the main points
Our top priority is comfort in our own skins, which makes self-consciousness risky.
Unlike psychopaths, narcissists maintain peace of conscience by delegating self-monitoring to authority.
Staying true to a permissive standard (a god, a hero, or an ideal or ideal self) can avoid self-consciousness.
The egomania is actually the egomania, an identity liberated by the indulgent reassurance of the idealized superego.
Feeling comfortable in our own skins is our biggest and most urgent priority. Our discomfort is an early warning system screaming that something is wrong. But it is not like an external alarm system that we can disconnect by choice. Our internal alarm is an inevitable discomfort that builds in our bodies.
Given this, how do people really feel about self-awareness? In principle, we agree to it. It gives us comfort in our own skin when we say that everyone should be self-conscious, and since we should be, so are we.
In practice, self-awareness is not easy. It’s not as stressful as waiting for the results of a cancer biopsy, but there are similarities: What if you find out you have a fatal personality flaw? What if you found evidence that you’re not walking your talk, and that you’re not as good as you think you are? If you smoke, you may feel ashamed of your cancer diagnosis, but you can also attribute it to chance. It is up to you to discover your fatal personality flaw, so you are likely to feel ashamed.
People tend to feel confused and defensive when others criticize them. So how do we expect people to feel about self-criticism? Facing your flaws is in your face. It’s not like you can storm. Everywhere you go, there you are.
In short, the measured life is fraught with danger. We praise self-awareness without realizing the high risks and costs that make us want to avoid it. No one finds self-disappointment a pleasant experience, no matter how much self-awareness is praised in principle.
So, in practical terms, what do we do about the lives we experience subjectively? We tend to examine ourselves carefully and selectively, picking at our self-awareness, reaping self-affirmations, and ignoring self-disconfirmations. We try to avoid the risk of second-guessing ourselves. We prefer to say “yes” to ourselves: “Am I great? Yes!” I checked myself three times and every time my answer was a resounding yes! And this proves it!
Narcissists are those who accept the second opinion. They’re named after a legendary man who couldn’t stop staring at himself approvingly. Narcissists avoid all self-awareness. Same with gaslighters, know-it-alls, Dark Triad figures, and people who talk down about their high horse when they can get away with it.
Psychopaths may lack conscience, but I doubt that’s what happens with narcissists and their ilk. Rather, I believe that their consciences are pampered, reassured, and permanently confirmed. They have placed their consciences in a permanent palliative coma. There is no risk of self-doubt, second guessing or self-consciousness.
How can one do that? There are many ways, but the easiest is to outsource self-monitoring to an external authority. After all, this is how we dealt with our pronouns as children—adult approval as a source of peace of mind for the child.
Once we become adults, we can choose our external authority. There are many to choose from – religious, spiritual and political leaders, to name a few.
Most suitable are strict parents who demand loyalty, and neglectful ones who approve of you. They preach the hard line but they don’t track whether we follow it or not. They just assume we do and forgive us all transgressions except disloyalty to them.
Loyalty to them serves us. We don’t need to monitor ourselves. No need for self-consciousness. The leader is all the control we need. As long as we stay on their good side, we’re fine. It’s a bit like saying, “My conscience is clear. My dog loves me!”
Related : The Narcissist’s Cheating Playbook: Six Signs
It’s almost perfect, but one can do better. Search for an abstract higher authority. They are also easy to find. God is great for that. As long as you remain loyal to them, you don’t need a conscience. They are very judgmental but agree with everything you do except disloyalty to them. It’s a bit like saying, “My conscience is clear. My imaginary dog loves me.”
One can do better than that too. Treat the weasel’s positively loaded words as a source of approval of higher authority. Identify yourself with patriotism, mindfulness, some religious belief, or political beliefs like MAGA and your conscience never needs to bother you again. Its primary role is to reassure you that your conscience does not need to be stirred. After all, you have been labeled a Virtue Brand. You are my patriot. You can even label yourself as self-aware, which is another positive and emotional word, perfect for banishing self-consciousness.
One can do better, simply by dividing yourself into two parts: your imaginary ideal self, your inner God, who approves of his loyal defender, your inner soldier. Anyone who threatens to awaken your conscience is attacking your almighty gut and has aroused the wrath of the loyal soldier within you.
Whether you choose to be an external authority who approves of you, a god, a demagogue, loaded words, or your own almighty intestines, you do not need to get rid of conscience because it is constantly quieted; There is no discomfort to your skin.
We talk about man’s search for meaning. I think this is less than we assume. Rather, it is our search for easy, ritualistic, and secret commands to soothe our consciences.
People talk about how they get rid of their ego by submitting to a higher power. Why, then, do they often act like narcissists? Because the ego they drug is the Freudian ego, the self-conscious ego that navigates the tension between their impulsive id and their superego. And by outsourcing it to hard-line and permissive outside powers, they give complete freedom to their identities.
Related : A Compassionate Partner’s Guide to Narcissism
Such “selfless devotion” to a higher power is not an obsession with vanity. An obsession with vanity in the Freudian sense would be an overactive pronoun. Rather, it is a hyperactive identity, liberated by the approving gaze of an unsuspecting pandering that loves and approves us unconditionally.
A vigilant conscience is a heavy burden that we have to carry. With outsourcing, we can claim that we made some major sacrifices to become a disciplined soldier of this supreme power. I am suggesting that though there are sacrifices in the service of a higher power, it is more than worth it because of the comfort it affords us from self-consciousness and the danger of discomfort in our skins.
