Key Points

In future-faking, a narcissist flirts with a partner who has a detailed but unlikely vision of a future together.

In some cases, narcissists don’t intentionally deceive partners. They may move too quickly without thinking about how they might disappoint them.

Narcissists may also use future-faking as a substitute for real conversation.

Most normal relationships follow a fairly predictable pattern. Unless the couple’s religious views prohibit it, the couple dates has sex, meets each other’s friends, moves in together, and gradually gets to know each other’s families. Over time, they either become more serious about the relationship and get engaged or decide they’re not right and break up. There are variations on this basic pattern, but in general, most people don’t make serious plans for a future together until they both feel fully committed to the relationship. This usually takes a year or two.

However, people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t engage in normal flirting. They are so focused on winning you over that they speed things up and increase the intensity. It’s a bit like dating on adrenaline. Everything a normal couple does in a year, they do after a few dates. Narcissists rarely stop to assess whether the two of you are truly a good fit. Instead, they use a variety of strategies to try to get you to fall in love and commit to them before they fully commit to you—even though they tell you that you are the love of their life and their ideal partner. Only after you’ve fully committed do they decide if you are what they want. That’s bad enough in itself, but it gets worse.

One of the cruelest courtship strategies some narcissists use to attract a new lover involves making elaborate, detailed plans with you for a future life together. Most people have heard of “narcissistic love bombing,” which is the act of showering someone with extravagant compliments and gifts, but not everyone is familiar with “future faking.”

Note: I use the terms narcissist, narcissist, and narcissistic personality disorder as shorthand to refer to someone who qualifies as a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis.

What is future faking?

Future faking is a courtship strategy in which narcissists talk to you in minute detail about all the wonderful things you’ll do together in the future—the cute little restaurant you’ll love, how you’ll explore the most romantic cities in the world, or even how many kids you’ll have and what names you’ll name them. All the while, they sound very excited and genuine.

What makes it future faking, rather than just future planning, is that it’s unlikely that any of this will ever happen. Instead of being on a path to bliss, you’re now on a path to disappointment. What typically happens is that shortly after the narcissist believes you’re fully committed and in love with them, everything starts to change. Now that the chase is over, the good times are on the wane.

Narcissists aren’t very good at maintaining a normal relationship. During the courtship period, they create positive drama in the relationship. Now they start creating negative drama in the relationship. Instead of complimenting you, they start pointing out your flaws. You will feel suddenly cold and indifferent to your feelings. If you stay, you will likely be devalued, ignored, or dumped. Pretending to have a future is cruel because it is exactly what it sounds like a big fake. What initially brought you great happiness will likely end up as a series of painful disappointments.

What does pretending to have a future look like?

Imagine you are ready for a serious relationship and you meet this very attractive person on your first date. Everything moves fast. By your second or third date, this new person seems to love you deeply. They compliment everything about you. Your new lover has already decided that you are the perfect match and to your surprise, they start planning a future with you.

You may be a little hesitant. After all, you barely know this person. You think, “Isn’t it too early to make this kind of commitment?” But on the other hand, it feels good to finally be with someone who seems to love you.

It’s all done so convincingly that you start to buy into the vision and start imagining a possible future together—a future without any more bad dates and no more questioning whether your date loves you as much as you love him. So, you decide to go with the flow and see what happens next. You don’t want to risk missing out on true love because of too much skepticism.

Now this person you barely know starts describing the wonderful times you will have together this summer. Your lover describes in detail all the amazing things you will do together – romantic walks along the beach, trips you will take, and even close relatives and friends he wants you to meet. You indulge and invite this person to be your date at a family wedding in two months and your new lover immediately agrees. You breathe a sigh of relief and think: “They must be serious. Why would they agree to go to a family wedding if they are not in love with me?”

Here’s an example of how future pretense can look like:

Never been to Paris in the fall? I can’t wait to show you around. I know Paris very well. It is the most romantic city! I have an idea. Let’s make the trip longer and end in Rome. There is nothing more beautiful and atmospheric than the Tivoli Fountain lit up at night.

How common is future pretense among narcissists?

Not everyone with NPD starts planning a whole life together after the first date, but it’s pretty common. How common is it? Well, I hear about it a lot from my dating clients, especially clients who meet people through dating apps. It’s common enough that people talk about it online and many non-narcissists wonder how careful they should be when their new lover starts planning a future together.

What’s Wrong With Pretending To Be A Future?

Even when people with NPD aren’t consciously trying to deceive their new lover, this kind of early planning often ends badly. Narcissists jump in too quickly. They’re often very hasty and jump into their current love without thinking.

Additionally, because narcissists are so selfish and lack emotional empathy, they don’t worry about setting unrealistic expectations and then letting you down. The truth is, once they get bored or start to see your natural human flaws, that’s the end of the relationship. Future-faking narcissists will go back on every promise they make to you — including being your date to your cousin’s wedding.

Why do narcissists engage in future-faking?

The line between honesty and dishonesty is almost invisible to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. At the moment when they are excitedly planning a future with you, they may feel honest. However, they don’t take into account that they should wait before sharing their fantasies about a rosy future with you. They feel free to change their mind at any moment. When their passion wanes and they lose interest in making plans happen, they can easily justify their change in thinking. Here are some things narcissists have told me about these situations:

I meant what I said when I said it. Things didn’t work out between us. Why should I blame myself?

He’s not who I thought he was. He tricked me. I don’t owe him anything.

She should have realized I was just trying to be entertaining.

It was fun as long as it lasted.

Sometimes narcissists deliberately use future-faking as a seduction technique. This is especially cruel because they know from the start that the glowing image they’re painting is completely fake. They have no intention of doing any of the wonderful things they’ve promised to do with you. They’re simply taking advantage of your desire for a long-term, loving relationship and saying whatever they think will get them their way.

Another reason for future-faking is that many people with NPD are not good conversationalists. They tend to develop a set of stories or strategies that they believe will show them in a good light and they use the same stories with almost everyone. Pretending to have an elaborate future can be a substitute for real conversation and a way to avoid showing genuine interest in the other person.

Summary

Future faking is a flirting strategy that involves painting a detailed, glowing picture of a wonderful future together that is unlikely to ever actually happen. Narcissists use future faking to entertain themselves, to amuse someone they are currently interested in, and as a way to get sex and validation. Even when they start to believe their hype, the other person is likely to end up hurt and disappointed.