Key Points

Deserved praise can be motivating and help build confidence.

Narcissists may use praise to control others by manipulating their sense of self-worth and security in relationships.

Narcissists may use praise as love, intimacy, or undeserved entitlement, and they may pair praise with abuse to undermine others.

Ah, praise. It can lift us and send us to great heights. It can validate, it can motivate, it can inspire. And as with anything that has the power to make us feel good, praise has a dark side. In the wrong hands, praise has the power to hurt.

UnderstandingPraise

Praise is not love. Praise is conditional and can be given or withheld. Love, especially love for a child, should be given freely regardless of performance, behavior, or “status.” Love is always present. Praise comes and goes.

Praise can only be given by others. Where there is praise, there is always an absence of praise, because praise can only be given by someone else. As a source of self-esteem, it is not sustainable or sustainable because it is external, fleeting, and ultimately beyond our control.

Unearned praise is debilitating. While love only feels genuine when it is freely given, praise only feels genuine when we earn it. Unearned praise debilitates others, especially children, by sending the message that praise is a right and not something earned through hard work.

Praise can lead to over-dependence. When we lack feelings of self-love and are unable to validate ourselves internally, we may become overly dependent on external praise from others.

How Narcissists Use Praise as a Weapon

As we know, the narcissistic personality tends to be hostile in relationships: competitive, exploitative, and oppressively controlling. Narcissists often seek praise themselves, and they often use praise to manipulate and control others.

Narcissists use praise instead of love. At the core of the narcissistic personality is the false belief that praise is love. In unhealthy narcissistic families and relationships, acceptance is conditional and praise is used in place of love. Using praise as a form of affection reinforces others’ insecurities and gives the narcissist control over his or her sense of security in relationships and self-esteem.

Narcissists use the “love bomb” of praise for fake intimacy. Love and intimacy develop through reciprocity, shared vulnerability, and earned trust. Intimacy should never be experienced as a fiery explosion. But narcissists often engage in love bombardment, where they use excessive praise, attention, and flattery to lure others into unwarranted trust and premature commitment.

Narcissists treat praise as an entitlement. People, especially children, who are praised for their efforts internalize a sense of agency and earned trust, which fosters healthy self-esteem and independence. In contrast, praising people for being special or superior rather than for their hard work reinforces an undeserved and insecure sense of entitlement. By granting “special” status and privilege to a select few and denying it to others, narcissists dictate what people value in themselves and those around them.

Narcissists use praise to foster dependency and reliance. By alternating praise with forms of abuse, narcissists foster dependency and even codependency. Children or partners who experience this type of manipulation can become traumatically attached to the narcissist, who uses intermittent reinforcement to control the activation of the fear response (fight/flight) and the reward system (dopamine).

We can all benefit from deserved praise at times. Humans are social animals who naturally seek group validation, and praise for our efforts can be motivating and help us build the trust that can sustain us in times of adversity and stress. But praise used as a substitute for love or intimacy, given as an undeserved right, or coupled with abuse is manipulative and disempowering, and can create traumatic bonds between narcissists and those they seek to dominate.