhibitionist narcissists try to construct to hide their doubts. Instead of presenting themselves as ordinary human beings with diverse talents and imperfections, they insist that they are special, perfect, know-it-all, and always right. They also expect everyone around them to agree with their point of view. In their minds, they are “above” and all but a select few are “below”.

Since this arrogant attitude is a thin porous facade and not their true feeling inside, it is easy to disrupt. This makes exhibitionist narcissists hypersensitive to even minor insults. They are quick to anger and ready to fight over things that most people might not even notice. They can also be very cruel because they lack emotional empathy.

When they are not bragging about their accomplishments or telling stories in which they play heroic or heroic roles, they are busy devaluing anyone who disagrees with them. They may cruelly mock someone who is within hearing distance: “Boy, do you look fat in that dress!” or “I can’t believe how stupid the waiter is.” They tend to be oblivious to other people’s real reactions to their attitudes and behavior. They are so blinded by their defenses that they assume that everyone either agrees with them or thinks what they say is funny.

Example – Ted and Sue on a first date
Ted, a narcissistic showman, goes on his first date with an attractive woman, Sue, whom he met through an online dating site.

Here’s how each of them later described their first date:

Ted: “I wowed her! I told her how many interesting people I knew, took her to a fancy restaurant, and ordered an amazing dinner for her and she chose such an excellent wine that she’d never tasted before. I can’t wait for the next date. It’s hot! Next time we’ll end up at my apartment for the night”.

Sue: “Boy, that was a wasted evening. My date was so obnoxious. All he did was talk about himself all night. He didn’t ask me a single question about me. Then he insisted on ordering a steak dinner and red wine for me over my protests. I never eat red meat.” And the salmon looked good. I wanted to try the peach and vodka cocktail, but he insisted on this signature wine instead. That’s how it went all night. Everything was what he wanted. If he texted or called me back, I wouldn’t bother myself bothering to reply.”

The primary narcissist’s narcissist’s narcissist’s narcissistic, extroverted relationship style: They’re insensitive and bossy. They expect anyone they’re with to like them and agree with them on everything. The dispute is seen as criticism and met with devaluation. They need constant reassurance that they are special, perfect, and always right. And this is how these narcissists act on the first date.

The Narcissist’s Closet
Unlike their showy narcissistic “cousins,” Closet narcissists feel uncomfortable when the spotlight is directly on them. They want to be “special”, but they are conflicted. They are usually trained since childhood that they will be attacked if they openly show themselves to be admired. They often had a showy, narcissistic father who belittled them because he saw them as competitors. They were only rewarded with praise for their admiration for their show-stopping father. Their narcissistic grandeur has been crushed or buried deeply in their personality.

In general, Closet Narcissists tend to be more insecure than hypothetical narcissists. They feel too exposed and vulnerable to enjoy being the center of attention. They are afraid that others will see all their flaws and attack and devalue them as their narcissistic father did. Instead, they find ways to relate themselves to people, causes, religions, and other things they admire and consider special. Then they feel special through the association.

They don’t say: I’m special, like me!

They say: This is perfect and special. You must like this! (My religion, my lover, my school, this book, etc.)

Rather than being overtly demanding, Closet Narcissists sometimes try to manipulate the situation to get their way indirectly. They may play the victim and use your compassion to convince you to do whatever they want. They often pretend to be much nicer than they feel on the inside. This is how this type of narcissist behaves on the first date.

Many people with narcissistic personality disorder allow their closet to be used by their most trusted friends. They live for the praise they hope to earn by working hard for the people, causes, and groups they admire. There’s a song in the movie “Beaches” called “The Wind Beneath My Wings” that beautifully describes the kind of appreciation most Closet narcissists dream of getting from their crushes.

Example – Ted and Lara on a first date
Ted is the showy narcissist we met in Sue’s previous example. Now he’s out on his first date with Lara, who suffers from roommate narcissistic disorder. Here they are all describing the date later.

Ted: He says the same thing about his date with Lara as he did with Sue. Ted repeats the same first date with every new woman. For showman narcissists like Ted, women are replaceable as long as they serve the same function as him.

