I find that if I have a wrong concept about love, and therefore God, that is, one that doesn’t quite align with Scripture, then I don’t need to look any further than my approach to relationships. Because we are in a real relationship with the Lord, we often have pauses similar to those we have in our human relationships. Each of us has a relational style, which we learned from parents and friends and which we bring into our marriage and parenting. It should come as no surprise, then, that these relational approaches impact our relationship with God.
There is also a misconception about love. When I was a naive 17-year-old girl, I viewed my first husband’s overwhelming interest in me as love. Love may have played a role, but more often than not, he needed control. He learned early in his family that love meant control, and I believe that fear of control played a role in his rejection of God.
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We carry our baggage to Him, just as we carry those heavy bags for our spouses and children.
A sure way to know if you are maturing in the Lord is that you will also find yourself maturing as a wife, husband, mother, or father. “Faith without works is dead” is the verse often cited as a spiritual relic. It is sometimes used against those Christians who either do not give as much as they should, or do not volunteer enough in the church. But I believe some of the actions we can expect to see in the life of a mature Christian are peace in relationships and fulfilling relationships. This does not include those living in abusive relationships. Being a Christian in an abusive marriage requires discerning a different order.
However, correcting our misconception about love, who God is, and how we relate to others, to God, and to ourselves is a continuous work in progress. As we come to know more deeply the love in the person of Jesus, our lives grow to reflect his glory.
Misconceptions begin to fade away as the truth emerges in the presence of Jesus Christ in our lives.
I list the reasons for the misunderstanding of love as a partial list. To go deeper, this piece will come in two parts. This first blog will address controlling and dependent relationships, while the next blog will address inclusive relationships, or lack of boundaries, as well as lack of conflict or lack of intimacy as a relational style. I think we all go through these relational approaches as stages to some extent. I hope this provides a road map of where we are and hopefully travelling.
Relational Style 1: Controller
If you find yourself in a style where you have control over your relationships or where you are on the receiving end of overbearing control, your relational style is tied to the idea of power. Power struggles are, of course, part of every relationship. We have to find our voice in our marriages and as parents, and our ideas are often very different from those of our colleagues and children.
The problem with keeping the idea of power at the center of a relationship in which there is to be love is that God also becomes part of that cycle.
God as a tyrant is sometimes an angry God, holding us to a set of rules more important than our own hearts. This misunderstanding of love and therefore of God who is love, as the outlet creates a lot of guilt and performance problems. Just as controlling relationships lead to slavery for those involved, people with this relational style become bound by their ideas about what God wants from them. I stayed in my first marriage to a narcissist for years longer than I should have, not because I wanted to but because I convinced myself that God was asking me to.
But as far as I know, God has never forced me to do anything. In fact, Jesus came to serve, not to rule. He who is God did not assert Himself in this way. He came as a poor and humble man. God himself forbids judgment and punishment. He can discipline us, but as a loving Father to discipline us rather than punish us. This misunderstanding of the love of authority can cause us to resent God, just as we would resent a controlling parent or spouse.
- Dependent
Dependent relationships are essentially a well of unmet needs. In these relationships, we either play the role of need-filler or needy. Sometimes we get confused between the two roles. Everyone must develop the ability to meet their own needs. The Book of Proverbs says: A friend is satisfied with himself. When we cling to each other, draining the life out of each other, we prove that we have not learned to love.
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The misconception here is that God is far away. The fear of abandonment overwhelms everything else. But while it is true that each of us has a God-shaped hole inside us, the fear of rejection projects onto God the same inability to give enough that we experience. God feels that he carries himself at a distance. He would leave at some point, as everyone did.
Of course this is not true.
But the inability to receive love from our family and friends translates into an inability to receive love from God.
For those in need, fear has replaced love. Anxiety hides a God who is present, immediate, and loving. In this misunderstanding of love, there is never enough, and we are always alone.
I don’t want to be one of those Christian writers who can accurately describe a problem without a proper solution. The one thing I know after forty-eight years is that maturity is measured in decades. If you have one of the two relational models I mentioned above, you’re probably familiar with it. But growth comes at a cost, and it is not one size fits all.
For me, growth requires constant vigilance. Sometimes I was seeking advice, other times I was looking for guides in the form of the wonderful library of Christian literature available to us in the modern age. Relationships with those who have wiser hearts help greatly. Seek after your recovery. Seek outside.
You will find it like everyone else making the journey, in bits and pieces, moments of revelation, and the wise, unseen hand of God.
