I have much debated the fact that the defining characteristic of a narcissist is a lack of empathy. Not only is this the only feature shared by all toxic narcissists, but it is also the “turning point” in the “toxic” side of narcissism. In this post, we will discuss how narcissists use false empathy to deceive you.
The truth is, narcissists cannot put themselves in your shoes and they cannot understand what kind of pain you are in because they are not capable of it on an emotional level. But this explanation isn’t nuanced enough, as it leaves many of us wondering, “But what about all those times they seemed sympathetic?”
For example, if your ex was a narcissist, he probably seemed fully aware of your feelings when you first started dating. After all, they obviously know what you like. They made sure to give you what you liked, and did their best to stay away from what you didn’t like. This is one of those little things that made you feel like you finally found your soulmate – at least in the beginning.
So, I know what you’re thinking. If narcissists are not empathetic, how can they possibly act as they are? Isn’t this how empathy works? Being aware of your actions and choosing them based on someone else’s feelings? Well, yes, and no.
Before we get into how narcissists are able to show empathy when it’s right for them, it’s important to understand what “real” empathy is, so let me define it for you.
What is true empathy?
My short definition is that empathy is the ability to feel and care about what other people are feeling, and to act from that perspective. To be clear, true empathy is the ability to sense, understand, and feel another person’s feelings, even if you haven’t had a similar experience. This means being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. You can feel what they’re feeling even if you can’t directly relate to what they’re going through because you can kind of imagine how they must be feeling. You feel empathy for them and care about their feelings because of it — and then act accordingly.
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What is false empathy?
Narcissists use false empathy as a manipulation tactic when they want something from you. Since you value communication and empathy, as most non-narcissists do, the narcissist knows it will help them get what they want from you. So they pretend they care how you feel. See, when it comes to narcissists, they are incapable of emotional and emotional empathy. But at the same time, they are well aware of the fact that others value empathy and because of that, they may display false empathy. (Wait, what?) This is why it’s so confusing and so difficult to spot a narcissist early in a relationship.
False Empathy: Understanding Narcissistic Empathy Deficits
Here is the need. When we say “narcissists have no empathy,” we don’t necessarily mean that they are unable to detect how you feel. What we mean is that narcissists do not feel empathy in the same way that most people do. They have no empathy or remorse and feel no remorse—unless they regret a decision they made because it negatively affected them directly.
To put it more specifically, when someone feels empathy, it means they are sympathetic to someone’s situation and they kind of feel obligated to help that person fix whatever is wrong or at least not make anything more difficult for that person. When someone feels remorse, it means that they really feel guilty about something they did that they see as wrong. And when someone feels remorse, it means that they realize they made a decision or took an action that led to a negative outcome, and they wish they hadn’t done it or even that they could go back and change what they did.
In other words, the narcissist is able to understand exactly what you think or feel on a cognitive level, but not on an emotional level. They can “think” about what another person is feeling, but it does not affect their emotional state directly, nor does it play a role in how they treat the other person. The exception is when the narcissist believes someone feels negative about them. This situation will make them feel angry, offended, and generally upset – this usually manifests as narcissistic rage and/or narcissistic injury.
The truth is that while narcissists find it easy to learn the tricks on how to appear empathetic, they usually imitate what they’ve seen others do – and that’s when they use false empathy.
Types of empathy
Not many people realize that there are different types of empathy as defined by psychologists, including cognitive, affective, and affective empathy. And what’s even more baffling to many of us is that it’s entirely possible to show one or more of these types of empathy without actually caring on an emotional level what someone is feeling or going through.
Cognitive empathy
According to psychologist Daniel Goleman’s definition in his 1995 book “Emotional Intelligence,” How Narcissists Trick You With False Empathy, cognitive empathy is “just knowing how the other person is feeling and what they might be thinking.” He adds that cognitive empathy is sometimes called “perspective adoption.” In other words, it means being aware on an intellectual level of someone’s feelings and possible thoughts on any given topic or situation.
It’s like understanding that a co-worker is grieving his grandmother’s death, but since you didn’t know her, you might not feel personally sad about it. You tell them you’re sorry for their loss and offer to help them keep up with their workload while they’re out of town for the funeral, but you don’t have to go home crying about it.
Narcissists will use this kind of empathy as a way to manipulate you in the same way a used car dealer tries to convince you to buy an expensive, underperforming car. The salesperson doesn’t really care about the fact that you have kids or that your budget is stretched out. They are more concerned about moving inventory and getting paid.
However, on an intellectual level, they can read you well enough to understand your thought process and what you are looking for in a car. And they can tell that you’re emotionally attached to that decision in some way, whether it’s a desire for a safe and dependable car, a desire for a beautiful and elegant car, or a car that’s super fast and powerful.
If they don’t have something in stock that will perfectly fit your needs, the ethical thing to do is say so and possibly recommend another set of cars. But their goal is to move their stock around and make money, so they’ll do what they need to do to make something they have that works for you.
And while the car they ultimately entice you to buy may or may not be right for you, they will use that understanding of what you want to make it look exactly how you want it. Sure, maybe it’ll cost more than you can afford, or maybe you’ll have 300,000 miles on it—but those things don’t matter to the salesperson. They just want to sell you a dang car so they can go out to lunch, or buy that boat they’re watching, or whatever.
This is a great example of how a narcissist, while having the ability to see things from your point of view, will always act in a way that will benefit him the most. In other words, they use cognitive empathy to get what they want by understanding what is important to you or what is happening to your point of view.
In fact, Daniel Goleman also points out that this is the kind of empathy that people who use torture methods use. It allows them to understand what makes a person tick without feeling any sympathy for them.
An evolution in cognitive empathy is “agenda-driven” empathy. See, when a narcissist gets what they want from you, they’ll pretend to know you’re making sacrifices for them. And they think by admitting that, they can convince you to be more willing to give up what you want for them.
For example, let’s say you’re excited about your friends’ next night out. You’ll see a movie you’ve been dying to see. At the last minute, the narcissist you work with asks you to fill in for him that same night, even though they were well aware that you wanted to go. They’ll say things like “Oh, I know you were looking forward to this but if you did this for me, I would be forever grateful.” How can you refuse that?
Emotional empathy
Emotional empathy is the kind of empathy most of us think of when we call ourselves an empath. This means that you can feel and, in some ways, actually feel what other people around you feel, even when they are strangers.
For example, if you watch someone on TV stick a toe or get kicked in the leg, you kind of “feel” with them. It’s what makes us cry in movies and what makes us feel sad when someone we love is sad. It’s kind of like other people’s feelings almost become contagious to you. This can be seen in humans at two months of age, when the baby smiles again at his mother smiling at him, or when the baby cries upon hearing another baby cry. Narcissists do not feel emotional empathy.
However, they may feel a kind of superficial sympathy, which is when a narcissist shows a degree of softness to you. This often happens early on in a relationship during the love blowing up phase, and even after that, if you look hard enough, you’ll see that they continue to show their true colors elsewhere. And of course, they will eventually show you their true colors. It’s a bit like the doctor who has amazing bedside style but is totally mad at his wife and kids. Same deal.
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