Narcissists are known for their manipulative behavior, which they often use to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. One of the most insidious tactics they employ is DARVO—an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This psychological strategy is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse, allowing the narcissist to shift blame, dodge accountability, and maintain control over their victim.
Understanding how narcissists use DARVO is crucial for recognizing manipulation in relationships, workplaces, and other social contexts. This article will explore the DARVO tactic in depth and provide strategies for dealing with it.
What Is DARVO?
DARVO is a manipulation tactic identified by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd. It is commonly used by abusers, including narcissists, to evade responsibility for their harmful behavior. The cycle of DARVO typically unfolds in three stages:
- Deny – The narcissist first denies that the abuse or harmful behavior occurred. They may outright reject any accusation or downplay the severity of their actions. Denial is often the first line of defense, as it allows them to avoid engaging with the victim’s concerns.
- Attack – Once denial is in place, the narcissist will shift to an aggressive stance, attacking the accuser. This can take the form of verbal abuse, gaslighting, or other manipulative tactics designed to discredit the victim and make them question their own reality.
- Reverse Victim and Offender – In the final phase, the narcissist portrays themselves as the real victim in the situation, reversing the roles. They claim that they are being unfairly targeted, mistreated, or misunderstood, shifting attention away from their original wrongdoing.
This cycle is designed to confuse and destabilize the victim, making them feel guilty for even bringing up the issue in the first place. As a result, the narcissist escapes accountability, and the focus shifts to the victim’s behavior rather than the narcissist’s actions.
Breaking Down DARVO
1. Denial
In the denial phase, narcissists flat-out refuse to acknowledge their harmful actions. If confronted with evidence of their behavior, they may downplay its significance or offer excuses. Common denial phrases from narcissists include:
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re exaggerating.”
- “I don’t remember it that way.”
Denial is powerful because it puts the victim in a position where they have to defend the reality of their experience. It can make the victim doubt their own memories or perceptions, which is particularly damaging if the narcissist has already used gaslighting tactics to distort the truth.
2. Attack
Once denial is no longer sufficient to shut down the conversation, the narcissist moves to the attack phase. This part of the process is designed to discredit, intimidate, or overwhelm the victim. Narcissists may use the following tactics:
- Name-calling or insults: Trying to degrade the victim’s character.
- Projection: Accusing the victim of the very behavior they are guilty of, such as lying or being manipulative.
- Gaslighting: Making the victim question their reality by insisting they are “overreacting” or being “too sensitive.”
The attack phase serves to deflect attention from the narcissist’s wrongdoing and turn the conversation into a confrontation about the victim’s perceived flaws or reactions. This escalation often silences the victim, who may feel too overwhelmed or distressed to continue pursuing the issue.
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3. Reversing Victim and Offender
The final and most deceptive phase of DARVO is when the narcissist claims to be the true victim in the situation. They may say things like:
- “You’re the one hurting me.”
- “Why are you always attacking me?”
- “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”
By flipping the script, the narcissist forces the victim into a defensive position. Instead of focusing on the original issue, the victim now feels compelled to justify their behavior and defend themselves against accusations of being the aggressor. The narcissist may also garner sympathy from others, making it even harder for the victim to hold them accountable.
This reversal of roles is especially damaging in relationships, where the narcissist may play on the victim’s emotions to manipulate them into apologizing or backing down. It’s a highly effective way to deflect responsibility and perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
Why Narcissists Use DARVO
Narcissists rely on DARVO because it aligns with their need to maintain power and control. At the core of narcissistic behavior is an inability to accept criticism or admit fault. Taking responsibility would threaten the narcissist’s fragile self-esteem, which is why they go to great lengths to shift blame and avoid accountability.
DARVO also allows narcissists to maintain their image of superiority and righteousness. By reversing the roles of victim and offender, they can continue to manipulate others into seeing them as blameless or even as martyrs.
How DARVO Affects Victims
For victims, DARVO can be profoundly confusing and emotionally damaging. The denial phase causes self-doubt, making the victim question whether their experience was real or valid. During the attack phase, they may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even guilty for bringing up the issue. By the time the narcissist has reversed the roles, the victim might start to feel responsible for the conflict, even though they were the one who was wronged in the first place.
Victims often report feelings of:
- Guilt: After being manipulated into believing they are the aggressor.
- Confusion: Struggling to make sense of the narcissist’s distorted version of events.
- Isolation: The narcissist may rally others against the victim, leaving them feeling unsupported.
- Helplessness: Unable to hold the narcissist accountable due to their persistent denials and attacks.
Over time, repeated exposure to DARVO can erode the victim’s self-esteem and emotional resilience, making it harder for them to leave the toxic relationship or confront the narcissist in the future.
How to Protect Yourself from DARVO
Recognizing DARVO is the first step in protecting yourself from its effects. If you’re dealing with a narcissist who uses this tactic, here are some strategies to consider:
1. Stay Grounded in Reality
When a narcissist denies your experience, it’s important to stay rooted in your own truth. Keep a journal of incidents to document what happened, so you can reference it when the narcissist tries to distort the facts. Trust your own perception, even if the narcissist is trying to confuse you.
2. Avoid Engaging in Attacks
When the narcissist escalates to attacks, stay calm and avoid getting drawn into an argument. Engaging in the conflict will only fuel the narcissist’s need for control. Instead, respond with neutrality or detach from the conversation altogether. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions, so by not giving them one, you reduce their power.
3. Set Boundaries
Establish clear and firm boundaries with the narcissist. When they engage in DARVO tactics, calmly state your boundaries and reinforce them as needed. For example, you can say, “I will not continue this conversation if you continue to deny what happened or attack me.” Be prepared to walk away if necessary.
4. Seek Support
Narcissists are skilled at isolating their victims, but having a support system is essential. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. They can provide validation, emotional support, and perspective, helping you stay resilient in the face of DARVO manipulation.
5. Focus on Accountability
While the narcissist may never accept responsibility, it’s important for your own well-being to focus on holding them accountable in ways that matter. This could include legal actions, setting non-negotiable boundaries, or simply cutting ties with them when possible.
Conclusion
DARVO is a powerful and destructive tool that narcissists use to avoid accountability and maintain control over their victims. By denying their actions, attacking their accusers, and reversing the roles of victim and offender, they are able to shift the focus away from their harmful behavior and perpetuate a cycle of abuse.
Recognizing this tactic is the first step in breaking free from its grip. By staying grounded, setting boundaries, and seeking support, victims can protect themselves from DARVO’s manipulative effects and begin the journey toward healing.
