Key Points
A narcissist may use the defense mechanisms of idealization and devaluation to gain emotional control.
Idealization occurs when the narcissist bombards their partner with love early in the relationship.
Devaluation occurs when the narcissist suddenly “abandons” the person without explanation or concern.
On a personal level, the narcissist often prioritizes control over closeness. Despite the manipulation, maintaining emotional control over a partner is a powerful means of dominating the relationship. This is difficult to detect because the narcissist can convince the person that the fault is theirs, but this tactic slowly erodes the person’s self-esteem.
Although some narcissistic traits are universal and fairly human, a partner who is highly defensive and rigid may lack empathy, emotional attunement, and the ability to consider the loved one’s perspective. The narcissist may unconsciously want to hide these flaws in relationships through a series of small abandonments.
By using the unconscious defense mechanisms of idealization and devaluation, the narcissist can gain an extraordinary amount of control over their partner. Idealization is a defense mechanism that keeps a partner at a distance—on a pedestal. Love bombing and agreeing with everything a person thinks and says are ways a narcissist idealizes a person. Devaluing, or treating a person as if they mean nothing to the narcissist and are worth correcting, is a way a narcissist uses to devalue a person.
At first, a person may feel safe with the narcissist, trusting the narcissist more than anyone else in their life. However, one day, the narcissist devalues the person by suddenly withdrawing their love. They become unresponsive and unavailable. The person feels invisible and emotionally abandoned. They may ask for the problem to be identified and fixed to rebuild the relationship.
The narcissist typically responds with indifference and then expresses disapproval of key aspects of the person. For example, “I didn’t want to tell you this because I was afraid it would hurt your feelings, but you talk to your mother so much. You tell her everything. It’s weird.” Now, the person feels that the closeness to her mother is immature, and she longs to restore the romantic bond, so she talks to her mother less and less.
The narcissist then rewards the person for doing what he or she wants by showering her with attention and affection. In a state of euphoria and relief at having regained her partner’s fading love, the person trusts the narcissist again.
Once the narcissist has “pulled the person” and trusts him or her again, the narcissist repeats the same pattern to gain additional control. In a state of extreme panic and abandonment, the person seeks to do everything she can to please the narcissist, including giving up important aspects of herself.
The pattern of idealization and devaluation slowly gives the narcissist an enormous amount of power over the person. She may find herself increasingly distant from her loved ones. In addition, her mental health suffers greatly. In a desperate attempt to avoid another heartbreaking abandonment, she becomes hyper-vigilant about appeasing the narcissist. The constant emotional abandonment strips her of her sense of self, and her insecurity grows. Instead of focusing on activities and responsibilities she enjoys, her mission becomes to appease the narcissistic partner. At this point, she makes significant sacrifices to be with the narcissist and realizes that if she leaves him, she may not have much of a life to return to. This also provides the narcissist with a level of control.
Continuous microaggressions in conjunction with other manipulations can create feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in the person. Unfortunately, the narcissist also exploits this to their advantage. Blaming the person for being “insecure and clingy” can make the person feel like they are the real problem.
While this is a difficult situation to take, it can help the person recognize that the narcissist is using microaggressions to create insecurity and gain control. It is difficult to see when a person is caught up in this dynamic, as they may try to confide in those around them who can validate them. The best remedy may be to get emotional space from the narcissist. The person may try to flip the script and become the less available party. This may provide them with an opportunity to gain perspective without the narcissist imposing their alternative viewpoint. This break may allow them to hear their voice and listen to their instincts.