“She liked it! I told her how many interesting people I knew, took her to a fancy restaurant, and ordered an amazing dinner for her and she chose an excellent wine that she had never tasted before. I can’t wait for the next date. It’s hot! Next time we’ll end up at my apartment for the night.”

Lara: “Ted is so cool! I can’t believe he wants me. He’s so witty! I love that he took charge and ordered me. How did he know I like steak and good red wine? He’s so perceptive.”

As a closet narcissist, Lara looks up to Ted and idealizes him for the same qualities the non-narcissistic Sue found distasteful. Lara also misunderstands Ted. Unlike Sue who quickly realizes how selfish Ted is in asking her, Lara idealizes him for it. She mistakes his selfishness for confidence.

Closet Narcissist’s Basic Relationship Style: They choose someone they can make perfect and special. They bask in the reflected glory of that person. They imagine some of that major will end up in them. They value the little bits of approval they get from the person they like best. They often form relationships with showmanship narcissists because they mistake their defensive grandiosity for true self-confidence.

Toxic narcissists
Toxic narcissists are the “worldly” narcissistic group. They are not satisfied with being the center of attention, they want total domination and others want submission. They usually have a sadistic streak and enjoy hurting others. They want you to obey them and fear them.

Some of them are what I think of as “failed braggarts”. They are angry and bitter that they could not live up to their unrealistic fantasies of limitless achievement. They envy anyone who has what they want. They have given up being a constructive force in the world and are now mainly bent on thwarting the happiness of others.

Their toxic intentions are very clear when presented in public, like the class bully who bullies weaker kids or the principal who likes to angrily devalue a different person every day in front of the entire office: “You screwed up again! What are you, idiot? Or did you decide to Are you firing yourself today to get unemployment because you are too lazy to work?”

Toxic narcissists can also offer up a little more secret, like your “nice old aunt” who always asks you embarrassing questions that make you feel bad in front of the whole family: “Why are you so fat? Neither of your parents was as fat as the kids.” Or, “What a shame you lost your job again! How many jobs have you lost? Why can’t a smart girl like you keep a job?” You’ll find the toxic narcissist doing some of these things right on the first date.

Example – Ted and Mona on a first date
Ted, a showmanship narcissist, has a first date with Mona, a toxic narcissist. Ted tried his usual plan for a first date. Here’s how the evening went.

Ted: “Let me ask you. I know you’ll love it.”

Mona: (after I’ve had a few bites of meat and a sip of wine). “It’s a shame premium beef is no longer available and they pass off meat like this as Prime. Please don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Most people don’t know better because they’ve never tasted the real thing! This wine isn’t bad. I see why You may like it better than others.

As you can see, Mona, the toxic narcissist, quickly asserts her dominance over Ted, the showy narcissist. It neatly destroys any pleasure Ted might have in providing this meal. According to Mona, she’s the real expert on steak and wine, and poor Ted is simply used to being inferior to both and doesn’t know any better. What happens is that Mona constantly underestimates Ted.

Toxic narcissistic relationship style: Their goal is to prove themselves to be better than you and to make you feel inferior and incompetent. This is how this type of narcissist behaves properly on a first date. Life with them is a long put down. You can never please them. They will never praise you. Any self-confidence you entered into the relationship with is likely to be eroded and replaced by self-doubt.

Assessment and narcissistic personality disorder

All narcissists will devalue others to boost their self-esteem. By devaluing I mean they will say demeaning things intended to make another person feel worthless. The three types of narcissists differ, however, in who they devalue, how often they devalue, and when they devalue.

Oppositional narcissists:

Showy narcissists will overtly devalue others when they can’t get the admiration they crave or when they feel criticized. In general, they will not devalue people they consider above them on the totem pole, only those who are in competition with them or who are clearly below them.

The exhibitionist narcissist’s use of devaluation sometimes leads the untrained to be mistaken for exhibitionist narcissists and toxic narcissists. As you can see from the above examples, the exhibitionist narcissist Ted began actively looking for likes for dates, while the toxic narcissist Mona began to devalue Ted.

Narcissistic subgroups

Why is their narcissism more apparent now?

Assessment and narcissistic personality disorder

Oppositional narcissists:

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