Key Points

Parental over-attention can lead to a child’s inflated sense of self.

The ideal self can be overly demanding of perfection in any given area.

Teaching empathy and compassion for others protects against unhealthy narcissism in children.

If you were to ask American parents if they would want to raise selfish, arrogant, demanding children who lack empathy and compassion, the vast majority of them would scream “no.”

However, over the past few decades, the number of narcissists and adults with related mental health disorders appears to be on the rise. Where does narcissism come from? In our parenting and popular culture, where do we go wrong? Narcissism can develop from two main sources: loving parents and the ideal self.

LovingParents

In the first scenario, parents over-attention their children, giving in to most demands, and in doing so, sending the message to the child that he or she is special and should be treated as such. They shower their children with glowing attention and often rely on exaggerated compliments, such as “You’re the smartest girl in the world!” Additionally, they overreact to their children’s disappointments and frustrations because they are overly concerned about damaging their own self-esteem. In one instance, a six-year-old boy cried loudly after losing a competitive game on the playground, and his mother held him in her arms and comforted him as if he had just broken his arm. His mother had inadvertently conveyed that losing games was a disaster and not just a natural consequence of active participation in life. “Over-love” is a dependence, or over-identification with the child to meet the parent’s needs, and/or an anxiety-driven obsession that benefits neither the parent nor the child in the long run.

In families that encourage narcissism, parents do not set adequate boundaries and often make excuses for their children’s unhealthy behavior. Excuses such as “Johnny hit your son because he was tired” or “Susie doesn’t use to share her toys” are often made instead of the parents trying to deal with the behavior in question constructively. These parents also spend little time teaching their children empathy. Teaching children how others feel when they are bullied, humiliated, or attacked helps them develop a compassionate attitude toward others.

Like overly neglectful parents, these parents do not provide enough time for their children to develop their own psychological resources. As with physical skills, children need time alone to practice psychological skills, such as self-soothing (calming themselves when upset), initiating activities to satisfy curiosity or belonging needs, and dealing with unpleasant emotions. Parents are often most helpful when they do nothing more than encourage psychological growth. Simply saying categorically, “It’s okay to get upset when you lose a game, but it’s not okay to hit someone” may be all that’s needed.

The Ideal Self

In addition to developing in loving families, narcissism often occurs in dysfunctional families in the form of an idealized self (à la Karen Horney). A child who has been rejected, overprotected, harshly criticized, and/or abused may develop an inflated self, a way to compensate for strong feelings of inadequacy. By denying feelings of inadequacy, the child feels powerful, especially talented, and/or extremely good-looking. Unfortunately, the self-esteem boost that results from an inflated and unrealistic self-image is fragile and relies on constant validation from others, often in the form of admiration and applause. When this validation is absent, severe depression can set in.

Related : Don’t Believe the Hype! “Narcissists” Aren’t Inherently Evil

For example, when high achievers in Ivy League schools encounter other students who are more academically gifted than they are, those whose self-esteem is tied to being the best often feel frustrated, as if they are worthless, when they lose their place at the top. The idealized self is rigid, and does not allow for any deviation from its demands for perfection. The higher suicide rates at these schools than at less prestigious universities attest to the price paid by the need for perfection and unparalleled achievement.

Guidance for Parents

The old adage that “children should be seen and not heard” has long since disappeared from American parenting practices. In its place has emerged a child-centered mandate for middle- and upper-class parents with the caveat “Don’t hurt your child’s ego.” Parents who follow this mandate are overly concerned, reluctant to make demands or correct them, and eager to spare their children disappointment. As a result, winning becomes everything, as seen at Little League baseball games, for example, where parents not only cheer loudly for their children’s successes but also shower umpires with insults when they make unfavorable decisions.

In competitive activities, reward effort and downplay failure. While celebrating victory is joyful and helpful, communicating that failure is catastrophic is harmful. Additionally, teaching children that cooperation is more valuable than competition in achieving group goals is important.

Related : How to Deal With Abusive, Narcissistic and Hostile Bosses

Teach empathy and compassion by regularly explaining how others feel when they are attacked, bullied, ridiculed, or otherwise insulted.

Avoid exaggerations, such as “You are the best singer [or dancer or athlete].” While success in every field depends on talent and hard work, luck or chance—being in the right place at the right time (a factor over which we have little control)—determines who reaches the top of the career or sports ladder. Avoid instilling unrealistic expectations that can lead to great disappointment and frustration for your child.

Teach your children that boredom, disappointment, and frustration are just as much a part of life as satisfaction, joy, and pleasure, and that learning how to deal with emotions is an important life goal.
Erikson’s psychosocial stages of development can be very helpful in understanding your children’s behavior. More useful than Freud’s psychosexual model, it helps put children’s behavior into perspective. In Erikson’s second stage, for example, tantrums at age two are seen as manifestations of the child’s autonomy—the ability to manage himself. Although two-year-olds are not very good at managing themselves, they are trying to assert their independence and make their own decisions, but they need parental guidance to do so better.

During the crucial early years of development, remember that children need time alone in addition to playing with their peers. Time alone to explore themselves, dream, develop independence and initiative is invaluable in establishing self-boundaries and building internal resources.

Limit TV and video viewing to reduce the unhealthy influence of the Internet and popular culture in promoting aggression.

Follow your dreams and interests—those that are separate from your role as a parent. As Khalil Gibran said many years ago: “Your children are not your own. They are the sons and daughters of Life yearning for itself. You can give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You can house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”