the main points
The cornerstone of narcissistic personality disorder is a lack of empathy and an inability to adapt to the emotional world of others.
Children of narcissists may blame themselves when their narcissistic parent does not hold them accountable for their mistakes or behavior.
One way narcissists negatively influence their children is to only evaluate them for what they do, not who they are.
Why does it matter if a parent is a narcissist? How does that hurt the child? You may be asking these questions if you are someone co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner; Someone who was raised by a narcissistic parent; Who is in a relationship with a narcissist. Or perhaps a divorce professional working on a case involving a narcissistic parent. Given my research and clinical experience, I want to provide some education and awareness about how this disorder harms children.
First, let me explain that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is misunderstood when applied to someone who is boastful, arrogant, and all about themselves. While these traits are annoying and unflattering, narcissism is a deeper, more destructive disorder that has devastating effects on the people in one’s relationships. It is a disorder that is difficult to treat. Some believe it is untreatable. The cornerstone of this disorder is a lack of empathy and an inability to adapt to the emotional world of others.
So how does narcissistic parenting affect children?
The child will not feel heard or seen.
The child’s feelings and reality will not be acknowledged.
The child will be treated as an accessory to his or her parents, not as a person.
The child will be more valuable for what he does (usually to the parents) than for who he is as a person.
The child will not learn to recognize or trust his feelings, and will grow up with crippling self-doubt.
The child will be taught that his appearance is more important than how he feels.
The child will be afraid to be real, and instead will be taught that image is more important than authenticity.
The child will be taught to keep secrets to protect the parents and family.
The child will not be encouraged to develop his or her sense of self.
The child will feel emotionally empty and uncared for.
The child will learn not to trust others.
The child will feel that he is being used and manipulated.
The child will be there for the parents, not the other way around, as it should be.
The child’s emotional development will stop.
The child will feel criticized and judged, rather than accepted and loved.
The child will feel frustrated when he tries to search for love, approval, and attention to no avail.
The child will grow up feeling “not good enough.”
The child will not have a role model for healthy emotional connections.
The child will not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.
The child will not learn healthy self-care but instead will be at risk of codependency (caring for others to the exclusion of caring for oneself).
The child will have difficulty obtaining the necessary individuality from a parent as he grows older.
The child will be taught to seek external validation versus internal validation.
The child will receive a crazy, mixed message: “Do well enough to make me proud as an extension of your parents, but don’t do well enough to outdo me.”
If a child outperforms his or her parents, he or she may feel jealous of the parent.
The child is not taught to give himself credit when he deserves it.
The child will eventually experience some level of PTSD, depression, and/or anxiety in adulthood.
The child will grow up believing that he or she is unworthy and unlovable, because if my parents can’t love me, who will?
The child will often be shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent, and will grow up with poor self-esteem.
The child often becomes either a high achiever, a self-saboteur, or both.
The child will need to recover from the trauma and will have to return the parents in adulthood.
Related : The Narcissists That Haunt Us
Being raised by a narcissistic parent is emotionally and psychologically damaging and causes debilitating and long-lasting effects on children. This is often missed by professionals, because narcissists can be charming in their presentation, projecting an image of how they would like to be perceived. Behind closed doors, children feel asphyxiated and struggle with loneliness and pain. The narcissist is not responsible for his mistakes or behavior, so the child believes that he is to blame and that he made a mistake as a child. Having worked as a mental health provider with thousands of children, as well as adult children of narcissistic parents, I see the above symptoms over and over again. Lifestyles are different, stories are different, but they all raise the same emotional banner. It’s quite a list. It takes hard work to recover to get better and feel better.
If you are the other parent, or part of the extended family, and are trying to avoid the influences of the narcissistic parent, you have double duty as the responsible person. The best approach is to approach parents with empathy, which is the opposite of narcissism. If you are a divorce professional working on a case involving a narcissist, help the children by first understanding the dynamics of the disorder. Don’t underestimate it. Ensure that children undergo therapy and learn assertiveness skills to use with a parent who is not emotionally attuned to them. Put children first.
