I know I’m starting to sound like a boring record, but narcissists have predictable behavior patterns. Their romantic relationships are no different. They usually follow this pattern. Let’s see if you notice these behaviors…

Love Bombing

At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists often over-“bombard” their partners. This is when they exaggerate their praise and attention.

During this stage, the narcissist is fun, kind, caring, and all the other qualities you look for in a partner. They often tell you how amazing you are. They may even claim to be your soulmate.

The narcissist communicates with you frequently and spends most of their free time with you.

They share many of your interests and have similar opinions. You begin to wonder, “Have I found my soulmate?”

The narcissist usually rushes into the next stages of the relationship. They may suggest living together, marriage, having children, or all three! If they’re wealthy, they might convince you to quit your job.

It can be a whirlwind. You may finally be convinced you’ve found the right person.

Devaluation

Once the narcissist feels you’re “in love with them,” the devaluation phase begins.

The narcissist may feel you’re in love with them if you show signs of emotional attachment or dependency due to moving in, getting married, or having children. See what they did during the “love bombing” phase?!

They dig their claws into you, and then the game begins!

Narcissists often start with subtle condescension. If you complain, they claim they were joking. They may even blame you for being overly sensitive. This pushes you to doubt yourself, and you let some of these sarcastic comments slide.

Related : How Narcissists Act When Confronted

But they’re really just slowly chipping away at your boundaries. Like the sea pounding relentlessly against the rocks, they’re exhausting you into accepting their negativity. The comments get worse and more frequent.

The narcissist stops being interested in your “shared” interests. They used to love hiking in the countryside, but now that’s the last thing on their mind.

They start talking more, listening less. They become more controlling.

You may initiate therapy, leave, or threaten to leave. Narcissists hate being single, so they act quickly. They return to the “love bombing” phase.

They make excuses for their behavior—stress at work, depression, fear of losing you, etc.—and begin treating you nicely again. For now.

You forgive them naturally, and enjoy being treated like royalty again. But you probably know where this is going…

Once they feel you’re “addicted” to them again, they gradually return to the devaluation phase.

Your relationship oscillates between the love bombing phase and the devaluation phase, over and over again. The more this happens, the less time you spend in the love bombing phase and the more time you spend in the devaluation phase.

This naturally causes you to lose your self-esteem. Depression and anxiety are common. You begin to accept their bad behavior and cling to the “good times.” You may feel like you don’t deserve better. And just when they bring you to your lowest point…

The_Letting_Go_Off

Suddenly, the narcissist decides they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. They dump you. Except they won’t say it like that.

They’ll blame you for ending the relationship. You weren’t showing them enough love. You became too “sensitive.” You changed. Etc.

But the real reason is usually that they found someone else. Narcissists hate being single. So they only end the relationship when they find someone else. They may or may not be cheating, but they usually have something in the way.

Their excuses usually include that you didn’t do enough for them. This is the clever part. They leave you thinking you’re the bad partner.

This leads some people to beg them to come back, promising they’ll be better. Others feel guilty about ruining the relationship. And the narcissist wrings his hands. They know they can get more out of you. The narcissist runs off with their new partners. But their plan is to keep you in the background.

Narcissists don’t have many options. Remember, they hate being single. If things don’t work out with their new partners, they know you’re just a phone call away. And because you feel guilty, you’re more likely to dump them.

If they’re fed up with their new partners, they may call you, crying about their mistreatment. They’ll flatter you by telling you it was their fault and how much better you are. Of course, many people fall for it. But they’re really just using you for a fling.

You’re now in a triad. And the narcissist is in a tight spot. They’re pitting you against each other, sitting back and basking in the glow of two people fighting for their attention. This is often called “triangulation.”

narcissist_hoovering

Eventually, you may be dumped for good. That’s how I feel, anyway. Weeks, months, even years may pass. But it doesn’t matter.

Narcissists are used to popping up out of nowhere. It could be an “accidental” blank text. A message. A phone call. Or even show up at your door.

They may tell you how sorry they are for the way they treated you. How they’ve changed. etc.

It’s all lies.

They may justify it by saying they want to right a wrong. Or they miss you. But the truth is, they want something from you.

Maybe they’ve found themselves in desperate need. Or they may want a favor, like a loan. Whatever it is, the narcissist wants something from you. Narcissists don’t reach out to give something back. That’s not in their nature.

Related : How To Improve Your Sleep After A Narcissist Relationship

If you fall for their charm, you’re likely to be fooled. They may love bombarding you to get what they want. But you’ll quickly revert to the stage of ignoring and devaluing.

Final Thoughts

Over time, narcissists get away with treating you worse and worse. But it’s done in a subtle and manipulative way, over months or years. They constantly shift between the three stages, trying to manipulate you.

And just when you think things are clear, they take advantage of you again.

Because they blame you, you never know who’s at fault. This keeps you confused and unbalanced, unsure of what’s going on. Meanwhile, they get away with treating you worse and worse.

It’s horrific, but this is a common pattern for narcissists in relationships. They’re never happy when things are peaceful and harmonious. They want to create drama and conflict. They want everything to revolve around them.