Breakups are an emotional whirlwind even for the most emotionally healthy of us. For those with an avoidant attachment style, however, the consequences of a breakup can be a more complicated and challenging experience. So, how does someone with introverted attachment look and feel after a breakup? In this article, I will explore the unique struggles and emotions that individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may face during this period and provide insight into how both parties can best move forward.
Understanding avoidant attachment
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that early attachment experiences with caregivers shape our future relationships. There are three basic attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant, as well as the lesser-known type, disorganized.
People with a secure attachment style generally have a strong sense of self. They are comfortable with intimacy and independence, achieving a healthy balance between the two in their relationships. Secure attachments are more resilient in the face of a breakup because they have a solid foundation of self-esteem and a good understanding of what a healthy relationship should look like.
In contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and often lean towards excessive independence, which, is a commonly overlooked trauma response. Unfortunately, the average dismissive avoidant struggles to be an open book to his partner and largely fails to articulate his needs in the relationship. As a result, they remain somewhat isolated and emotionally detached from their beloved.
So, what is a hiding avoider? As a recovered dismissive-avoidant, I can reveal that underneath all the puzzling behaviors is the fear of seeing their true selves. Unlike secure attachments, the avoidant carries parts of themselves that they do not like or, in many cases, do not understand. Usually, an individual becomes this way because of the toxic hangover of shame from childhood. Until the avoidant summons the courage to stop running and face himself, anyone who tries to form a close relationship with the avoidant will eventually be pushed away, sometimes in the most cold and cruel ways.
The emotional landscape of shunned accessories after a breakup
Initial relief: avoidant attachment after a breakup, so what’s the deal? At least initially, individuals with this attachment style feel relieved after a breakup. This satisfaction stems from the fact that they no longer need to overcome emotional challenges and weaknesses in a romantic relationship. Finally, the dismissive-avoidant can hide again. Separation is the final return to their comfort zone of independence.
Isolation and withdrawal: after initial relief, individuals associated with avoiding isolation often experience severe withdrawal and withdrawal; loneliness sets in. They may retreat further to their self-sufficiency and enter a long period of reclusive behavior. A person with an avoidant attachment after a breakup often looks for reasons to justify his decision to end the relationship.
Fear of vulnerability: introverted individuals naturally shy away from vulnerability and emotional intimacy; it’s the default setting. They may fear being hurt again after a breakup, which ultimately prevents them from processing their emotions and healing effectively.
Idealizing independence: in the weeks following a breakup, avoidant individuals typically idealize their independence and self-reliance as a coping mechanism. This mentality seems to convince itself that it does not need anyone else and that relationships are more trouble than they deserve. Unfortunately, the idealization of singles only hinders the ability to reflect on what went wrong in the previous relationship and how it can grow from the experience.
Difficulty expressing emotions: expressing emotions is a challenge for avoidance-related individuals, which can be amplified after a breakup. Mobilizing emotions is much easier. Any feeling of sadness or loss remains untreated in the aftermath of a breakup; avoidants live in survival mode and usually lack the emotional maturity to face complex emotions.
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Fleeting moments of longing: despite their preference for the lone wolf lifestyle, people with an avoidant attachment style may regularly experience fleeting moments of longing for their ex-partner. These moments can be confusing and lead to a feeling of inner turmoil. Will the avoidant act out in these moments and communicate with their ex? The answer is probably no if they have yet to work on themselves. Whether or not the avoidant admits it to themselves, their fear of rejection is intense.
Avoiding intimacy and new relationships: upset that your avoidant ex may have moved on and is in a new relationship? Avoidant individuals generally avoid jumping into new relationships after a breakup. They want all the breathing space they can get. Their natural tendency to maintain emotional distance can make opening up to New People difficult, perpetuating the cycle of emotional avoidance.
Final thoughts about avoidant attachment after a breakup
Avoidant attachments are easy to demonize. Many of their behaviors are self-serving and inhuman. On the surface, it seems that this person has never paid attention to you. Were they acting out throughout the relationship? The truth is, no, there was no action on their part. The avoider loved you the best they could. The problem is that their emotional capacity is very limited, and the depth of their feeling, due to trauma, has not yet matured. Knowing this may not necessarily solve any problems, but it can alleviate some of the distress and heartbreak caused by these individuals.
The consequences of breaking up with the average avoidant often include complex interactions of relief, isolation, fear, idealization of independence, and difficulty expressing emotions. Timely healing and healthy relationships are possible for the avoidant, but only with self-awareness and commitment to personal growth.
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Attachment styles can develop as we move through life. While some regrettably dismissive avoidants never change their ways, many do. However, the avoidant should want to do the inner work for themselves. They probably won’t take it well if you tell the avoidant everything that’s wrong with them.
It’s normal to feel anger and hurt towards your ex and dread his betrayal. From your point of view, I shared something beautiful that they destroyed for no reason. The truth is that nothing you did or didn’t do could have changed the avoidant’s mind about leaving the relationship; the avoidant needed to run to feel safe.
The fact that you were emotionally intimate with the avoidant means that they know that you saw them, the real them, on some level, which terrified them to their core. Whatever a person with an avoidant attachment after a breakup shows to the world, know that, in many cases, they feel the opposite internally.
