Have you found yourself obsessing over looking for signs of narcissism?
Have you recently left a toxic relationship, only to continue your fact-finding mission like a CNN journalist?
Have you spent hours, months – or worse, years – trying to look inside the narcissist’s mind to figure out exactly what makes him tick?
Maybe your relationships are strained because you’re constantly talking about your toxic ex, and so you’re on recovery forums for hours desperately trying to gain a sense of validation.
Wondering how you can move past the devastating pain and actually take your first steps towards healing?
I hear you!
While recovery varies from person to person, there are certain things we do that get in the way of healing, and we can even reverse any progress we might make when trying to get through a toxic relationship.
Ironically, these are the activities that everyone coming out of a toxic relationship does, on top of those activities that we are innate to do!
When it comes to obsessively researching narcissism, we sometimes think that if we can work out why a partner is cruel and abusive, we can help “rehabilitate” them and repair the relationship (which you may have been taught is impossible to do). Other times, we do it because we want to know as much as possible about the disorder to avoid attracting another narcissist into our lives. However, we may do so as a subconscious way to keep a toxic ex in our lives to fill the void left when they (or us) leave.
Having gone through these experiences myself, I don’t come from a place of judgment, but instead, I hope to save you time (and more heartbreak). In this article, I discuss one of the most important behaviors that hinder recovery and often prevent survivors from crossing the threshold to a better life, which is…
Continue to read an excessive amount of material related to narcissism.
During the discovery phase to find out why your toxic partner or ex is behaving the way they are, it is essential to educate yourself about narcissism. It helps understand the characteristics of the disorder and helps you recognize the dynamics of abusive relationships.
However, there comes a point at which further reading on the topic of narcissism becomes moot and even destructive. Controversy because you have a Ph.D. In narcissism, it will not change the outcome of the relationship. Destructive because it keeps you focused on the narcissist, the abuse, the trauma, and most importantly it prevents you from focusing on healing your underlying wounds.
Remember the old saying, “What goes together, wires together”? Every time you repeat a certain thought or action, you reinforce the connection between your neurons, turning those thoughts and actions into a way of life, and thus affecting your daily reality.
The truth is, you can’t begin the healing process while reading about signs of narcissism because your subconscious mind is replaying the abuse.
The more you think about your ex, the more you will obsess about them and it will almost guarantee that you will continue to attract negativity into your life (which may also be why they keep appearing out of nowhere!) It is just one example of how your thoughts affect your reality.
How to stop the madness
There are many elements involved in recovering from narcissistic abuse. Just as with any loss, there will be periods of grief, denial, anger, and depression.
However, unlike a typical breakup where you will eventually reach a point of acceptance, many victims of narcissistic abuse remain focused and obsessed with their abuser, often suffering for up to ten years or more after the breakup.
Perhaps the bigger picture will help you make more empowering choices with your time. When you compulsively research narcissism and spend hours a day on recovery forums, there are other things you might be missing out on in life, such as:
Time, be present, and create beautiful memories with your children
Spending time with elderly relatives you may never see again
The time you could spend learning a new skill can turn into a career
Energy to take care of core commitments
Starting your own business or side gig can save money from leaving a bad situation
The ability to perform your job duties for your employer due to increased sick days or poor performance
Creating a healing breath and doing things that can bring meaning to your life
While dealing with unresolved trauma, cognitive dissonance, and the deep wounds of abandonment in the aftermath of a toxic relationship is certainly difficult, none of these feel worse than feeling remorse.
THERAPY ALTERNATIVE: True healing begins with looking inside your wounded heart. Nothing outside of you will help you heal because your emotional injuries are on the inside.
Instead of researching how the person you care about became a narcissist, what kind of narcissist they might be, and where they lie on the narcissistic chain, shift your focus to healing your damaged self-image and healing the toxic shame the narcissist has implanted in you to keep you dependent on them.
Ironically, learning everything there is to know about narcissism won’t be the bottom line that helps you avoid attracting another troubled person into your life. Usually, all it will do is keep you reeling from the idea of falling in love again because you won’t trust anyone and your real reasons for staying with the narcissist in the first place will never be addressed—the particular emotional vulnerabilities that caused the narcissist’s overwhelming need for approval and acceptance (and which they exploited and used). for their good).
Then, when you meet someone who becomes a partner, they may show signs of narcissism, but because your wounds haven’t healed, you can justify, justify, and explain their bad behavior. The dynamics will feel natural to you on a subconscious level, and you will feel like the next logical step would be to stay in the relationship and go into “fixer mode.” You may feel like you know them from a past life – because you know them. Our innate drive is to re-enact past traumas to resolve them, also known as repetition compulsion, and is one of the most important self-sabotaging behaviors of those who have experienced abuse.
Almost all toxic relationships are paralleled by one or more relationships we were previously in, either with parents and/or ex-partners.
Finally, if you want to join recovery forums, choose forums that have an actual focus on healing, as opposed to ones where members aren’t engaged in their own healing practices, are still in their toxic relationship, aren’t moving forward in any meaningful way, and are keeping you in a state. Run… which feeds more into the unhealthy obsession. While these forums may have a place in finding out that your partner is a narcissist, they don’t provide much of a benefit when you need to heal and recover.
