Key Points
Many narcissists begin their relationships by showering their partner with affection. Later, they shut down intimacy and become abusive.
The narcissist’s pattern of intermittent reinforcement keeps their partner attached to them.
It’s not easy for a partner to break out of this pattern unless they distance themselves from the narcissist.
One common misconception about narcissism is that the narcissist is in complete control of their behavior. The narcissist is often portrayed as someone who is so comfortable with their superiority that they view others as insignificant.
In reality, the narcissist is deeply insecure and cannot tolerate any kind of criticism or rejection. They go on the offensive, using verbal abuse, manipulation, and other forms of manipulation to control others in order to avoid feeling out of control.
However, narcissists do not start a relationship this way and with this behavior. Most narcissists are highly charismatic and charming, showering their partner with gifts, attention, and promises of an ideal future. This is sometimes known as love bombing. The narcissist showers his partner with an endless cycle of affection and attention.
The Cycle
This love bombing is just one part of the cycle. Once the relationship is secure or stable, trauma and emotional abuse quickly follow. Depending on the narcissist, this can include ignoring the person, refusing to engage in conversations, and then suddenly, unjustifiably, and completely removing intimacy and affection.
In some cases, the narcissist disappears in both a physical and emotional sense. This sudden withholding of intimacy, affection, and attention is painful, upsetting, and disturbing for the partner. It leaves them wondering what they did, whether the other person will ever come back, and how they can make it up to the narcissist. Other behaviors narcissists use include:
- Lying
- Blaming
- Slandering
- Withdrawing financial support
- Threatening to leave
- Manipulating your relationships with friends and family
The narcissist may not understand the psychology of a partner’s sudden interest when they return, but they are happy to accept the attention and the sense of superiority and control it provides. Love bombing is often followed by withholding love, creating a vicious cycle that never ends.
Intermittent Reinforcement
What the partner doesn’t realize is that love bombing followed by sudden withholding of love creates what’s called intermittent reinforcement. This type of reinforcement is why people play the lottery or go to the casino. Sometimes the bet results in a loss, sometimes it results in a win, and every once in a while, it results in a big win.
Narcissists use intermittent reinforcement to create a flood of positive emotions in their partner. Feeling positive emotions is the result of increased dopamine, a rewarding chemical in the brain. The partner doesn’t understand why the narcissist suddenly becomes a loving person, but they become more attached to the individual with each cycle. This traumatic bond can only be created if the withdrawal and return of affection are intermittent.
Tips for Breaking the Cycle
It’s not easy to break out of this cycle unless you can distance yourself from the narcissist. Some strategies for breaking the cycle include:
Setting boundaries – Working with a therapist to set boundaries to protect yourself is crucial to your mental health.
Reconnecting with support people – Friends and family can provide support when the narcissist is holding back.
Practicing self-care – Putting yourself first should be a priority.
Accepting reality – Working through the manipulation, lies, and manipulation and seeing the relationship as it really is will be essential.
Working with a therapist who specializes in healing from narcissistic abuse is the best way to heal and move on to positive relationships in the future. It also helps you recognize the games the narcissist is playing that are causing emotional trauma in your life.
