Narcissists can be manipulative and controlling individuals who often have a distorted sense of self-importance. When it comes to discussing their past relationships, they tend to portray themselves in a positive light while casting their exes in a negative light.

Here’s a closer look at how narcissists talk about their past relationships.

1. The Ex Was the Problem

One common tactic narcissists use when talking about their past relationships is to blame their ex for everything that went wrong. They may portray themselves as the victim in the relationship, claiming that their ex was controlling, manipulative, or unfaithful.

By shifting the blame onto their ex, narcissists can absolve themselves of any responsibility for the relationship’s shortcomings. This tactic allows them to maintain their self-image as a flawless person who was wronged by a toxic partner.

Narcissists may also exaggerate their ex’s flaws or even make up stories to make themselves look better by comparison. They may portray their ex as emotionally unstable, abusive, or incompetent, reinforcing their narrative that the breakup wasn’t their fault.

2. Overlooking their faults

When discussing their past relationships, narcissists often gloss over their faults or flaws. They may downplay any negative aspects of their behavior or actions during the relationship, focusing instead on how they were the perfect partner.

Narcissists may easily forget instances when they were emotionally unavailable, manipulative, or dishonest. Instead, they may highlight moments when they were supportive, attentive, or loving, even if those moments were few and far between.

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By downplaying their flaws and emphasizing their positive traits, narcissists can maintain their facade of perfection. This tactic allows them to avoid confronting any uncomfortable truths about themselves and continue to present themselves as flawless individuals.

3. Seeking Validation and Empathy

Another way narcissists talk about their past relationships is to seek validation and empathy from others. They may tell stories about how they were mistreated or wronged by their ex in an attempt to elicit sympathy or support from those around them.

By portraying themselves as victims of a cruel and heartless ex-partner, narcissists can gain the attention and validation of others. They may exaggerate or fabricate stories of abuse or betrayal to elicit a strong emotional response from their audience.

Narcissists thrive on the admiration and sympathy of others, and discussing their past relationships in this way allows them to feed their need for constant validation and validation. However, it is important to take their stories with a grain of salt and consider the possibility of manipulation or exaggeration.

4. Manipulating Their Ex

Narcissists are known for their manipulative behavior, and when discussing their past relationships, they may engage in manipulative tactics to undermine their ex’s credibility. Emotional manipulation involves twisting the truth or manipulating facts to make the other person doubt their reality.

Narcissists may deny or minimize their abusive actions during the relationship, causing their ex to question their own memories and perceptions. They may also shift blame onto their ex, making them feel responsible for the relationship’s downfall and reinforcing the narcissist’s narrative of innocence.

Emotional manipulation can be a damaging and destructive tactic that can erode the victim’s self-esteem and sense of reality. By using this technique when discussing their past relationships, narcissists can reinforce their control over their ex and deflect any criticism or accountability for their actions.

5. Idealizing Their New Relationship

When a narcissist moves into a new relationship, they may idealize their new partner while misleading their ex. They may talk about how perfect and wonderful their new relationship is, highlighting all the ways their new partner meets their needs and desires.

By putting their new partner on a pedestal, narcissists can boost their self-image and create a sense of superiority over their ex. They may compare their new partner favorably to their ex, pointing out all the ways their ex failed them in comparison.

This idealization serves to legitimize their new relationship on the narcissist’s sense of self-worth and importance. This allows them to feel superior to their ex-partners and maintain the illusion of perfection in their current relationship, despite any underlying issues or problems that may exist.

6. Using Their Past Relationships for Personal Gain

Narcissists may also exploit their past relationships for personal gain or to manipulate others. They may use stories from their past to garner sympathy, attention, or support from those around them, portraying themselves as the helpless victim of a toxic ex.

By strategically sharing details of their past relationships, narcissists can manipulate others into providing them with the validation and admiration they crave. They may use their status as a victim of abuse or betrayal to elicit sympathy and loyalty from others, further strengthening their control over those around them.

It’s important to be careful when listening to a narcissist talk about their past relationships, as they may have ulterior motives for sharing their stories. By recognizing their manipulative tactics, you can protect yourself from falling prey to their attempts to control and manipulate.

7. Justifying Their Behavior

One tactic narcissists use when talking about their past relationships is to justify their harmful or toxic behavior. They may justify their actions by claiming that they were provoked or pushed into acting a certain way by their ex.

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By shifting blame onto their ex and portraying themselves as the victim, narcissists can avoid taking responsibility for their abusive behavior. They may argue that their actions were a result of their ex’s behavior or that they were simply reacting to current circumstances.

Justifying their behavior allows narcissists to maintain their self-image as a good person who was pushed to their limits by a toxic partner. This tactic can be used to deflect any criticism or accountability for their actions and avoid facing uncomfortable truths about themselves.

8. Returning to their exes

Despite portraying their exes in a negative light, narcissists may return to their exes for a variety of reasons. They may cycle between relationships, leaving and returning to their exes multiple times, in a pattern known as “cleaning up.”

Narcissists may return to their exes out of a need for validation, control, or attention. They may also be motivated by a desire to prove their superiority over their ex-partner or to satisfy their own emotional needs.

Returning to past relationships allows narcissists to continue the cycle of manipulation and control, further strengthening their control over their ex. It also allows them to maintain a sense of power and dominance in the relationship, which feeds their ego and sense of self-importance.

9. Minimizing the Impact of the Relationship

When discussing their past relationships, narcissists may minimize the impact the relationship had on them. They may dismiss the significance of the relationship or the feelings involved, claiming that it wasn’t a big deal or that they got over it easily.

By minimizing the significance of the relationship, narcissists can avoid confronting any uncomfortable feelings or emotions that may arise from discussing their past. They may also use this tactic to maintain a facade of emotional detachment and immunity.

Minimizing the impact of the relationship allows narcissists to present themselves as strong, resilient individuals who are not affected by the ups and downs of relationships. However, this facade may hide deeper emotional issues or insecurities that the narcissist is unwilling to address.

10. Revisionism

Narcissists may engage in historical revisionism when talking about their past relationships, changing facts or details to fit their own narrative. They may exaggerate their accomplishments or positive traits while downplaying or omitting any negative aspects of the relationship.

By revising history, narcissists can create a version of events that aligns with their self-image as a flawless, superior individual. They may rewrite the past to make themselves appear more successful, attractive, or admired than they actually were during the relationship.

This revisionist approach allows narcissists to maintain their sense of self-importance and control over their own narrative. It also serves to protect their fragile egos and shield them from any criticism or judgment that might come from admitting their mistakes or shortcomings in the relationship.

Conclusion

When it comes to talking about their past relationships, narcissists often use manipulative tactics to maintain their self-image and control over others. By blaming their exes, glossing over their shortcomings, seeking validation, and using manipulation techniques, narcissists skillfully manipulate the narrative to suit their own needs. It is important to be careful when listening to a narcissist discuss their past relationships and to recognize signs of manipulation and control in their stories.